I wanted to thank all of you for your support and let you know I have not completely missed all the concepts applied. I am planning on having the relationship talk with my wh tonight. I have a speech prepared but i think the 3 bigs things I need to make clear in order to try to save this marriage.

1. All lies stop now.
2. He sends a NC letter.
3. We go to MC.

If he can't meet these requirements which I have to say are my EN's right now, then I will not waste any more of my effort. I cannot live live Texas and MIF. I will not beg, just promise to be the best person and wife I can be and to be more understanding and open with him. If that is not enough, then for his own happiness he must move on.

Does this sound ok?

Well....yes and no. That last bit.....about "moving on"? If you don't want a divorce, then don't ask for one. You sound like you're giving ultimatims rather than setting boundaries. You can describe what YOU will do...but you can't tell him what he should do...not even for "his own good".

IF and only if...you've done a good Plan A should you consider going to Plan B. And Plan B is not put together like this conversation is.

Your R talk should be about confronting him with your feelings about the affair....and how it's becoming too painful and destroying your love for him. The later step, Plan B, is about what action you intend to take if he can't protect you...not about what he must do.

I understand that I have to change some things about myself. I am willing to do that for myself, even if the m does not work.

But I have searched my soul and I can not just sit back anymore while he lies to me. I had the conversation you were talking about 1 month ago. I gave no ultimatums just begged him to work with me to make things work. He kept on lying to me. So now i do not want to work on the m without complete honesty. It might be an ultimatum but I cannot let the lies go on when I have proof they are lies.

Slacker,

The things you want are reasonable and rational. Be careful, however. As Star*fish said, don't give ultimatums unless you're really ready to file for D.

I think it would be a good idea to re-read the articles about LBs and then look at your three points and figure out how to present them *without* making them demands. Make them respectful requests. Also be sure you don't let any DJs sneak in there.

LBs are poison to any relationship, but since your WH is still not committed to the M, any LBs you commit will drown out the content of your talk. All he will hear is the LBs and in his mind that will be justification to continue his A. He'll say to himself "No wonder I am with OW, my W is such a witch!" You don't want that. You want him to hear your boundaries.

But I have searched my soul and I can not just sit back anymore while he lies to me.

I'm certainly not suggesting you accept lies. But you can't MAKE him be truthful, it's not within your power. You can confront him when he lies. "H, I know you're being untruthful. Please be honest with me."

I had the conversation you were talking about 1 month ago. I gave no ultimatums just begged him to work with me to make things work.

Begging may be just a word here...but it's important that you don't beg, plead or appear needy. As hard as it is, you must really show your strength right now and he must truly believe that you won't tolerate lying and cheating. You can do that by talking about what decisions you will make....and not what you expect or demand that he does for you. It's a subtle difference, but an important one.

He kept on lying to me. So now i do not want to work on the m without complete honesty.

Of course you don't, but this is what fogged up spouses do....lie and cheat. Right now, he is in the throes of an addiction that is clouding his judgement and all he wants to do is keep his secret so he doesn't have to give up his drug.

It might be an ultimatum but I cannot let the lies go on when I have proof they are lies.

Ultimatims imply punishment and retribution to him if he doesn't act a certain way. Boundaries are about you...what you can tolerate and what you can't. How you intend to respond and protect yourself, as well as you love for him. If you can't go on any longer....I completely understand that...but consider a real Plan B then which will communicate your desire to control your own life...rather than to control his.

I'll tell you this....that in the first six months of affairs....when the biochemistry is at it's peak...it is VERY very hard to get through to WSs and get no contact. How long has this A been going on?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by slacker1975:
<strong> I wanted to thank all of you for your support and let you know I have not completely missed all the concepts applied. I am planning on having the relationship talk with my wh tonight. I have a speech prepared but i think the 3 bigs things I need to make clear in order to try to save this marriage.

1. All lies stop now.
2. He sends a NC letter.
3. We go to MC.

If he can't meet these requirements which I have to say are my EN's right now, then I will not waste any more of my effort. I cannot live like Texas and MIF. I will not beg, just promise to be the best person and wife I can be and to be more understanding and open with him. If that is not enough, then for his own happiness he must move on.

