Hi

I am feeling so depressed now i just need a freind and who best to turn to but people who understand just what i am going through?

I feel like i am fighting a losing battle, yes he is through with the ohter woman, it has been four months and things were really bad for a while, i thought that i was goung to drown.

But lately i get the feeling like he is here just beacuse he is afraid of what people would say if he left me and the children, seeing as our son just turned a year.

i am really not happy and i am beginning to think that maybe it's best for everyone if i just walk away. Maybe i am not the one that he loves.

I tried talking to him about it last night and as usual he said nothing, no words of encouragement nothing. I don't want to force anyone to love me.

But how do i get him to open up and talk. He ignores me completly now. We don't go anywhere, don't do anything togehter, i am just so frustrated and depressed right now i need help getting through this i can't do this on my own anymore. And it really does feel like i am doing this alone.

Some one please help me

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I had exactly the same problem with my WH. He was home but did NOTHING to show his remorse. He never spoke about it, never attempted to spend any time with me (other than at home), refused to leave out his cellphone for me to check (tool of his affair), wouldn't go to a councellor, didn't have an STD test. In short, he did nothing to help MY recovery and I felt I deserved better.

I think resentment just built up and eventually I asked to separate. I felt it was what he was waiting for. Almost like he'd said to himself, "if I just sit this out, do nothing, say nothing, she'll get pissed off with me and then we'll separate and I can go back to OW". This is my take on things.

It is not nice. We have 3 great kids who he has given so little of his time to. I feel like he has been hypnotised and one day, he will snap out of it. Will it be too late? For now we are separated. Still have my up days and my down days but at least I don't have to share a bed with a man who won't touch me or talk to me. Sigh. TT.

Hi, Sindy. I am sure more experienced folks will come along soon. I know how hard it is. THis is the 2nd time around for me. Your WH is home, though. And that is a big bonus. I know, my WH is in the Navy, at sea right now, and he lives in a different city! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Are you in Plan A? How is that going? Are you trying to control the LBs? I think that R talks are considered an LB. Did you expose the affair? To who? Are you in counselling? Have you seen your doctor to get some ADs?

Calm down, take a huge breath and take care of yourself. It will be very rough for a while. But, it sounds like he is still in a fog. So, you are the one that needs to do all the thinking and all the planning.

Keep posting. It helps a lot. People here are great. They are honest and will give you great advise.


{{{Sindy}}}

Hi Sindy,

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Are you certain the A is really over? Even if it is...there is usually a long period of withdrawal afterwards. My guess is that's what's going on. It's hard to watch, and it feels horrible...but it may take 6 months to a year for your H to really get this out of his system. Try and hang in there a little longer chere...it's too early to expect full recovery at this point. Keep the lovebusting down and fill the needs you can right now.

(((((((((((((sindy)))))))))))))

I am living with the exact same thing. Won't talk, still hides things and locks his cell phone, still talks to her all day every day and they pass love notes at a common po box several times a day. He still lives at home, but will not talk about or admit the A. (to me) We sleep in the same bed. No contact at all.

I have reached the point I don't know what to do next. I called yesterday and made an appointment with Steve H for next Wednesday morning. Nothing is working, not Plan A, not exposure (it seems), and my self-esteem is dropping not by inches, but by feet.

I suggest that maybe you need the same thing - call Steve. Put it on your credit card, and it will be well worth what it costs if we can save our marriages. JMO - I am just a fellow struggler.

Sindy, I just read some of your older posts. It is tought to stand by someone who doesn't want you. BUt, if you are determined enough and strong enough, you can do this.

BUT, he didn't want the marriage to end. That is is HUGE positive thing. So, PLEASE get some counselling. Has he gone to IC?

I read that you were determined to work on your own issues. Have you? If you don't, what has changed? AS I am finding out, you can't change WH. You can only make it more attractive to stay with you than to leave. So, ignore the FOG. Stay strong for the kids.

Hi thanks guys. It seems like i just ca't stop crying. Everything is so messy. I HATE THIS SOOOO MUCH. Why does this happen? Why can;t things be the way they were before her?

I just want my life back is that too much to ask? i am strating to feel angry and i h ate that too.

Sounds like he is in WITHDRAWL STATE..

Even if you feel he's doing it just to satisfy others - you can take this time to work on making your M better than it ever. Plan A your butt off...show him what he'd be missing if he would have decided otherwise...

You go girl.....it's probably as much as he can give right now..He's still mixed up....

Sindy,
I'm going through the same thing right now. My WW is home, she won't talk to me about the A. She seems to be so protective of OM, her emotions, so inward and withdrawn.

This from a woman who is more of an extrovert. HAHA...

Anyway, I wonder really the same thing. What am I fighting for? Is this person, this person who isn't even fighting to have me forgive her the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I love her dearly. But, I hurt so much.
In the end is it worth all the loss of self respect and hurt that I feel by staying with her.

She has told me if the rolls were reversed she would have left me and not looked back. So I wonder why should I even fight for a woman who wouldn't fight for me.

I only want her to love me as I love her. I can't force that. I can't make her goto MC, or read books, or even work on our marriage.
I am not LB'ing. I am even trying to meet her EN.

But that fight is wearing thin for the very reason you posed the question.

Because for me the answer to your question:
If she did want me, wouldn't she try harder and show me?

Sorry if I'm no help....or being too negative.

sindy...

you have many options and choices available....

the worst choice available is to do nothing....

it will make you feel powerless....

and the one thing you are powerless over is him....

his choices to plug out of this relationship is his alone to own....

I believe your best choice of action is set yourself in motion....

move towards creating the type of home atmosphere you want....
move towards being the type of person you want to be...

happy, fullfilled, someone who finds joy in life...

even inspite of those around us....

first you should turn to prayer...
pray for strength, serenity...focus on the many many blessings....

Next and this is the hardest...pick a time frame in which you are going to do this....
committ to two months of giving this marriage a great chance...

draw him towards you, the home, and the family like a moth to a flame....
and continue on INSPITE OF his reaction and joining in.....

Plan things he would enjoy doing...invite him with love and hope..and EXPECT him not to join in....
celebrate silently when he does...
no mourning when he does not...because his choice is his choice....and he truly loses out..on many many levels.....

EXPECT NOTHING from him...this alone makes his actions and his choices his own responsibility....

If you can committ to this for two months..
day by day..
then at the end of your timeframe..you will know in your heart that...

1. His choices have consequances....and either he will be part of this family or not..

2. You will be able to move to Plan b...where you will know in your heart...you offerred and showed him the opportunity to be part of a loving family....and there is nothing else you can do...but decide that what he has/is offerring is NOT good enough for you....

3. You hold great value and worth in this universe inspite of and regardless of his holding back....the chains you feel are on you...are truly on him...life is too short to not celebrate in marriage and family what it is meant to be....

4. He doesn't love anyone right now...most importantly himself...
show him hope
show him that you believe in the power that people can choose to change...and it always is a choice....

be firm on your time limit...
use the time as well to line your own ducks up in a row....

If you can seek compassion from within you in which you can see a person who makes such poor choices...while knowing that they are his alone....
then you can traverse these murky waters....

what will the outcome be...
well
either
you will get someone who is willing to plug in to the family...
or
you will get someone who is not willing to plug in to the family....

but you will be OK either way...
because you already are OK...
and soon it will not be about what he chooses to do or not...but only about what you choose....
what is acceptable in your life...

ARK

Naples

You aren't being negative because that's how i feel. If he loved me he would be doing everything to make things right. That the thought if losing me would be enough to put him back on track.

I guess maybe i think differently. If i were the one who had hurt him i know that i would try to do my best to make it up to him.

To top everything, he has this new hobby now,fishing. That seems to consume his life now. It feels like he is saying to me "you made me give her up but i still won't spend the time with you, i'll do someting else" and trust me it hurts.

To see that he is always finding time for his new friends but can't find a couple hours for me or the children.

Why do i even have to do this. I am at the stage where i am trying to convince myself that i would be happier without him, maybe that's a good thing who knows?

Ark

Thanks so much for those inspiraing words. I think that i will try what you are suggesting for the next two months.

My problem is that i always find things to do. Eihter with the kids or for us to do alone and when he does not commit I get angry and hurt and i show it.

I guess the trick is not expecting anything from him so that when he does not commit it won't hurt so much.

I'll try Ark i really will because i think that i am at that place where i know in my heart that if the option is to give him up then i am ready even with all the hurt i know will accompany the separation.

I have prayed and asked God to guide us and i thank him everyday for my many blessings b/c i know that inspite of all that i am going through that he loves me and will do what is best for me.

Pray for me cause i will need strenght and patience in all of this. Thanks again

Sindy

My problem is that i always find things to do. Eihter with the kids or for us to do alone and when he does not commit I get angry and hurt and i show it.

that's a big part of the key...
show him that you are happy WITHOUT him as well as with him...

If he can tell this gets a rise out of you...then it becomes the pattern...

you want to get his attention...come back from whatever even happier...

dance with the children in kitchen....
tell him man you missed a good time....

make plans for you where you go out....with friends...

look smashing on the way out...
kiss him goodbye on the forhead...
smile smile smile...

is it acting...
is it fake...

yes and know...
cause what you really desire is a partner to share this joy with...
but you can't make him..
all you can do is show him that it is possible...

show him doom and gloom and self fullfills his belief of how terrible and bad it is.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

no emotion that states misery over his not coming...
but tell him with a sad wistful smile...that you sure did miss him...
and maybe next time he will come...

ark

It might help you to visit http://www.restoreministries.net/member/
and http://rejoiceministries.org

Both sites will give a reason to keep trying even when you aren't seeing results.