Things seem to be going well and then I am de-railed by something that triggers serious doubts about our recovery.

A song, an event, a character in a book, as off-hand comment that yanks me back to my knees, wondering if I am a fool to trust my H again. Thinking about how stupid I must have been to have not figured out he was having an affair.

The biggest problem is how I react - usually negatively towards my H, who has been, quite wonderful since he finally came clean in June. I knew about the affair in May, but the dirty, dirty detail didn't come out until June when she called the house and we had a speaker phone call with my H).

I act badly. Mostly disrespectful judgements - and angry words. My H just takes it - says he knows he had to be patient and that I will have doubts for a long time, etc.

I hate myself after I react this way, but it is so incredibly hard to hold it in - to not be unreasonable and irrational.

What do I do to stop letting these things control me and let go of the past?

ddc

what I'm going to say may or may not be of help, but here goes.....

I had my latest trigger a few days ago. Out of the blue. My dday was over 5 years ago, and my H was what many BS's wish for (if you have to experience this type of hell). He was remorseful, ashamed, more than willing to change jobs and NC (the A actually had ended for over a year before I found out). He went to counselling with me, arranged appointments, too. This from a man who HATES to talk about feelings.

So, I dont know when the triggers stop. For me, I am blessed/cursed with an amazing memory. I can go back in my mind and say, "while H was doing that, I was doing this, blissfully unaware". That makes the triggers harder to overcome.

Over the recovery time, I remember well how I would get triggered and get so angry. I'd curse him out, throw things, scream, berate. You are still so early on in the recovery phase that what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. For me, I worried that I may push him over the edge-emotionally speaking. He was already so guilt-ridden over what he had done to me, that I worried the berrating may be counterproductive. Even my mom had to step in and tell me to go easy on hm (this coming from a woman who herself was so angry at what he had done). She could see what I could not back then- how H was in pain over my pain, and did not need to OD on it.

Trust me when I say that the triggers do lessen, they become less painful, less intense. When they happen now, I get a little sad. I really never get angry anymore.

I hope this helps?

albw

Thank you albw,

It helps to know that the insanity is normal. I am somewhat alone in that I chose to tell almost no one about this. My family would NOT understand. Since I decided to stay and work through it together, it would have only hurt me if I shared with those closest to me.

My H has been very good too - initially he said he wouldn't leave his job (the day after discovery) but since he has said he would if I wanted and has done many other reassuring things.

It just occurred to me yesterday that this might not have been his only affair - why this is dawning on me now, amazes me.

I hate all of this and find myself very overwhelmed at times, but I must say that things are much better overall.

I may start posting in the recovery section. I found MB a year before I discovered the A and posted in the EN section, so I feel like a stranger on the boards (not that I was ever an active participant like many folks - I think - I mainly read and think).

Thanks again for your kind reply ~

ddc

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: ddc03 ]</small>

DDC03,

My Dday was 05/31/04, very memorial.

I was doing the laundry tonight and reached down to move W"s panties from the washer to the dryer. I instictively thought "I wonder if OM has seen this pair?". I used to GO NUTS when I would trigger on this and my mind would EXPLODE with scenes and movies.

Tonight I sadly smiled to myself and thought "How long is that thought/movie going to automatically play in my head"? That was all. We are in recovery and things are going good and...

..I also take an antidepresent,...which stops the tears and deep sadness. Helps you cope with the day to day things. And if you do notice a trigger, it slides off.

What do I do to stop letting these things control me and let go of the past?

My Dear, this is not the past you want to let go of..IT IS THE PRESENT!!

It has only been 4 months. You still have an open, gaping wound in your chest from which your heart was torn. You must heal. It takes time.

Read "His Needs, Her Needs". Read here at the MB board. There are many smart, experienced people rooting for you and wishing you well with good advice and encouragement.

Read Harley's stuff, it's good stuff.

k