Does this sound ok? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks alot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, ya know what? I can't live like Misn'tF either. I already called an attorney, but he is in court. His secretary said she would have him call me later on today. I am getting this train rollin' I have made up my mind. I deserve to be treated better than this. I may not have been the model husband, but if she had a problem she should have come to me so WE could fix it, or divorced me, but not cheated on me.

Misn'tF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by marriage isn't forever:
<strong> [QUOTE]Originally posted by slacker1975:
[qb] I wanted to thank all of you for your support and let you know I have not completely missed all the concepts applied. I am planning on having the relationship talk with my wh tonight. I have a speech prepared but i think the 3 bigs things I need to make clear in order to try to save this marriage.

1. All lies stop now.
2. He sends a NC letter.
3. We go to MC.

If he can't meet these requirements which I have to say are my EN's right now, then I will not waste any more of my effort. I cannot live like Texas and MIF. I will not beg, just promise to be the best person and wife I can be and to be more understanding and open with him. If that is not enough, then for his own happiness he must move on.

Does this sound ok? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks alot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, ya know what? I can't live like Misn'tF either. I already called an attorney, but he is in court. His secretary said she would have him call me later on today. I am getting this train rollin' I have made up my mind. I deserve to be treated better than this. I may not have been the model husband, but if she had a problem she should have come to me so WE could fix it, or divorced me, but not cheated on me.

Misn'tF

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: marriage isn't forever ]</small>

MIF i didn't mean it like that. It is just so obvious how much your ww is taking advantage of your plan a. I could not handle it as you have if my wh did what your w did this week.

So I have to look out for myself. It is no longer healthy for me to continue on this way. How do you tell them that you need these things for yourself, without making it seem like an ultimatum.

I feel that if he is not willing to work on things now I am ready for the d. I deserve something better than this. Noone deserves this hell no matter how much they love the other person. I already have a lawyers number just in case.

Spider, as far as the begging, it was more a phrase there. I told him I was sorry if I ever gave him the impression that he could not talk to me about anything. And I was prepared to set him free if he needed to or we could work on getting more honest or open with each other if he wanted to stay. He agreed to work on the relationship, than walked out the door and called her. I figured it out from the cell phone logs. That hurts more than I could possibly explain to all you.

I have worked on a letter I think may be better than the first points. Still not sure about it all though. Can you give me your opion.

Dear H,

Despite all my better judgement, I am trying once again to give you a chance. For me to be able to stay in this marriage and be the wife you deserve, I need complete honesty from you. Could you tell me again when was the last time you talked to her? Before you answer think carefully. I cannot take even one more lie and I already have proof. If you answered honestly, I believe we have a chance to make ourselves and our relationship stronger than ever.

Before I move on I feel I have to tell you how all this has made me feel, without screams and accusations. I am more devasted than you can imagine. You are truly my "hero" and my soul mate. I love you with all my heart and sould. The thought of you not wanting our life together breaks my heart. I get physically sick picturing the two of you together. But the emotional betrayal is what hurts the most. I always felt that you and I could tell each other anything. The fact that you felt you needed to talk to someone else, even when I was there bothers me tremendously.

However, I value our relationship enough to try to get past this with you. I know I have not always been the perfect wife. I know that I make mistakes. I would like the chance to prove to you that I can and will work on improving my weaknesses.

When you read my essay on our marriage I think that you got the wrong meaning. Yes I do think that being an officer's wife is a challenge and a sacrifice. And yes I was not completely happy living in the city, far away from my family and friends. What I think you missed in the end was how much I feel the sacrifice was well worth the privilege, the opportunity and the joy of being able to call you my husband. When we are together and happy I would live anywhere and do anything for us.

If you are not happy with your new job I would never want you to stay. We can sell a house. It is not worth our relationship. I will always support any decision you make. Please believe you can talk to me about anything. If you feel that I am pushing you into something you do not want, come to me and tell me. I will pledge right here and now to give you my complete attention and support.

Perhaps a marriage counselor is the best approach for us. Would you be willing to try it out with me? We both could work on our issues and communications problems together.

I am also prepared to let you out of this marriage if you want. I never meant to hurt you and if staying in this marriage causes you pain of any kind, I would rather let you go. I just feel truly in my heart that if we do not either work together on our issues or seperate, we will slowly kill our love for each other. I cherish the memories of the last 12 years too much to allow that to happen.

Love,
W "

Is this better?