Please be mindful of your posts on MB....remember this site is a marriage building site.

I was over on Dr. Phil's website..checking out the discussions forum thus far about the show.

MBers... PLEASE BE WARNED THAT OW ARE DRAWN THERE AS WELL, AND ARE POSTING "THEIR" SIDE OF THINGS.

I just want everyone to be aware of this...because this will trigger LOTS of folks here.

Remember Dr. Phil's discussion boards aren't moderated the way ours is...so what you'll read, is from the general public.

My disclosure is now over... I haven't seen the show yet. Just went to the board. Won't be going back either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

Would you mind giving the link for that board?

oh dear, should we warn them lemonman is on his way?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

a line from a Clint Eastwood movie comes to mind:

"TELL EM HELL IS ON IT'S WAY!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> a line from a Clint Eastwood movie comes to mind:

"TELL EM HELL IS ON IT'S WAY!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> Would you mind giving the link for that board? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">http://boards.drphil.com/WebX?14@@.f06661f

It looks like people aren't talking about the show. They are talking about being in a similar situation.


MIF?

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

It has aired in some places already.
Go get 'em LM.
LOL @ ML

Well, not much controversy over there. I don't have much to add (makes sad face). I kind of agree with a lot of what they are saying, but don't want to contribute. Anyways, I am intersted in seeing the show today. It is all lined up ready to be Tivo'ed at 3pm.

Lemon man you seem to be THE MAN here and since I am new I need some help with another new guy. Go to Other Topics forum and help PhotoGuy. I think I was a bit lame with my help....

I thought it was interesting that, during an ad for the show this morning, the BW said something like "He has 2 make a choice." and Dr. Phil responded "Why is it his choice?"

I'd love 2 see the show. Would have loved 2 record it, but my FWW was sitting there right next 2 me when that was on, and I sensed a bit of a twinge.

...followed by some truly beautiful HUMOR about another ad that she made that helped me 2 realize that she is moving beyond the A, however slowly. It was cool.

-ol' 2long

I honestly dont remember that moment on the show. But to me, I feel NOW it is my choice...but I dont want to be the one that makes the decision to actually break up the family. Cuz in 10 years my kids will look back and say, "why did you file divorce"...

but you are absolutely right, I need to make the decision and I am incapaple of doing that right now.

hi mom!

I was wondering if that was you, but didn't want 2 ask outright.

I haven't seen the show, probably won't be able to, but I looked at the pages on Dr. Phil's site. It looked pretty well-handled 2 me.

I've read part of his "Relationship Rescue" and am impressed with him as a therapist.

Hope all is well with you,
-ol' 2long

I'll add:

I can "appear" 2 be unable 2 make a similar choice myself. I don't have an NC agreement with my W and I don't even have assurance that she isn't in contact with OM. I DO know, however, that I am well on my way 2 being personally recovered, and I'm watching and waiting patiently and objectively while my W goes through HER process of healing. If she believes she can't "work on the M" before she deals with her "issues", I am able 2 live with that... ...for a time, because I know now how long it 2k ME 2 get where I am emotionally now, and I HAD HELP. She hasn't, really.

best,
-ol' 2long

i posted on dr. phils site sending ya'll our love and support.....takes a while for the messages to show up tho...not as quick as here...hehe *sratches head* soooo you got 2 supportive posts...

*WARNING* Personal opinion/VENT here*

I just finished watching Dr.Phil and I am flabbergasted.

I made a deal with myself that I would not post to mom's threads anymore many months ago because I felt that I had nothing more helpful to say about her particular situation.She was one of maybe 3 people that I had felt should file for a D in all the time I have been here and I still feel that way.

I am all for marriage building first,by ALL means.But,dad is extremely ambivalent as he said and I just don't see him making one da** choice or another.The show was especially sickening to me because I saw up close and personal(as much as one could be instead of being in person) how adultery really affects people,not just myself.

If I were in Mom's shoes,I would let dad go and see if it's so great with this homewrecking and pregnant OW.What is so great about trying to keep a man in the marriage that he so clearly disrespects,refuses to put first as a priority and make a decision to put his children and wife first above this treacherous person who is helping to destroy said marriage and family?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> GRRRRR.How long is long enough?? At this point she should have been in a major Plan B with complete shut out of the man until he gets his da** priorites straight! So he says he was already packed mentally ready to leave the marriage.If so,then why is he still here creating HAVOC?! OOOH I just wish mom could PULL THE PLUG on this guy until he gets a CLUE.

Mom would not be at fault AT ALL for ending a marriage that frankly,right now,is one big SHAM.Until dad starts making some decent decisions in his life instead of keeping the funhouse going,he gets no approval from me.What is with these WS'S???????? Is he so blind not to see that he cannot continue on this selfish path of back and forth?
I loved that Dr.Phil said that Bored people are Boring(BINGO) and that you don't solve problems in your marriage by going out and having sex with some other person!! Now it's out there even more with the big audience that Dr.Phil has on TV.

So he may have been a decent caring man up until this adultery? Well,what about NOW?? Our decisions define us do they not? And I agree that our decisions also define us after bad choices.We have the capability to right a wrong but dad is obviously not doing that at all.

I also loved that Dr.Phil told dad that he would be exactly where he is now in a couple years even if he decided to leave mom and go with the homewrecker.SO TRUE.A's are fantasy based pathetic choices that lead to nowhere but PAIN.

I think it's great that so many here have really tried to help mom and dad and have given so much support.That is what most of us here have tried to do when anybody new arrives.But just when do we say,"You know what,we have talked to you to DEATH.It's time to make a decision and STICK TO IT!". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> At some point,all they hear is wind.Nothing is getting in or maybe it is but it's making no difference to the mind that occupies their head.

When a person has a drug addiction,most of the time they need to hit bottom before they can rise again.Dad hasn't hit bottom nor has he really had the door slammed on his continued bad behavior.Mom took him back too many times IMO and way too fast IMO.He's come and go more times than I can remember.Which was one reason I stopped posting.With all of us here also supporting him and encouraging him,he appears to be flip flopping as much as dday.

IMHO,I just think when you add a man who is indecisive,a homewrecker who is now pregnant,a woman who is most obviously very hurt,confused and indecisive herself about what to really do now,this can spell disaster.If mom disconnects herself from dad and his BS and starts to take care of herself and kids without the added crap of dad's waffling,I truly think she might find some peace,at least a little.Believe me,I know it would be very hard for her to take care of her boys without dad and that at least one child has special needs.No doubt it would be hard.But the alternative is living with an unfaithful man who is indecisive about a homewrecker who is going to give birth to(most likely) Dad's child and never be truly free of this OW as long as life continues for them all.Meanwhile their boys suffer for having this OW and new potential step child battling for any piece of dad they can get.Untrustworthy I think Dr.Phil called both Dad and the OW.

If dad made the decision to keep this OW out of their lives,pay child support if he is indeed the father but make his wife and marriage the priority,I can see it working.I have heard it work out by reading the preg board.But dad is nowhere near making this decision even after all this time.Admittedly so.

If Dr.Phil can't reach him,I just don't know who ever could.Mom should then take her life in her hands and steer it where she wants to go.

Sorry if this upset anyone,it's not intended to but I definitely had to get this off my chest since we are all watching and waiting to see how mom's situation plays out.

O

*Edited for spelling/typos*

P.S.And the segment that showed where mom was yelling at dad about the A right in front of the kids made my blood curdle.That is exaclty what NOT to do when it comes to dealing with a WS and the revolting A business.Kids need to be protected from that garbage as much as is possbile.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

O:

"What is with these WS'S???????? Is he so blind not to see that he cannot continue on this selfish path of back and forth?"

In a word, obviously.

-2long

October Girl:"At this point she should have been in a major Plan B with complete shut out of the man until he gets his da** priorites straight! So he says he was already packed mentally ready to leave the marriage.If so,then why is he still here creating HAVOC?! OOOH I just wish mom could PULL THE PLUG on this guy until he gets a CLUE."


YAY!!!!!

Not only gets his priorities straight about the women in his life but the job and the kids and the family and maybe even the need to get far away from where they are.

Mom - ya did good. But Phil's right (and he told you exactly all the stuff we did) you need to get (and keep) a backbone. Love ya darling - but you need to take care of you - and that means demanding the respect you deserve.

