About 2 weeks ago I found a free compter program called "Computer Watchdog" onto our home computer. It can be downloaded for free at www.compterwatchdog.com. It is pretty easy to use once you get the hang of it.

I had been suspecting something more was going on with my WW's "study buddy" for some time. She is online instant messaging him almost every night. Sometimes she would close the convo box and pretend like it was an accident. Well, last night I looked over her activity for the last couple weeks and found out my suspicions were founded. Turns out that my WW's new nickname was given to her by her "study budy" not another classmate like she claimed. Also, they repeatedly call each other pet names like hunny, babe, and sexy. Also found out that study buddy has repeatedly asked my wife to come over to his place for "wife's name time". in quotation marks. Asks her all the time. Invites her over a lot. They had made plans for her to come over this weekend. Well, my heart lept into my throat.

I couldn't function. When she asked what was wrong, I eventually confronted her about her conversations with him and what they mean. She was shocked but now couldn't deny that they were more than just friends. Says she'll work on the next 2 weeks giving him the brush off (not talking to him as much...stop the pet names....and stop flirting or using any sexual connotations) After that, if his behavior doesn't change, I want her to have a talk with him about it. She agreed to do it. Up until now she had denied that anything was going on....they were "just friends". Now she can't deny it. I suspect that there is more to "her name time" than she is willing to admit right now. She says that it is just a joke. I don't truly believe her. For now I will continue to monitor all her communications and at the same time try to be pleasant and loving towards her (true plan A). I haven't been doing that really yet. I will give it a go and see how it goes.

Please pray for me and for us....My wife is lost right now....I hope she finds her way home.

SC,

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I know that it is breaking your heart.

This has been going on for a while. I don't understand why she is getting two weeks to break contact. It has to end TODAY. NOW! THIS MINUTE!

And, if it doesn't, I think it's time for YOU to have a talk with the "study buddy."

I hope your wife finds her way back home as well. I will pray for you.

But I think it is time for a huge does of "tough love" on your part.

SCdazed, if they are having a romantic relationship, which they are, they cannot go backwards and become "friends." They are not friends. They have already crossed that line into something much more than "friends."

She needs to end contact entirely before this evolves into something much more. Just be glad that you caught it at this point. Just protect yourself and have her end contact, though.

I would request that she send him a no contact letter along these lines. That is the LEAST she can do if you are willing to stay and work this out. Don't settle for less, SC. THEY ARE NOT FRIENDS.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

Hello,

This seems absolutely ridiculous. You have been married less than 3 years and your wife has a 4 to 5 month sexual affair and not she is engaged in questionable activities with annother study buddy?
You are way too accepting. This study buddy is trying to get her into bed if he already hasn't and she says she will work on not flirting as much with him in the next two weeks? She needs to find another person to study with and initiate no contact NOW. What is the point of being married if she continues to disrespect you in such a manner. She has cheated on you and you have forgiven her and now she continues to lie until being caught by you about inappropriate relationship with this other study guy. Her actions speaks volumes about the way she sees you and your marriage. She acts like a single person.
I wish you luck but you need to protect yourself in all ways.

true...good advice. I don't know how effective NC will be. They have 4 classes together! And she still wants to be friends with him. I don't think confronting this guy is an option either. I have to get her to do her part on her end to end the relationship. She will only resent me for getting involved. It will be another BIG LB for her.

I hate to here this news. I think, though, deep down you knew something was going on. What you need to do now is stop farting around and EXPOSE this A. This is the SECOND one in 6 months. I don't know what this "pet name" is, but I would bet it is sexual in nature. You know it and I know it that they are having a PA. She just will not admit it. What the hell is this "2 week" thing all about? "Give him the brush off" are you kidding me?

Do you want this A to stop? Then you KNOW what you need to do. Go to her parents, EXPOSE her affairs (yes plural, they are a continuous act of betrayal) and stop this A cold in its tracks.

You cannot continue to use kid gloves with your 22 yr old college student wife. She will/is running all over you. You told the story earlier about how this new OM thinks you are a crazy, jealous loon, hell yes. You cannot let your M be decided by these two immature people. Your W cheats on you TWICE and you trust her to end this A?

The OM won't stop, he is too young, he doesn't have a value system developed yet. He will not get it until someday he has a W & family. And, I dare say, your W value system is not developed yet. they are at an age where they live for today, damn the consequences.

Do what you know you need to do NOW, and quit putting yourself through this.

I'm no expert, but...don't most WS resent it when their H or W "gets involved?"

This is YOUR marriage we are talking about. You have a right to protect it.

The consequences of continued contact have to be made very clear to your wife and to the "study buddy."

SC...have you thought about waht you are willing to do to break this up? If your wife simply refuses to play along...what is your next step?

I think you may need to head for some sort of "Plan B" arrangement in the near future.

I agree....I definately see a plan B looming in the horizon. I am so scared and lost. I have given, given, given and she keeps taking, taking, taking. I talked to minister counselor this morning. He said don't follow her but we are planning on bringing into the sessions in two weeks, after I meet with him individually one more time. Hopefully everything will come to light then....or to a head. We'll see. Pray for us, plz!!!

SC, why would you go to plan B when you haven't even effectively done a plan A.

The first part of plan A is to expose the A. The second part is establishing NC. The third part is filling EN's.

You have done part three only, useless unless you do 1 & 2 first. Please complete all of plan A before going to plan B. Even if W does come back, it will be for the wrong reasons and you might have to deal with this down the road again.

Alright....good advice...I'll do that
Thanks

Just tried to have an instant message convo with my wife. She said hey and then hold on for like half an hour. When shs said she was back, I asked her what she had been doing and her response was: " i dont need to tell you. I am sure you'll find out" Then I had to step away from my desk and when I got back, she had signed off. She is obviously angry at my spying but she will have to deal. I told her that she proved that she could not be trusted with messaging and I feel I have every right to monitor her activity. It is obvious that she was talking to study buddy again, after she had just spent 2 hours in lab with him. Grrrrrr..... I am so angry right now. It is really hard to stick to plan A and not LB when I feel so slighted and treated like this.

Let me know how this turns out. From what you said before W is scared to death of P's finding out. It may get ugly, but, if it is like my sitch, your W will be so humbled she won't tonguelash you, immediately. Just be prepared that it is going to seem like she hates you for awhile. She will say all sorts of awful things in an attempt to hurt you, draw you into a fight, etc. Just remember, she is hurting, is not herself and doesn't mean any of it. All this will fade as she begins to look inward.

Let me know how this turns out. From what you said before W is scared to death of P's finding out. It may get ugly, but, if it is like my sitch, your W will be so humbled she won't tonguelash you, immediately. Just be prepared that it is going to seem like she hates you for awhile. She will say all sorts of awful things in an attempt to hurt you, draw you into a fight, etc. Just remember, she is hurting, is not herself and doesn't mean any of it. All this will fade as she begins to look inward.

What do you think about exposing this to her classmates as well?

that would alienate her from all her friends at school... I'm not sure I want to hurt her that much. But, in the long run...I'm sure it would help in some ways. They could help her be true to herself.

I am almost to the point of enlisting the help of her parents. I know that she will be enraged though and will find it very hard to trust me...just as much as I am finding to trust her. Should I warn her before I do it? Or just do it?

Honestly, they are college students. They wouldn't care and would probably think it's cool. The guys would anyway, the girls would just call her names and all involved would not have much sympathy or respect for SC. You are dealing with undeveloped minds here. You do know how stupid and irresponsible people that age can be?

My experience in this matter, I live in a college town and have to deal with dumb*sses all the time. Can't believe I ever acted like some of these people do.

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Bear04 ]</small>

Yes I do....and my wife is one of them, unfortunately. She refuses to recognize real threats to our marriage. She has an away message up right now and refuses to talk to me. I just told her that I loved her and that I hoped that I would talk to her sometime today.

SC, just do it. If you warn her, she will preempt you. Also, I can't believe you have even a shred of trust left. You and I sure are different. It has been tow months since Dday for me and I still don't trust my W all that much. Trust has to be earned, your WW has not only not earned any, she's trampled all over it.

BTW, you have done nothing to betray her trust. What, does she trust you to keep such a devastating secret from her P's? To be a participant in the destruction of your M? Think about the "trust" she has in you. Like I said, she is going to p*ssed to start with, but she will ge tover it.

Another thing, calling and telling her ILY and smothering her doesn't help.

Here is a link that might help. I never though of it this way until I read this. I put this into practice and saw a change within two days. Read the "12 things".

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=033911

It's kind of Pavlovian. ILY for betraying me? Doesn't make much sense.

Yes, she does trust me to not tell her parents. On D-day and after she has asked me to not tell them and I agreed that I would not (unless of course, she leaves me....then all bets and promises are off....they will not be led to believe that the failure of our marriage was all my fault)