This should probably be on the divorcing forum but I feel like I know more people here and I guess it's a kind of update.

nothing much has changed in my life the past few weeks... my marriage is still over yet I don't know the details of where the DV process is going... i'm not happy... that I'm certain of...

H finally returned my call tonight. Says he's been really busy... He has to ref a HS tournament tomorrow... Kinda brings me down because I know the girl will be there (not that anything is going on now)... I'm sure he still has feelings though... Just remembering how I was supposed to help with a HS tourny back in the beginning of May but he convinced me not to... Only after did I find out the reason he didn't want me there...

I'm just so lonely it's killing me. Up until I confronted him about the girl he used to call me multiple times a day just to say hi and that he loved me. Going out with friends has already lost it's appeal.

I don't understand why it still hurts me so much. I don't really want to be with him anymore but I'm miserable without him. I can't even stand him anymore so I don't know what I want.

I wrote him a letter the other day. He told me he didn't think he should respond to it. He's tired of explaining to me that he's made up his mind and he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. The truth is I don't want that either now. I just miss what we used to have.

I'm just so screwed up because of this. I don't even know if I believe in love anymore. I don't even remember what it feels like.

I cry now but it's not really over him anymore. It feels like what I lost in this will never return.

You know, I've never broken up with anyone I was in a relationship with. I've always been the one who was dumpped. I thought when I got married I didn't have to fear that. I can't see anyone wanting to stay with me. I'm just too hard to be around I guess. I drive everyone away. I'm just so disappointed in myself to have let this all happen.

I'm sorry.. this is a self pity post. I'm just so unhappy. I know I should be happy, most things are good but my stregth is wavering. Will anyone ever love me enough to stick around?

Anyway, STBXH tells me I can stop by on Sunday or Tuesday to pick up more of my things. That's about it.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 03:25 AM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

Its okay to feel self pity once in awhile.

You are a good person and you will find another when the time comes.

Hugs to you.

sweetie i feel your pain. i think i pushed my h away because i thought because we were married i could act anyway i wanted, and he would never leave me because he said so. totally blew me away when he actually did leave.i miss what wh and i used to have too although we are trying slowly to get that back. dont worry bout the pity post. im sure you'll start feeling better tomorrow. dont have any real advice for you, just wanted you to know someone is listening(or reading) and cares.take care.

IvoryIvy

You're lonely, hon. When you lean so hard on another person for so long, the hole they leave when they go is very large and takes a while to close up or be refilled. Its liek losing a prt of yourself, regardless of what you feel for them. Its almost a physical loss.

You need to work deliberately on taking back the permission you gave your H to control your happiness and well being. When you are independent and strong you will be less needful of others and this may change the dynamic you have seen repeated in some of your relationships so far.

In any case taking responsibility for your own state of mind is a very important life skills that I am still working on, but progressing well in.

You WILL be happy again II, and that time will come faster if you work on it.

All blessings, and know that while cannot change the wind you CAN trim your sails ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />