I went to England to visit family last week. I had a lovely break and came back full of enthusiasm. Havent really seen that much of my husband. weve been grocery shopping a few times and had a few chats but basically ive been with the kids and hes been online and reading in the bedroom. Ive got on with clearing up the mess i came home to (not as bad as it could ahve been!) and getting on with Christmas preparations.

This morning he got up and went straight online so I went out to teh family room and got on my own PC and talked and played with the children, who were already up. After an hour or so I came beck to the bedroom. He looked so cute and I asked him to give me a hug. He refused. I was hurt and went to take a long bath rather than make an issue of it. When i came back I told him that i felt very hurt. he replied "Why? because you want me to do things I dont weant to do?". I explained that we really need to make an effort to meet each others needs to which he replied "Why? Because you say so?". he was so nasty to me. I told him that I am naturally affectionate and that hugging is a part of me. Then he refered back to my A and threw a few hurtful comments adding that I can apologise as much as I like and it doesnt make any difference. I answered that he was never going to forgive me and he said he didnt know.

In january he has to make a decision. By that time we will have been back together for over a year. He refered to this and said that he has to make a decision in january "because you say so". I replied that it was because there is simply too much pain at the moemnt and that both of us need to knwo where our lives are going.

I think that in some sadistic way he enjoys witholding affection from me, and tries to prevent me giving affection to him. I hurt so much right now. Sometimes I wonder why I came back. There was so much peace in my life when I was living with my parents. It seems I came back simply to open myself to his painful remarks and comments.

Am I wrong to be forcng his decision in January. At the moemnt we are living together as a family. I think family integrity is important but each and every day he reminds me of my mistakes and will make no effort to recover our marriage. I feel like Im giving 150% all the time. He makes me feel ugly. I know what I did was wrong but I cannot undo that. I can only change today andf tomorrow. At the moemnt I feel like he is never ever going to let go because it gives him some kind of control and leverage over me.

Someone help me. I hurt.

Hi Debbra !

Sorry you are in such a sad and unresolved place right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It seems to me that there are SO many unusual influences in your lifes that perhaps an empowered arbitrator is needed to help you.

Do you have a good MC ?

Regarding your deadline of January, thats really a deadline on YOU not your H. You can't make him do anything.

You can choose to live in a different , less dependent manner after January. That may not be a bad thing even if he stays.

So much pain and regret spills out of your posts Debbra I pray you get peace.

All blessings !

Thanks for replying Bob. Sorry we have no MC
there are none available in Gibraltar except amateurs. We were seeing the clynical psychologist in summer, but she only works 8:30 til 3...My husband is a teacher so we havent a hope of carrying on with that....Maybe we can see her again over the Christmas holidays.

My husband agreed to the January deadline for him making a decision when I first moved back. Now hes saying its my deadline but it was agreed to by both of us long ago. Living in limbo cannot go on. In january he either commits to do the MB programme or moves out. I dont think the way we are living at the moment is any example to our children nor does it make either of us happy. personally I have been working hard on my relationship with God and have a certain peace. It is him that disturbs the peace and tranquility. I do love my husband...at least I love the man he used to be. I really feel for FIM because like her I really dont find him that often these days......

Strangely I wonder where he is right now. he was saying the otehr day how the kids rule the house. Maybe he lives in a different house because i simply dont see that. I have a great relationship with the children. The older ones are pretty wild but they know the house boundaries and normally stick to them.....

I guess i feel sorry for him in many ways. hes in a sad place where he has lost his relationship with God, lost touch with most of the kids and can see no way forward.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I dont think Ive ever been as close to teh children as I am now and feel that most aspects of my life are going reasonably well..... Maybe he resents that....sigh....

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 06:41 AM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>

It sounds like your husband is very, very hurt and is dwelling in his pain, and not moving on. I wish he would read or post here.

By saying the kids rule the house, I think he may feel that he doesn't have a place in the family. Will he spend time alone with you doing something he likes?

Believer...my husband sometimes says he is going to post here. he believes I have him set up as "the bad person". Nothing could be further from the truth in my mind. he is hurt and upset but never bad. he seems ruled by the fear of failure. he has said many times that he wont try on our marriage because what if the same happens 5 years down the line? The same goes for overcoming the homosexual temptations he faces. All ways out he has found online involve being in a group therapy situation and as this is not available here he wont even try.

This kind of perfectionism held me back for many years as far as our home went. I lacked confidence in my self and wouldnt even try. Ive learned since (thanks to flylady!) that "housework done imperfectly still blesses your family". Now I know that it is OK to be less than a 100% person. That trying is better than not trying and that doing anything I can on any given day is enough.

I once read that you are never really a failure til you have given up. My husband has given up before he has started. Labelling himself a failure and living with it has perhaps been the easy way out for him. he revels in this self-description because it means that he no longer has to try. I dont want him ot be perfect..I just want him ot try...if not for me then for our children. he compartmentalises and says it has nothing to do with them...that it is about us....no comment! Of course he can always make comments about my behaviour in the past to justify himself now.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Believer, we do do things together. On Mondays we go sequence dancing and we go out together on Thursday evenings (usually!) for a date. As friends we get along great. He is comfortable with this but afraid to go further. he has now got to teh stage where he says he doesnt want to go further! When I asked him for that hug this morning it occured to me that anyone would give a hug to a friend who needed one and was hurting but he wont even do this for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Today I emailed him and told him why I think that January deadline is a good idea...that we both need to move on, together or apart. I also explained teh pain that the children are going through and a need for a conclusion to teh situation for their stability. I told him why, if he leaves, that I cannot continue "being friends". I asked him to pray about his decision but left whether or not he does that in his hands. I also apologised again for my past behaviour.

I feel sometimes liek he is waiting for me to make the decision..... i think he is feeling teh pressure of this January deadline. I just dont feel like I should go on being treated and spoken to like dirt and having the children upset so much when he his temper is let lose. I thinkthay have a right to be brought up in ahome where parents cherish and love one another....