Anyone who is on here tonight, I deleted this whole thing, because I'm tired of all my whining.

I'm taking action.

K

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 04:36 AM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

I'm here.

K

what' up???
bb

I'm here. I'm just at the beginning of the whole sordid thing

K7 people with nothing to hide hide nothing.

You need to police your boundary here.

Tell H something like " I can't make you be honest with me but you should know I am made to feel humilated and unappreciated when you are not transparent in your communications. I am looking for reasons to trust you again, and it makes me sad when I find reasons that do NOT help rebuild my trst for you. Please be honest with me. The truth cannot hurt more than the lies already have."

You do not have to let this hurt you. Release your care for his communication with OW, plan A ( or if you have had enough) plan B your buns off. Focus on maing YOU better and happy. Take back the permission youhave given this cellphone to make you happy or sad.

Its horrible. I managed my Squids secret cellphone in the way above and it worked after a while. Consistency of policing. he may not respond by opening up to you. If not, you must take choices based on that behaviour.
Care for YOU k7, and NEVER stop venting on here. You'll only bottle it up and bust at your WH.

{{{{k7}}}}}

K?

Action doesn't mean a shotgun blast to the chest..right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Noodle {whistling past the graveyard}

K, where are you????

bb

Good morning.....

I went to bed. Have to take my puppy to the vet this morning.

WH HID his work cell. He knows I go out and look at it. I ask him about erased calls if I find them.

This morning, I got up when WH did. I asked him where his cell phone was. He said "out in my car". (I SEARCHED his car last night. Couldn't find it)

Me: "Do you mind if I look at it?"

WH: "So you are going to start in my already!" (one of his typical lines)

Me: "I'm not starting in on you. I just asked you a question."

WH: "I don't care!" He went outside - supposedly to get his cell. He dinked around out there till his ride got here. He's still mad.

WH: "I'll show it to you when I get home!"

Me: "Okay."

Now, I've been nice, NICE, this whole conversation. I knew he would wiggle out of this.

I decided last night, after searching his car, I'm not going to do this ANYMORE. I am tired of his still lying, and hiding things. That's why I edited my post.

I'm tired of my whining. I'm taking action (no shotguns, but thanks for the idea).

BB, HC, Bob, Noodle..........WHAT WERE YOU DOING UP SO LATE? (I know, you all live on the other side of the world!)

Thanks.....got to go! Will check in later.

K

K,

I'm feeling with you................gosh. The "hiding of the cell phone & his reaction" is definately a "Red Flag" if you ask me!! His being defensive and angry even makes the "Red Flag" bigger to me.
I don't know if I am "that damaged" that I might not be able to see things right but I don't think this is good at all.

Your husband is "avoiding" this because it is "uncomfortable" and if he was being honest he wouldn't have to feel this way. This is what I think.

I'd for sure keep on snooping. You will know when you don't have to snoop anymore.

But I'd also like to tell you one thing. Even though SH told you to Plan A, I think the situation is getting different now. I think it is now heading for Plan B because it seems to be the time to "protect yourself & your feelings".

Will you be able to do this the right way, this time?????
Will you honestly be able to cope with "what comes" no matter what???

Even though I don't believe that your marriage will end and I don't believe that your husband will stay with OW, I do think he has to have the chance to "live his fantasy" in order to see "reality!


Hey and BTW we are approx. 8-10 hours ahead of you so it's isn't late here yet. It's now 16h10. Ten past 4 in the afternoon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

Hi bb....

I'm back from town now.

While I was there, WH called me on my cell. I knew he wanted to talk his way out of this. He did TRY.

He said he has never hidden his cell phone from me. Well, that's not true.

He also said, "How about if I just leave and let you be happy and not have to worry about what I do!"

The whole time we talked, he was trying very hard to control his anger. "If that's what you WANT, then I'll just bring my phones in and you can look at them anytime you want. I DON'T LIKE IT."

Then he made some comment something like I wouldn't like what I see....but that he was not going to stop. (Not exact words, but the content is right)

I told him that I didn't know why he talked to SH if he wasn't going to do what he agreed to do. He had no comment. So, the only thing I can figure is that he was just throwing crumbs.

Red Flags - isn't that an amusement park? Oh, no, that's SIX Flags! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes, definitely, red flags.

I'm also going to ask for the password to his work voice mail. Maybe not today, but very, very soon.

I'm no longer afraid of his wrath. No longer afraid of his leaving. No longer afraid of D.

I'm tired of this situation. Tired of my whining. You all have given me good role models to follow here. I need to follow them. Be strong. Be happy with me.

No longer a whiner.....woman of ACTION , THAT'S ME!

And thanks, Bob, for your suggestion of what to say. It's right on!

K

You don't need to ask for the passwords, of ask to see the phone. You can make it short, and sweet.

First read this -
Takola on trust

Now, you can simply explain that to him, and tell him it's up to him. Right now, you don't trust him, and if he wants your trust, he has to earn it.

Him showing you his phone with out you asking.
His giving you all his passwords on his own.
and so on -

So, does he want your trust, or not? That's up to him, but it will tell you want you want to know as sure as looking at the phone to see who he has been talking to. Make it easy on you, let HIM do the work to get you to trust him. If he won't, what do you have anyway?

SS

After D-day and my FWH gave me a hard time about answering questions and it was like pulling teeth to get an honest answer out of him...I gave him a similar talk.

I told him, "The burden of proof is upon you, whenever you are out of the house, I will assume you are with her, whenever you hide your email or phone, I will assume you have contacted her. It is YOUR job to prove to me these things aren't happening. I will no longer ask you, I will assume this is going on, and act accordingly. If you want me to think a different way, that is your job to show me the proof..."

SS.....

You are right...... it's the actions that count.

His actions of erasing calls, and locking his phone out in his car SCREAM of hiding his contact with OW.

Like Bob Pure said, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Thanks, K.

K amongst MANY blessings God gave me during the post-A mess , teh greatest wa spossibly teh realization one day that I REALLY REALLY wanted my Squid back but I didn;t NEED her back.

I'd be really sad to split with her, but I'd live and be happy again eventually.

Its GREAT to release your desperation to cling to a wayward spouseI think.

To me it meant that I was here trying to make it work because I WANTED to , not because I NEEDED to ,nor was COMPELLED to.

I have said as much to Squid. When she fear sI don't love her despite my affection I tell her that why would I be there if I didn't want to be?

You H will soon see that you don't need him. That will probably shake something up in his foggy head.

All blessings.

Bob Pure and StillHere....

The burden of proof is on the WS.

I believe in my heart that I would be happy to be alone, without WH. I didn't always feel that way...all my feelings were coated with a sort of desperation.

Not so now.

I WANT to be married to my REAL H, not WH. I am tired of looking into the face of a liar.

Burden of proof.......hmmmmmmm. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Thanks, K

Update....

WH came home last night, and threw his work cell in my lap.

I looked at it. Then he said (sarcastically) "Is that okay?"

I just handed it back to him. Haven't talked to him about his "burden of proof" yet.

He was acting all down and out. I WILL talk to him today. Hope that goes well.

Also, he put his cell phone away. I don't know where.

I want to let him know that I fully realize WH and OW can communicate thru their voice mail.

Don't know if I should or not.

K

**********8SIGH***********

What a way to live KT72. I feel sorry for you. I can't imagine having to live like you are. To me that is not living. But this is just my opinion. I hope your husband comes around....Good luck in saving your marriage.

Thanks Lemonman...

It is NO way to live. WH completely still fogged. By no means in recovery.

I too hope he will come around. This is a circus, as far as I'm concerned.

K

Weekend Update.....

(Sounds like a news show)

Saturday passed pleasantly at home. WH put his cell phones in his duty bag (I found them - he doesn't know).

We went out with friends Saturday night to listen to a band, and have dinner. Had a good time.

Sunday, we went to a training session for WH (he's a search and rescue volunteer - dive team), and I had to go to the ear doctor.

Nice day, we went out to eat afterwards.

Rented a movie last night. I slept thru most of it (too many nights with no sleep).

And thru it all, the cell phones were out of sight. Last night, he moved them out to his car. I went and checked them. The log and timer still said the same thing as they had on Friday.

So, unless WH has to adultery cell phone back, he has not been in contact with OW this weekend.

I am going to write him an e-mail in a couple of minutes thanking him for talking to SH. That I really appreciate his effort.

Any other suggestions? I continue to snoop.

K

Hi K,

if I only had the right words for you right now............ but as I have said so many times, it's so hard for me to put things into writen words.

And I also don't think that "My way" would really be the MBer way. When I was at this point of "recovery" I didn't know anything about MB, so I did it all very intuatively.(is that a word???) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think I can probably explain better, if you ask me questions. That way, I get a better idea of your situation........ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb