How can you rebuild trust and honesty in a relationship when people continue to lie and lie some more. How can you believe anything that comes out of their mouths?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Saturn5352:
How can you rebuild trust and honesty in a relationship when people continue to lie and lie some more. How can you believe anything that comes out of their mouths? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't, not until he/she choses out [of love for you] to embrace the concept mutual accountability by becoming an open book to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Saturn5352:
<strong> How can you rebuild trust and honesty in a relationship when people continue to lie and lie some more. How can you believe anything that comes out of their mouths? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cannot and you should not trust anyone who behaves dishonestly, not even your S.

A's must run their course, you cannot rush this process, you cannot force a WS to become a FWS, you cannot snoop your way into a happy trusting M, your S must truly recommitt not only in words but actions.

2MuchCoffee summed it up:
Their life must become an open book, this openness will support trust being rebuilt in your R, openness, time and new instances of disclosure where the FWS is willing to sacrfice Privacy, Pride and OP to save their M....

Until the WS is ready to give up this pride, privacy and abandon the OP we have no M only some type of self induced BS fog that we BS's create because we are too scared, hurt, injured or scorned to admit the truth.


Don't fool yourselves, a WS knows what they need to do to earn your trust the ONLY reasons they are not doing it is because they still have something to hide. Period.

I know I'm cut and dry but I'm also well meaning and honest. Sorry for the horse-pills they are a bit hard to swallow, believe me I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, that will never happen, because I allowed him to read your responses and of course he denied having anything to hide and that he didn't agree with what you said. I am just sick and tired of trying to get him to tell the truth that I am nausated. Like I told him the only time that I can believe him is when he is asleep, because his every waking moment is lie waiting to be told.

oops, dbl post

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: marriage isn't forever ]</small>

Don't do what I did
read all about it here.

I tried to give my WW some trust to show good faith on my part and she took the ball and ran with it. Now I have drawn the line in the sand and she needs to demonstrate that she is an open book to me. If not I am done.

Misn'tF

MISF,
I am truly sorry for all that you are going through. I understand what you are going through with all of the dishonesty. I just wonder what goes through the WS spouse's mind when the tell lie after lie just so that they are happy. Do they not see the problems that their lies are causing, when it doesn't have to be that way. Don't they understand that in order to tell one lie, you have to tell twenty more. Life is complicated enough without trying remember all these lies. How's your situation going?

Saturn5253,

Coach had a great post on this subject and I quote

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4. While she is saying all the right things, that she wants to save the marriage and work on the marriage and make the marriage better and stronger, yada, yada, yada, my cynicism always causes me to be just a bit skeptical with these kinds of assertions from the cheating party. To me, for now and always, it will never again be a matter of what a person says or promises that counts. To me it’s what a person does that counts. I’ve become a “show me” kind of guy. Talk is cheap. And while we’re on the topic, when my WW asked how I wanted her to “show me” my response was that she would just have to figure that out on her own! Just like she figured out how to lie and cheat!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You can say that again. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever thing that a lie was nothing for someone to tell and tell again. Like I told my WH if you're awake that means you're lying. It is sad that anytime he opens his mouth I have to second guess everything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Saturn5352:
<strong> How can you rebuild trust and honesty in a relationship when people continue to lie and lie some more. How can you believe anything that comes out of their mouths? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't believe a liar, that would be crazy. Only an insane person would trust an untrustworthy person.

The sad thing is that even if the WS told the truth, the BS wouldn't believe it after so many lies.

My WH was a very honest person before the A. Since then he has lied about so many things that I would not trust him, even if he finally told the truth. He has lost my trust, and it is completely gone.

But isn't the whole point of rebuilding the relationship to trust in your partner again? If you can not trust your WS then what is the point of being with that person? You can't have a good marriage without trust or can you?

No...you can't have a good marriage without trust. I really don't have any advice about saving your marriage.....mine is unsavable but I do think that trust is the most important thing in a marriage...without it you have nothing.
You WS has to want you to trust them again and prove that for you to be able to begin to trust.

My WH was always very honest and since his A has become the biggest liar I know. He lies about everything to everyone. He has to live with that! I on the other hand can walk tall knowing I am a honest and trustworthy person.

Hi TR,

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but in my situation, I am crazy enough to believe that my marriage is salvagable. As expected he claims that he will change and even signed up for counseling. But at this point in our relationship, I do not feel that I am willing or able to put myself back out on front street, just to hear him lie again. Originally, he cheated prior to us getting married with his ex-wife and I am not making excuses for him, according to his ex-wife she only slept with him to try and get him back and that she would do anything in her power to break us up and make his life miserable. As I told him once I found out, was he allowed her to inflatrate our relationship and he would have to fix the problem. But then to compound that mess, every time I turn around some other ex-girlfriend is calling him and he feels that there is no need to tell me about their conversations, because according to him, they're just friends.

Saturn..
I'm also sorry to hear about your situation. That's a good sign that he wants to save the marriage and is willing to go to counseling. I wish you the best of luck!

My STBX on the other hand refused to go to counseling and has been extremely cruel to me. I found out that there were more than just one affair. I had talked to the OW and she was also very cruel and said some things that really hurt me and my STBX allowed her to say these things to me. I decided after that conversation that this is not the man that I want in my life. I tried my best to save my marriage. I am sad that my 14 year marriage will be ending but am also looking forward to the future.

Saturn..
I'm also sorry to hear about your situation. That's a good sign that he wants to save the marriage and is willing to go to counseling. I wish you the best of luck!

My STBX on the other hand refused to go to counseling and has been extremely cruel to me. I found out that there were more than just one affair. I had talked to the OW and she was also very cruel and said some things that really hurt me and my STBX allowed her to say these things to me. I decided after that conversation that this is not the man that I want in my life. I tried my best to save my marriage. I am sad that my 14 year marriage will be ending but am also looking forward to the future.

Wow, that truly had to be hard. My WH is now at least acknowledging my feelings and not taking her side. Yes, damage has been done, but I am still cautious not to put much into it because they use to use their daughter as an excuse to see each other. I felt so dumb once I discovered that they had slept together after we were married and that's when the lies first started. She has even told the judge when they went to court that she was going to do eveything humanly possible to break us up. The sad part is she is a liar and he is a liar and I am stuck in the middle trying to figure out who is the biggest of liars between them. But when I found out that he was still talking to other women that he had slept with prior to our marriage and concealing it from me that made matters even worse. I guess the redeeming quality I should take hold to is the fact that he is going to counseling and for right now I like his Counselor. His counselor even gives him homework that he has to complete prior to their next meeting. Oh, I almost forgot that his lying has caught up with him with his job, where he has worked for 17 years.