she would most definately bolt and claim that she could never trust me again if I reveal her actions to her parents. I am sure of it. I don't want her to leave yet until I have completed a true and real plan A.

SC...

Telling her parents appears to be all the leverage that you have left.

You are going to HAVE to tell them.

Hello,

Reading your messages are so sad. She continues to lie and betray you and your response is to tell her that you love her? What kind of message is that? It sounds like as long as she does not leave you she feels it is acceptable to lie and betray and humiliate you without consequences. "No consequences to her actions equals no motivations to change". Contact her parents NOW. The more you smother her the more disrespect she will have for you. It is like she is punching you in the face and rather than defend yourself you allow her to continue hitting you and you saying you love her. It is no surprise that she has no respect for you. Nobody respects a doormat. I wish you luck.

I have given you my 2 cents. I don't see how you are going to end the A without taking the necessary steps. Your M is not going to get better, you will not recover while this is going on. 2 A's and you "trust" her to end this one, man I don't know what to say. It is time for you to stand up to her.

Yeah, but that leverage will probably be the nail in the coffin to our marriage. How will I ever get her to trust me again if I go back on this promise?

Did she promise to not betray you again?

She has got you so trampled that IMO your self esteem is in the toilet. It's OK, so was mine and so was every other BS on or around Dday. We are all here to help and be that view on the outside giving you sound advice.

I don't know you, yet I still care. Is what I have said to day about exposure consistant with the principals of MB? Yes. 1000's of recovered M's can't be wrong.

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Bear04 ]</small>

Got to go, I'll check back this afternoon.

Yes, in fact. She did promise to not betray me anymore. I'm not sure she has been physical with this guy. Perhaps she doesn't feel she is betraying me if she is not physical. She does, however, admit that their relationship has crossed the line of appropriateness. She promises that she will fix that.

You're right, I am a doormat. My self esteem is in the toilet right now. Please pray for God to give me strength to do what I need to do. Thanks everyone.. You have been a great support group today.

I don't think you are surprised to find out about the inappropriate e-mails. Sounds like she is very addicted to attention ( I think you mentioned elsewhere she has low self-esteem).

I agree not to let her class mates know about the situation. Do you think her parents might help her in the choice she has to make? Do they like you and support you? Can they help you?

You don't have to tell her parents right away. Give her the option, either she tells them within a period of time or you tell them. They will, after all, have to understand why your marriage is in difficulty (can't hide everything throughout the holiday season, can you?). If she doesn't tell them, that's her choice. Your hand was forced, she was given fair warning, and she will trust that you will abide by your words, present and future. She will also learn that there are consequences to her actions. She may badly need to understand that.

Personally, I think others close to you knowing about the affair and current inproprieties is helpful. You both can get help and support from an extended network. If no one knows, she can continue to deny the actions and their effects on both of you.

Hi SC...

I read your recent story. She has to establish NC right away, not tomorrow, next week, next month. If that means dropping out of this semester's/quarter's classes then so be it.

If she refuses then I say plan B is in order. You have to protect yourself from the pain she is causing you. My thinking is that she isn't taking her marriage seriously and maybe plan B will shock her into reality.

I agree with Chackler, SC.

From what you've described, your relationship has hit crunch time.

If she refuses total NC with the guy...then it's time for Plan B.

And by the way..she can still go to class and have no contact with him. Get there before he does and leave before he does. DON'T talk to him. It's that simple.

She would have to drop out.

It would show commitment to the marriage.

If she still goes to class, even if she ignored OM (which I highly doubt she could do) she will have visual contact with him. It doesn't sound do-able.

Now, dropping the class may mess up her plans and transcripts but such is life.

Don't warn first, it gives them time to come up with excuses "He's just been crazy lately, making up all kinds of crazy stories about me, if he says anything about me, it's probably just one of his stories."

Here is something you can use to explain to her about trust. Until she comes clean, and does NC, you shouldn't trust her. She ought to know you WON'T, until she earns your trust back.

Takola on trust


Here is something else about plan A that may help.
Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

This is going to be tough, but then, you already know that.

SS