I picked to go to the football game and not my nieces baptism, now [censored] has hit the fan. UURG.

We have had these tickets for MONTHS, baptism come up, now I am the bad daughter/sister. Always putting my H first- makes me a bad person.

Were you wrong???

IMHO....yeah you were wrong... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Baptism's are once in a lifetime, football games aren't.

But that is just "my opion" and you did ask right?

Most moms and sisters would be hurt if their daughter or sis did not think their child was a little more important than football game. Just put yourself in their shoes for a minute.

Does it make you a terrible person??? NO. It makes you a human who makes mistakes!

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I picked to go to the football game and not my nieces baptism, now [censored] has hit the fan. UURG.

We have had these tickets for MONTHS, baptism come up, now I am the bad daughter/sister. Always putting my H first- makes me a bad person. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ya know KMEJ.....LOL, I think this situation is so much more than a f-ing football game. I think the excuse of "putting your husband first" is just that....an excuse to do what you want...THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. You are an adult woman, a mother....act like it. You do NOT need permission to do what you want to in your life. Stop looking for reassurabce on this. If you go to the game, your family will be upset....you will have to deal with the consequences. If you go to the baptism, your husband will be upset and just go with a friend....and you will suffer his anger at you. You cannot make everyone happy in this life. Please do what you want to and feel is the best thing for yourself. If you didn't feel what you were doing was wrong you wouldn't be asking the question over and over and over again. PLease don't take this as an insult but just my unbiased observation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LUCKY YOU!

You found something to make a decision about that was nearly completely neutral.

Just a judgement call..no clear right or wrong.

Yep, someone didn't like it..but that someone wasn't your H who is your primary interest in pleasing, right?

So what's all the hubbub? Either way the feces were going to fly..just an unfortunate coincidence.

You chose to invest in your M rather than your R with your sister. Now live with it.

You can tell her why, but you don't OWE her any explanation aside from "sorry, I couldn't make it." She's mad, but so what? Life is full of disappointment. If I were you I'd be a little disappointed in her ..

You can't please everyone.

Noodle

The thing is this was a birthday present. H planned for it, has been in the works for months. Yeah I see the need to be at the baptism. I asked if they could do it at the earlier service, I would be there with bells on. Honest I would.

Right now, I either do not go to the game and that shows my H that all his thought and effort for my birthday meant nothing to me. He got the seats I have been wishing for for years. I hurt his feelings. He has a babysitter for all day Saturday until Sunday night- has a whole weekend for "US" planned. Have not done that for YEARS. My kids will go to the baptism regardless. My dad will take them. Rock and a hard place here. Who do I make angry.
Wish I knew.

My brother mother sister father are all upset, but can see my pinch. I do not want to make anyone mad.

I am a grown women. I just want everyone to be happy.

Oh yeah, my dad said (just called) that I will be showing my brother that his daughters pathway into heaven is not important to me. How do I expect to get in heaven he would like to know.

I believe in God. I just want to get through until tomorrow. I hate hurting people.

Noodle- your right- no matter what I chose I was going to lose.

Lemonman- laughing at me is not an answer, and does NOT help. Wish everything was so cut and dry in my world as it is yours- seriously

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

IMMHO......I think you need to quit worrying about pi$$ing people off.

I used to be a people pleaser.....but it gets old. Makes you feel like your always kissin' somebody's a$$ after a while....and then you get to a point where you can't please anyone....cuz they EXPECT it from you.

My family is constantly mad at me for one reason or another........of course they usually only call me when they want something.....and I learned how to say no. That has upset them all.....but....I feel better about myself because I'm not worrying about them being mad.

Don't let people try to guilt trip you into anything either.....I know you already let your H do that....I'm sure he's a master at it by now.

There ARE some times when you have to make yourself #1.....and if it pi$$es someone off....well....even better.....should make you feel good.....means you must be important somehow.

JMHO....from a reformed people pleaser.

Thanks Mrs. Priss~
You are right. NO matter what I do I always seem to pi$$ someone off. Rather tired of all the guilt trips. If they were a guilt trip to the bahamas I would manage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

My brothers feelings are justified, I would probably be pi$$ed off too if I were him, however he would probably not change his long ago made plans for it. I understand where he is coming from. H only does what suits him. I could let him give my ticket to a friend, but that was for my birthday... THat and my family would still be mad because he was not in attendance.

THey are still waiting on my H to apologize to them. Wish he would, probably never going to happen.

Wonder what is going to happen when they find out we are going to his side for Thanksgiving <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Something seems just so bizarre about this situation. And you need to ask yourself, like I have asked myself, how you got into an abusive marriage. The answer, for me at least and there is evidence here that for you as well, is that you grew up with abuse. My H told me in his anger management group that one guy keeps saying, "Fish didn't discover water."

What your father said to you is very abusive and disrespectful. You don't care about your niece's path to heaven?

KMEJ, you need therapy. You need to recognize and not tolerate abuse, from your husband OR your father.

There is damage done no matter what your choice. The real problem started BEFORE there was a choice. There never should have been a choice. Had your brother wanted you at the baptism that much, they could have made a phone call ahead to make sure you were available. Because a baptism is once in a lifetime and football games are not, your H could have gone to the trouble of switching what game he has tickets for. There would be effort, of course, selling one game's tickets and buying another's and rescheduling the babysitter, but it could be done.

I grew up with abuse. Did not know it. It wasn't physical. It wasn't verbal. It was emotional. I had to do exactly what my parents asked, or it was a catastrophe. Tell me, please, what would be the catastrophe in not including some words in my high school valedictory speech? I was already accepted into a college. My high school was done. Where was the impact on my life at all? You know what it was? I felt like I couldn't even write a speech. I couldn't do anything without oversight, or I would screw up.

My H grew up with a father completely disregarded his wife's feelings. So I marry a guy who learned to completely disregard a wife's feelings, and I was brought up to completely disregard my feelings. THAT'S MY STORY.

WHAT'S YOUR STORY? Whatever happens in your M, with the baptism, whatever,...The baptism doesn't matter. The football game doesn't matter. What matters is that this conflict is part of a pattern of problems that will plague your life until you are able to recognize and not tolerate abuse. I can tell you that, for myself, it has been worth the effort to recognize abuse and no longer tolerate it.

Cherished

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

KMEJ, this is such a sticky situation but if your WH really has planned a weekend for the two of you, that is quite special. Your family are still mad at him for his A and this is all about taking sides.

Family celebrations are terribly important and a baptism holds more weight in my mind than a football match. That said, after all the bad mouthing you do about your husband, you now say he has booked this special time for you both. Given your past posts about your WH, I'd be inclined to go to the family event. I just have a feeling you might be needing their support soon. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Good luck, TT

KMEJ-I think a baptism is a very important event in a family. Just put yourself in your brother's position. If you were the one having the baptim, and your brother calls you and tells you he cannot attend because he has a game that he would like to attend. Would you be offended, hurt? Or you would not care that your brother will not be there for your son's baptim?
My husband always tells me that you have to try to see the other person's feelings or views , to try to see how will they feel.
Something that I am just learning myself! Trying to put myself in my husband's shoes.
Its a completely different outlook!

Take care

Myrta

Sorry, I'm tired. Just re-read my reply and it sounds like crap. I haven't got a clue what you should do. Me - I'd go for the baptism. But maybe tomorrow I'll go for the football. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Night from Asia, TT

Personally, as much I like football (and I REALLY like football) I'd have gone with the baptism. But...I always try to make my family my first priority, if I can help it.

There's a bigger issue here, though: your relationship with your family is badly out of whack. You need to find a way to mend those fences, or this kind of stuff is going to happen more and more often.

I'm not a particularly religious sort, but..in your case, the baptism seems like an excellent way to start to mend some fences. Espcially if your family knew how much you had given up - a football game that you really wanted to be at. They'd have appreciated the sacrifice, no doubt.

I understand the position you are in: you are caught between your husband and your family. Idelaly, the way to solve this would be FOR both of you to go to the baptism AS A COUPLE.

Have you made any progress on your other issues? How are the kids?

