I posted my first post a couple of days ago and put it in the wrong place. Someone kindly let me know where it should have gone so it is pasted below. Thanks again Shul.

I have recently found myself on what I sincerely hope is not the losing end of a marriage in which my husband found outside relations with another woman. About two months ago, the man who I have spent the last 25 years of my life loving, and the last 19 years married to, told me that he had been developing feelings for someone else for the last few months. This woman is not only married herself but is also a co-worker from a branch of their company in another province. To begin with, he told me of his own volition out of respect for me when he opened his birthday card telling him how much I loved him. He thought I was indifferent at the very least to him. This type of behaviour does not fit his personality, nor is he the type that would advocate extramarital activities.
When confronted with his reasoning for becoming involved in such an affair, he was shocked to find that I was not only upset, but heart broken as well. All forms of intimacy had been absent from our marriage for a long time. While not the desired effect, it became the status quo of our relationship.
We discussed the problems we had been having, and the reasons the relationship had come to this, and decided to try to make the necessary changes, in order to make our relationship work. So, we decided that he would establish closure with her, and we would make the necessary changes to make our relationship go in a direction that we both desired once again.
My husband and I sought out professional help, and we each took steps to work on the areas, which we had identified as being the main problem areas for each other. The past two months had been, in my eyes, likened to a new beginning. We had spent much more enjoyable time together, had more appreciation for each other’s contributions into the relationship, and I thought we had been given a second chance.
Last Wednesday, however, he informed me that our marriage was over. He communicated to me that he was unable to get over this other woman, could not stop thinking about her, and could not continue his marriage to me, because he wanted to see if they could have a future together. She was still with her husband when she and my husband began their affair on a company trip. Only after my husband went and told her of his recommitment to me did she move away from her husband.
I feel like my life is over. I am finding it impossible to apply myself to my job and am missing a very important deadline. There are only three of us in our office and none of them can do my job for more than a few days. It is a nightmare for a few days after I take a week’s holiday. Every morning I wake up and wonder how I’ll make it through another day. I remember how strongly we felt about each other when we met, listen to the way he claims to feel about this other woman, and am terrified that, if it is true, there is no chance of reconciliation for the two of us. He tells me he still loves me and his repeated the sentiments to his father and sons. I have left the marital home to go stay with family. I am being told that it is good and healthy to mourn the end of my marriage and that I need to find the strength to build a future for myself. While I know this rationally, I cannot help but think that he will come to his senses, realize that not only is it not a viable relationship, but that he doesn’t have the support of any of his family and friends. His sons, sister and father are being very supportive to me and not very supportive of him. They are totally shocked by his actions. He’s the last man on earth to have done what he did.

Does anybody have any advice for me? How long will this pain be debilitating for me? Is there any way to get him back? What are chances he’ll change his mine? All told they have really only been together less than 2 weeks over a six-month space of time. Everything else was on cell phone or email.
How do I move on when I cannot let go of my past? Is there anything I can do to help myself out such as a routine that can help me find the process to begin to believe I can get through this? Anything would be greatly appreciated. I start psychological counselling tomorrow.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: lostinmanitoba ]</small>

Since I posted I've been to a psychologist and mediator. They both said I needed to go home, get back to my job. and tell him he needs to leave the home to figure out what he really wants. When I got here, he was gone. I think to her for the weekend. So he'll receive the news that I'm back home when he's with her or when he gets back. If it's with her, I guess there will be a bit of a damper on their weekend as he'll have to deal with where will he go when he gets back home. The two places are six hours apart.
Hope they have fun.

Can anyone tell me where to look for a list of the initials used in the posts?

Hi Lost,

Glad you found us.

The abbreviations are here:

click here


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess there will be a bit of a damper on their weekend as he'll have to deal with where will he go when he gets back home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you planning to ask him to move out? Have the two of you talked about separating already?


Shul

Hi, LIM. Another Canadian, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm in BC.
Have you read Plan A? And Plan B? They are the keystones of this site. If you start at the www.marriagebuilders.com website and then go the forum when the Plan A and B site is you will find the principles and techniques.

This is so recent for you, have you tried Plan A at all? One of the first things that you need to do is expose the affair. Horrible but necessary. But you really need to read up before you do anything. This is all explained.

It sounds like you still want your marriage. It will be a horrible and tough road with no guarantee at the end of it. But, there is hope and at the very least, you will have gained a lot of knowledge and self confidence. Stay Strong.

I am rather new so I am sure that some of the more experienced MBs will come along. Keep posting on this thread for a while and that will bump you up to the top.

{{{LIM}}}}
That's a Hug!