My 12yo is home sick today so we watched it together. I cheered (literally) when Phil said "the chance of a successful relationship that starts as an affair is about one in a hundred. That is exactly the number we came up with when J crunched the numbers.

C

Hi all,

I didn't catch the show, but have been following Mom's posts for a long time.

There is still something I don't get. Maybe I never will. Even if there is a new child on the way with the mistress . . . how could one even consider leaving the home of the three kids one already has? I just don't get it. I am a child of divorce . . . and really it just sucked.

Sometimes marriage is hard . . . sometimes it plain old sucks . . . but in the end . . . what really matters more than having someone that wants to spend their life with you? Especially someone that knows what a jerk you can be, but still wants to be with you?

The only bumper sticker I've ever owned really sums up this situation . . . "Mean People Suck."

I guess you could chage "mean" to self-centered, egotistical, spoiled @ssholes . . . but the print wouldn't fit on the average bumper.

I'm real sorry Mom . . .

I posted this on the other thread:

Hi sweetie....just watched the show....you looked very pretty...kind of subdued, spent. Yes, you weren't the spitfire I've come to know and love on MB....but hey...YOU WERE ON TV!! knowing that millions would be watching...I'm sure I would have been like a deer caught in the headlights! [Eek!]

I think if I had heard Ed utter the word "torn" one more time, I might have torn his head off!

I think Dr.Phil had some important messages though. Among the many, I'd like to repeat these:

*Why give away your power? You have every right to take control of your own choices and decide what you will tolerate, but remember, what you tolerate will not change. Letting Ed choose you is not nearly as important at this point as you choosing to take control of your life instead of waiting for the next waffle.

*Ed will eventually end up just as "bored" with this OW as he has been with you. Pretty soon, there won't be sexy meetings...it'll be diapers and child rearing and all the same stuff he's running from now and he'll be just as bored and just as restless because he'll still have to live with his boring, selfish self....and she may not look nearly as good as you do after delivery. He might not understand the truth until then...but by then, he may have done so much damage to his life, and the lives around him...happiness will elude him. Until he lives authentically...and is willing to end and begin relationships honorably...he will continue to be torn up inside.

*Keep the kids out of this mess....the stuff they know is far beyond what they can handle. My heart breaks for them.

*This pregnancy was a planned accident. A doctor, a nurse...you do the math. You had one major thing this OW couldn't compete with...his children...she fixed that. He helped her.

*He wants to be undeserving of you...because it gets him off the hook. He pushes you because you're stronger than he is. If he acts badly enough, perhaps he can make you end the marriage and he doesn't have to.

The question is....what do you do now? Well, realistically, until the addiction wears off...there isn't much you CAN do....although I honestly believe your marriage is not over. The question is...do you want to live with him while that happens and he does the flipper routine? Or would you be better off in Plan B? I personally would like to see you more protected...as well as your children. Right now, as he said...he leads a double life...but you can choose whether you're willing to do the same. I hope you don't. I hope that you're able to keep the door to your marriage open, while not allowing him to continue to disrespect you by going to her, then waltzing home everytime it's convenient for him.

I would have gone seriously medieval on him a long time ago....I'd be in a Plan B so dark the sun would stop shining. But hey...that's just me.

hugs mom....and oh YEAH...that whole "intelectually incompatible" garbage....you aren't the one who looks intellectually challenged!!!

2long,

It's one thing to be caught up in the initial phases of an A,a WS doesn't see clearly at all and is thinking of how good it feels to be with some OP,despite all the pain about to come crashing in on the rest of the family(s).

Then it's another to finally have the truth come out and everyone start mobilizing on what to do next.

Then it's another when many months go by,the reality of the choice made starts to settle in like gangrene but yet nothing changes,the WS waffles and pain still floats around invading everything and everyone.

Then you have Dad,who is on NATIONAL TV spilling it all to the world and HE IS STILL UNDECIDED!

At first I believe the WS is "fogged in" fog bound,whatever.But now,dad is just blind.He has everyone and anyone helping him to try to see how this is a turning point for him and he just seems IMOBLIE,INERT.Same old same old. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Cerri,thanks for the yay.I too have felt all along that mom needed to be more forceful with dad but I know its hard for her.It's frustrating watching this go on though and to read about it,so I don't post to her anymore.I don't want to hurt her feelings.
O