KMEJ, you have made the right decision! Your husband is your partner in life. He should be your first priority. I may be looking at things from a different perspective, but baptism at an early age means nothing. You are born without sin, so being baptized when you are very young has nothing to do with going to heaven. Now if your neice was of the age where she can make her own decisions and has turned away from sin and wants to cleans her body of all sin, then yes, baptism is a great thing. But, regardless, your neice is not going to be your partner, your husband, your lover, your friend all her life is she? Look at the love bank picture, the more you put in the more you get back out. Others may not agree with me, but your neice has a low priority in this case. I'm sure she won't remember if you went to her baptism or not and that's what is important. Who cares if your sisters, brothers or parents are mad. Will your neice be mad, its her day. Does your neice even want to be baptized? I am a christian and I do believe in baptism for the right reasons. Baptism is the cleansing of the body of all sin and it is a step you have to take to get into heaven, but believe me, if you think that once you are baptized you are automatically going to heaven, you are in for a big surprise. Do you think from the time an infant is baptized to the day they die, they will never commit sin. Highly doubtful.... Just my perspective on this. Don't get beat up with the religious aspect of this. Again, who's your partner in life? He should be your first priority....

LOST-WITHOUT-HER
You call KMEJ a partner,a lover, a husband?
He is none of the above. She does not have do anything for him. He treats her, not in a loving or caring way.
Her "birth" family has always stand behind her, even if she does not approve of their ways.
Yes, we are born with no sin, but a baptims is a very important event in a family, and it should be handle as such!

FrederickGirl...

Do you live in Frederick?

Andrew---I live in Fredericksburg,Virginia.

Oooops, sorry to offend people. That wasn't my intent. I guess I don't know the whole story here. And I let my religious views come out which is always contraversial. Forget what I said. Don't beat me up... Sorry......

Thanks for all the responses- really.

Funny thing- I asked my father what he would do if he bought his wife tickets to a play several months ago and they happened to land on the same day as the baptism- what would he do. HE said that was a tough one, but not the same. How is it not the same- okay a play to a football game. A play is a production that is the same everytime it is done, and yeah I could record the game.

You asked what my problem is with my brother. We have been estranged for many years, we will get together occasionally for a births, birthdays, or holidays. We do not talk on the phone, we do not e-mail unless we have a question. SOund typical to you? How about if I tell you he lives a mile away? Changes it a little.

My brother's and my relationship became estranged when his oldest son was sexually innappropriate with my oldest. They did not want to deal with it and chaulked it up to "playing doctor". No doctors I know do what my nephew did to my son. No other parent would be okay with what happened.

We have tried to mend fences. I went to my other neices (brothers other daughter) baptism even though I had not spoken with my brother in over a year and was not even called when she was born- and got a forwarded e-mail that informed me of it. I have always put my husband second, that is partally why he cheated so he says. I never made him feel special or more important then my family- this other girl did (before you 2x4 me again for calling someone a girl, that is what she was- she was only 19) not a excuse in my book, but a need I was not meeting.

I have made it to every other thing I was invited too, cancelled many a plans to do so. THis one time I am saying no and now I have given myself a one way ticket out of heaven in my families eyes.

H and I had a long talk about a week ago. Since then I have seem him take great strides at treating myself and my children better. He still slips up, ignores me, hangs up on me, but over all I can see that he is trying. YOu all may be very well right and very very soon I will need them to lean on if things go back down hill.

I am stuck. I can not make everyone happy. No these tickets can not be replaced- well they can, but not as good of seats as we have or the anticpation leading up to them, how excited we are. I should be there for my niece as well. DOes anyone have a way I can be at two places at once?

I used to put my family ahead of my W all the time. I didn't really realize it until after she left and we talked about it then. I didn't realize I was putting my family before her. Sure my family is important and they have gotten me through a lot of this, but the bottom line is, I still love my W and now I would put her ahead of my family. Why? Because she and I and my kids are 'MY' family. I'm sorry that you are in a rough position, but you have to do what is the best for you. That is your decision to make, not mine, not your parents, not your friends or your husband, it is your decision...