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

We spent 2 months after the affair was exposed living in matrimonial bliss I thought. I had let down all barriers and our love-making was fantastic! I told him ILY at least 6 times a day, hugs, smiles, just to be told that it was over. Never let him see me cry out of fear it would end because I knew he was still carrying feelings for OW. She works for the same company so there were emails and phone calls daily. I thought he was honouring the commitment to me. He went to her to end the affair 2 months ago and I truly believed him. I still think he did mean it but just couldn't forget her. Now on Nov 3, he came home from work, walked past me, put down his things and turned and walked back to me. As he came near I knew what he was going to say - it was written all over him. He hugged me and said it was over. In tears he said no one could have tried harder. His sons came in soon after and one offered to drive me to the city to my daughter's. I packed some clothes and my PC so I could maybe do my job from the city. It didn't work. No sleep for 3 nights, no eating, drinking, just crying. Great diet - lost 8 pounds! I ended up in emergency speaking to a psych nurse and doctor. Once they were sure I wasn't suicidal they gave me sleeping pills for a few nights. I was already on antidepressants. The next day I called my GP at home and asked he he could order the next round of my antidepressants at a city pharmacy for me as it was up for renewal. I told him what had happened and he aslo added some more sleeping pills to the order. I went to a clinical psychologist on Wednesday as it was the first appointment I could get. He said I needed to go home. I also went to my daughter's mediator who helps couples sort things out either for continuing a marriage or ending one. She also told me to go home. WS has taken away my marriage of 19 years, taken away from me the man I've been in love with for 25 years, and I have to tell him that I can't also lose my home and my job. I came home yesterday. He was gone. It was Remembrance Day and he booked today off work so went yesterday afternoon to her and will probably be home Sunday. I called his cell phone to talk to him and let him have the "speech" but he wouldn't answer. I eventually left a message on his voice mail that I was home and that we needed to talk.
So how does this fit Plan A so far? I plan to continue to talk to him respectfully and with caring. He knows I am still in love with him and told him if things didn't work out with her to not be afraid to call me and perhaps rekindle our marriage.
How long does it take for the disappointment and hurt from his parent and children to make an impact on his feelings for the OW? My stepsons are very angry and assure me that I am theri children's and unborns grandmother. That the other will not be part of their family. I know all that can change but they don't think their dad's working with a full deck right now. He's the last man on earth anyone would suspect of this.
Anyway, he works out of our home and his car. I have packed his office up for hime to move out of here Sunday - to a motel or friend's house. My mediator said he needs to feel some of the consequences of his decision. I'm not trying to hurt him - he just has to leave until he thinks things through. She says I can't let him stay or that will further empower him and decrease his respect for me.

lost -

It is completely miserable at first. But as you read here, you will see that all WS's do and say the same things. Start with Plan A and expect NOTHING from him, because that is what you will get. But he will be taking it in.

You are just like the rest of us, cannot believe that this happened, never thought your partner would cheat or be so uncaring. But that is the way they are. Try not to take it personally. I know it is hard.

Keep reading and posting here, and we will help you.

Thanks believer

I'm trying to get strong.I have a big day on Sunday and am not sure how I feel about it. Is it crazy to say I'm looking forward to seeing him? Also scared.

BTW in your profile I get everything but SSD. What is that? Can't find it in the list Shul sent me the link for.

Lost -

That is my own appreviation for my two step daughters, that are sisters to my step children. It is a very mixed up story.

Right now, you need to hunker down. You are at a horrible place, but it won't always be like that. You can follow the MB plan and do just fine.

And the best part is that we will help you.

Used to live in "The Peg" in the late 80's...now I'm out west.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We spent 2 months after the affair was exposed living in matrimonial bliss </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposed to whom? Did he tell you the OW has split from her H? Don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see. Find out who it is, then speak to her husband. Then the rest of your family then your husband's. Then close friends that support the marriage. If he still wants to go "think things through" (that's affairese for screwing the other person without having to rush home) then the call to the company they work for. Your communication should state you love your husband, want to heal the marriage, but you need their support to get hubby to end his affair.

It sounds like you have been doing an intuitive plan A for a while in that you have been loving and aviding the outbursts etc. Stop saying ILY and don't discuss the relationship...yours or theirs. Far more important is the exposure.

See a lawyer. Protect yourself financially. Get the lawyer to spell out his financial obligations once he goes let him know. Do all this in a short time frame. I suggest once you have done the research, exposed, see a lawyer and he goes. A quick plan B is in order. I don't believe in prolonging the pain. I will post some links at a later time...movie night with tht kids right now.

Read SAA by Harley and "Love must be tough" by Dr. J. Dobson.

Good luck.

OK...kids in bed after the usual threats and bribes...where were we.

I reread your post as I raced through it earlier. Firstly.....STAY IN YOUR HOUSE, as you were told. If he decides to leave, let him walk out on his family and feel the door shut behind him as he throws away 19 years of marriage.

Tell him you want to work on the marriage and it's not your desire to separate, but no pleading, begging or crying (tough, I know)

Anti-depressants - good...one needs a clear head and enough sleep to go into battle...this is battle...not for the feint of heart.

Find out the goods on the HW (home wrecker). Like I said, don't believe a word he says about her leaving her husband, If she has, you may need him as an ally. Talk to him. Don't let hubby know you are/will be doing this.

Expose, Expose, Expose....call the company if you must, especially if this is superior - subordinate relationship, companies are very sensitive to sexual harassment complaints or the potential thereof.

Don't let him steal the family money. Cancel joint accounts, give him half the money in them and open new ones. Cancel joint credit cards...now. Don't finance his affair.

How old are the children and do they live with you? That will dictate child support. See a good lawyer ASAP. Make sure you are protected financially. Canada is a no-fault divorce country, it is federal legislation and he must be separated from you at least a year before the divorce can be complete. That is on your side.

Do these things without malice, he may get very angry. Don't apologize or enter into any sort of insulting and disrespectful verbal exchanges. Simply say you are defending your marriage and your home.

Some links to read:

WAT's guidelines

Natural consequences

Plan A, Doormats and Lovebusters

A Good Catch-all

Another Good Catch-all By TOOMuchCoffeeMan

Take the time to read these links. Post here for any questions you have. In my opinion, you have been into plan A for a couple of months, but some more exposure may be in order. You MUST call this woman's husband. In regards to the plan B letters. Write one now and post it here to let the experts massage it and keep in your back pocket. I firmly believe the time for plan B is as soon as possible after he moves out, but only if all aspects of Plan A are completed.

One more thing, call the Harleys or Penny Tupy at SMYC and get some personal counseling from the experts on this stuff.

Good luck, I feel your pain.