Hi everyone. New here and could use some advice. I did post this on another board and didn't get much response <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Brief outline

Married for nearly 12 years and we have 1 child.
He cheated on me once a few years back, I was heartbroken. His affair had only been going for a few weeks and he ended it, said he loved me, it was me that he wanted to be with, couldn't understand why he did what he did and he was really remorseful and so I forgave him, we managed to bounce back and we became closer than ever.

Lately though he seems to be in a world of his own, doesn't seem himself and of course the alarm bells began ringing once more, could he be having an affair. So I'd gone prying through his email accounts. I then discovered a folder containing emails that he's sent to an ex girlfriend of his and whom he hasn't seen since before we married. All I know of the R between them is, is that she was his first love from way back in his teens and they had a relationship that spanned almost 9 years. They broke up due to constantly arguing and they both moved on to marry other people, my husband married me, his ex married and moved away.

In these emails they are just talking as if they are old friends. No sexual innuendo, no arrangements to meet up. But, he does tell her that he still cares for her and that he has carried memories of her since they've been apart, that he's always wondered what became of her, etc.
He also tells her he's still married, that his wife, (me) is sweet natured and loving and that he feels closer to me than ever since his affair. He revealed that he'd had an affair to his ex also.

Thing that's bugging me is, is that he contacted his ex without my knowledge, he kept it secret from me. I'd have been the none the wiser about these emails, if I hadn't gone prying. He says in these mails that he feels closer to me now than ever, so why on earth if he feels closer to me than ever, does he have a need to contact/talk to an ex girlfriend?

I confronted him about these emails and his ex and he says she is just a friend from the past whom he has fond memories of, nothing more.

I'm not sure what to think. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I'm probably not one to give advice, but I would be concerned if I were you. There are no rooms for secrets in a marriage. If he is hiding this from you it's because he knows he shouldn't be doing it.

They may be talking as if old friends now, but that could easily turn into something more. Again, I am not really one to give advice since I am bitter right now, but you have some red flags going up. I know one thing I have learned is that you gotta trust your gut. Mine hasn't been wrong yet.

unfortunaley.

Misn'tF

Isobel -

Speaking with the voice of experience, I can tell you that this e-mail R (relationship) needs to be nipped in the bud.

Marriage Counseling (MC) would be a great help. Since your H (husband) has already had one A (affair), the issues surrounding that situation should probably be addressed. Then your marriage (M) needs to be affair-proofed.

Read _His Needs Her Needs_ by Willard Harley, ask your H (husband) to read it, and fill out the questionnaires together. Find out what each other's needs are, and begin filling them, so that no one else will be given the chance to fill those needs!

MIF is right - there is no room for secrets in an M!

God bless,

Rose

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rose55:
<strong> Isobel -

Speaking with the voice of experience, I can tell you that this e-mail R (relationship) needs to be nipped in the bud.

Marriage Counseling (MC) would be a great help. Since your H (husband) has already had one A (affair), the issues surrounding that situation should probably be addressed. Then your marriage (M) needs to be affair-proofed.

Read _His Needs Her Needs_ by Willard Harley, ask your H (husband) to read it, and fill out the questionnaires together. Find out what each other's needs are, and begin filling them, so that no one else will be given the chance to fill those needs!

MIF is right - there is no room for secrets in an M!

God bless,

Rose </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Rose and thanks for the advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So do you think that perhaps I'm not filling some 'need' that he has and his ex is through mere emails? I'm not sure what that 'need' could be. Our marriage is good, better than ever these days, so I'd thought anyway. I'm not sure either how he would react to filling questionnaires in, he would probably laugh at me and tell me to stop being silly.

Is your story on the same lines as mine? If so, could you give me the url so I can go and read it. Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Isobel,

When you confronted him, did you tell him it was the secrecy that bothered you? And, did you ask him to stop?

Hello AndrewA

When I'd confronted him I asked him why on earth he'd want to contact her after all of this time and I accused him of other things too, such as wanting to be with her, that he still carried a torch for her. If it had meant nothing as he says it didn't, then why keep it secret.

I've asked him to stop, yes. He says he will if it bothers me that much, but will he? My main fear now is that he will go underground, set up other email addys to contact her.

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: Isobel ]</small>

Isobel,

There's an old saying "trust, but verify." You're right to worry that he will go "underground." You may want to look into a keylogger or some spyware for your computer.

What bothers me a bit is that he says he'll stop "if it bothers you." So...it's only wrong if it bothers you? He doesn'e seem to see this as a behavior that, by itself, is inapprpriate for a married man. It is wrong whether it bothers you or not.

Given that you know he has cheated on you in the past, I'd be very wary of this "friendship." I think you need to be firm with him - let him no that if he contnues to contact her, there will be consequences.

Isobel -

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. My H took the day off yesterday, and we spent the afternoon together!

I don't think my story is on here all in one post. This is obviously the "cliff notes version," but here goes: I am the FWW, and my A started out as "friendly" e-mails with an old BF, so I'm painfully familiar with the scenario. It turned into an EA, then eventually a PA (one time).

I immediately regretted it, came home, confessed to my H, and we have been on the rocky road to recovery ever since, which has included doctors, pastors, therapists, and pharmacists!

We counseled with a secular MC and also with our pastor for 8 months. Our pastor gave us the HNHN book. One main point of the Harley concept is that when a person has an A, the OP is filling needs that the WS felt weren't being filled at home.

Believe me, needs can be filled through "mere e-mails!" For example, "conversation," (even written, although e-mails can swiftly turn into phone calls!), and admiration (example, "I'm so proud of what you have accomplished since high school."). A keylogger, such as Andrew A suggested, is not a bad idea. BS's would have better advice about that.

Your H is the only one who could answer the question of whether he feels he has unmet needs or not. You both might be surprised to find out there are needs you both have that you both feel are being neglected.

Of course, there are other reasons for having A's, such as sexual addiction, which I don't have any experience with.

Finding out about each other's needs seems like a good place to start working on an M.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

God bless,

Rose

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>