Hi everyone,
Well, i feel like I have already asked this question in a different way, but, i really need some advice. Insecurity is really rearing it's ugly head and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it. I am really trying to stop thinking about o.w., but despite prayer, distraction, and anything else I can think of including yelling at myself, her "personage" resides in my mind regularly. I think it has something to do with the 2nd anniversary of the start of their a is approaching. While he seems to be doing just fine (loving,happy,humorous,etc.), I am emotionally disintegrating, and it is affecting my mood and my affection toward him. Should I be honest with him and tell him how I am feeling even though I know it will affect him emotionally? He is really trying to forget about her completely, and admits that she only passes through his mind periodically and there is no affection associated with the thoughts. We are not spending 15 hours a week together as my work schedule is opposite to his (he works 9-5, m-f, and I work weekends and evenings). I can't quit my job, and it will change to days come Jan., but, in the meantime, I don't want any setbacks. I don't want to nag at him, and when we do have time togather alone, I get cowardly, not wanting to bring up the issue, as he feels when I do, I am dredging up the past. He just wants to move on, but I can't. Any suggestions?

When I had those bad days, I told my H "I'm having a bad day. Can you please give me extra hugs?"

If you think it's going to be more than a day or two, tell him it's a rough week.

Explain to him that y'all's current lack of time together, coupled with the time of year, make this an insecure time for you. That will probably get the message across without bringing up OW, so he won't feel like you're dredging up the past or rubbing his face in it.

Hi revelation,

I am not in recovery but I do think you should be honest with you FWH about your feelings.Don't let this pass with him maybe getting the wrong signals or impressions.Like TH said,tell him you are having a hard time and just need some support.If he asks why,then say what is on your mind.Don't fall into the trap of keeping secrets,emotional or otherwise.It's only been a couple of months recovery and it would be very unrealistic of your FWH(and typical as a WS) to think that you would not be thinking about certain aspects of the A still,and the OP is a biggie.

Also,if I were you,I would reiterate how much you are looking forward to spending more time together after your new schedule starts in January.Let him know that,along with it being a whole new year of possibilities,that you are encouraged to have this much needed time with him.

Good luck!

O

Ack! Busy now..but will come back later.

Noodle

Thanks T.H. and O.G.

I decided this weekend to try the subtle approach first to see if he caught on. Unfortunately - not much response. He thought I was talking about work being stressful. I filled him in a little by telling him that I was a little worried about the lack of time we were spending together, and felt that our communication skills were waning. He said" You're not going to bring up our "situation" again are you?" "We have talked that one to death." I told him I was feeling rather insecure still. He told me that he promised me that he wasn't going anywhere, and that is still the case, but I am going to have to deal with my insecurities some other way. He does NOT want to talk about the a. or the consequences of it. This is the first time I have brought it up since September, when the ow e-mailed me, yet he said that if I "continually" bring up the a, he will never heal, and we can never move on. He reminded me that because I didn't "like" him before the a, he was vulnerable and succumbed to the temptation to "participate". Does that sound like "passing the buck" or what! I think he wants to frighten me into not talking about my feelings. Perhaps he feels that if he verbally injures me like that, I wont bring up the a again. This feels like major regression to me. In my opinion, HE wants to be in control, HE wants to determine what we discuss, and HE wants to decide what E.N.s he is going to fill according to what is comfortable for HIM. Very self-centered in my opinion. Agree?

Rev, I do EXACTLY what TH does.

" Its hard today baby, can I have an extra hug or two ?"

And she has yet to refuse, always hugging me in a lovely way like her life depended on it strking my hair and kissing my neck.

First time I trie dasking Squid replied :

" I am surprised you want me to hug you when I hurt you".

I said " the only one to dry my eyes is the one who made me cry".

We sobbed and hugged and she felt 'needed' and I think emotionally valid since then.

Bob
Sounds like your fww has accepted responsibility for her actions. She hugs you like her life depended on it. Would you feel the same if she hugged you, patted you on the back and said"You'll get through this somehow"?
Rev

{{{{rev}}}}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />