I have worked on a letter I think may be better than the first points. Still not sure about it all though. Can you give me your opion.

Dear H,

Despite all my better judgement, I am trying once again to give you a chance. For me to be able to stay in this marriage and be the wife you deserve, I need complete honesty from you. Could you tell me again when was the last time you talked to her? Before you answer think carefully. I cannot take even one more lie and I already have proof. If you answered honestly, I believe we have a chance to make ourselves and our relationship stronger than ever.

Before I move on I feel I have to tell you how all this has made me feel, without screams and accusations. I am more devasted than you can imagine. You are truly my "hero" and my soul mate. I love you with all my heart and sould. The thought of you not wanting our life together breaks my heart. I get physically sick picturing the two of you together. But the emotional betrayal is what hurts the most. I always felt that you and I could tell each other anything. The fact that you felt you needed to talk to someone else, even when I was there bothers me tremendously.

However, I value our relationship enough to try to get past this with you. I know I have not always been the perfect wife. I know that I make mistakes. I would like the chance to prove to you that I can and will work on improving my weaknesses.

When you read my essay on our marriage I think that you got the wrong meaning. Yes I do think that being an officer's wife is a challenge and a sacrifice. And yes I was not completely happy living in the city, far away from my family and friends. What I think you missed in the end was how much I feel the sacrifice was well worth the privilege, the opportunity and the joy of being able to call you my husband. When we are together and happy I would live anywhere and do anything for us.

If you are not happy with your new job I would never want you to stay. We can sell a house. It is not worth our relationship. I will always support any decision you make. Please believe you can talk to me about anything. If you feel that I am pushing you into something you do not want, come to me and tell me. I will pledge right here and now to give you my complete attention and support.

Perhaps a marriage counselor is the best approach for us. Would you be willing to try it out with me? We both could work on our issues and communications problems together.

I am also prepared to let you out of this marriage if things cannot change. I never meant to hurt you and if staying in this marriage causes you or I pain of any kind, I would rather let you go. I just feel truly in my heart that if we do not either work together on our issues or seperate, we will slowly kill our love for each other. I cherish the memories of the last 12 years too much to allow that to happen.

Love,
W "

Is this better?

This particular paragraph could use some tweaking. Please don't start your letter with that first phrase:

Despite all my better judgement,[this sounds like he's a lost cause] I am trying once again to give you a chance.[this sounds like you are the "ever suffering" spouse...not the impression you want to give.] For me to be able to stay in this marriage and be the wife you deserve, I need complete honesty from you. [Way better beginning, not judemental and all about you.] Could you tell me again when was the last time you talked to her? Before you answer think carefully. I cannot take even one more lie and I already have proof. If you answered honestly, I believe we have a chance to make ourselves and our relationship stronger than ever.

Try starting with the third sentence.

Despite all my better judgement, I am trying once again to give you a chance. way too negative...i would already feel defensive.....
For me to be able to stay in this marriage and be the wife you deserve, I need complete honesty from you. What I desire is a marraige built on honesty from both of us. One in which each of us always feels safe to share the truth of our actions and feelings.

Could you tell me again when was the last time you talked to her? Before you answer think carefully. I cannot take even one more lie and I already have proof. again you are just backing him right in to a corner.....he's dead in the water with either answer..
If you answered honestly, I believe we have a chance to make ourselves and our relationship stronger than ever.

Before I move on I feel I have to tell you how all this has made me feel, without screams and accusations. I am more devasted than you can imagine. boy how can he ever fix that ???

You are truly my "hero" and my soul mate. I love you with all my heart and sould. The thought of you not wanting our life together breaks my heart. I get physically sick picturing the two of you together. bad line...again he will feel backed in to a corner...how can he fix that...?
But the emotional betrayal is what hurts the most. I always felt that you and I could tell each other anything. The fact that you felt you needed to talk to someone else, even when I was there bothers me tremendously. does it bother you or does it hurt you....

However, I value our relationship do you value the relationship or do you value him the man enough to see the good in him ? enough to try to get past this with you. I know I have not always been the perfect wife. I know that I make mistakes. I would like the chance to prove to you that I can and will work on improving my weaknesses.

When you read my essay on our marriage I think that you got the wrong meaning. Yes I do think that being an officer's wife is a challenge and a sacrifice. And yes I was not completely happy living in the city, far away from my family and friends. What I think you missed in the end was how much I feel the sacrifice was well worth the privilege, the opportunity and the joy of being able to call you my husband. When we are together and happy I would live anywhere and do anything for us.

If you are not happy with your new job I would never want you to stay. We can sell a house. It is not worth our relationship. I will always support any decision you make. Please believe you can talk to me about anything. If you feel that I am pushing you into something you do not want, come to me and tell me. I will pledge right here and now to give you my complete attention and support.

Perhaps a marriage counselor is the best approach for us. Would you be willing to try it out with me? We both could work on our issues and communications problems together.

I am also prepared to let you out of this marriage if things cannot change. I never meant to hurt you and if staying in this marriage causes you or I pain of any kind, all marrages can and do cause some pain some times...don't make unrealistic statements.... I would rather let you go. I just feel truly in my heart that if we do not either work together on our issues or seperate, we will slowly kill our love for each other. I cherish the memories of the last 12 years too much to allow that to happen.

It's a very defensive letter
there's not much hope...

ps you did ask...
ARK

Just an update. My wh and I had a long talk on Friday. I did give him a modified version of the letter. It seems like he finally gets the problems he has caused. He was saying for a while that he felt that he was not doing anything wrong since he told her he was married and they had no physical contact. After talking everything out, he says that he realizes how much of a mistake that he made ( I think the voicemail from the ow scared him and made him realize she was not playing the same game as him as well). He swears to nc. He has agreed to a marriage counselor and is not being defensive when I question him any longer. He says he understands why I cannot trust him right now. We have also agreed to a new rule that if he does not feel that he can tell me about something than it is wrong and he should not do it. He says that is a good rule for him to live by. The weekend was really good and we talked more than we have in the last 2 months.

Today, with him gone for the week again, I had a setback. I started thinking this could be worse. I could start believing things are better and we could work things out and if he calls her again, it would be twice as devastating. I was able to call him and let him know what I was thinking and he was actually supportive (before he would be defensive) and swears he realizes how wrong he was and what he risked (me, and our life) and will never make the mistake again.

I think he felt that I would just always be there for him. I encouraged that attitude because he is my husband and I wanted him to know I totally supported him. I think now he realizes that even though I will always be there if he loses a job, gains weight, moves states, etc.. there is a limit to my love.

My concern is that he shows no signs of withdrawal. He claims he is relieved it is over. Should I question that?