I fell in love with another woman. Nothing physical happened and I have had no contact for 6 weeks. However, I am still obsessed with thoughts and feelings for her which bring on an overwhelming state of saddness. How can I stop the thoughts and feelings?

I haven't had to go through that. But I think if you look at the obsession as an addiction, then you know that an addiction is a habit.<P>I think that maybe if you continue no contact, and let time go on - and try some kind of "mind over matter" game - you can get good at stopping the obsession.<P>Kinda like a smoking habit? Have to decide that it is #1 Bad for you, and then have a plan of action for what to do when the urge comes? <P>I think you have already started overcoming this, by saying you want to.<P>

Mindfulness,<P>Sorry to tell you, but there is no magic trick to forgetting your OW. It just takes time. You will continue to feel the pain, perhaps for a long long time.<P>I'm the same as you. I fell in love with another woman. I still haven't forgotten her and it's been almost three months of no contact.<P>The only thing I can tell you is that it takes time. And strength. I wake up every day wanting to contact her. But I don't. And slowly my marriage is on the mend.<P>Keep posting here. You've come to a good place.<P>--andy

God, I know how you feel. Unfortunately I haven't been strong enough to stop calling the OM. The last time I spoke to him was Friday and every time I speak to him I swear to myself I will never call again. But, I keep calling because there's always something that I need to say.<P>Last night I even went to the extent of meditating...hoping to clear all thoughts of the OM forever! I even thought how great it would be to be hypnotized to never think about him again.<P>I don't know why I continue to think about the OM...at this point I don't even think I care about him anymore. I think it has become such a habit to think about him that I can't stop. It's really starting to drive me crazy...it's difficult to concentrate on anything!<P>I wish I had the miracle cure. I'd like to say concentrate on other things, engage in activities you enjoy...but that hasn't worked for me. I can enjoy what I'm doing, but there will always be a fleeting thought in the back of my head of the OM.<P>Even if the thoughts are still there, hopefully the sadness of them will diminish over time.<P>Here's something I just found on the internet about obsessive thoughts: <BR> The truth is that we can be in charge of our thoughts and our imagination<BR> once we decide that we want to be! The first step in taking responsibility<BR> for our obsessive thoughts is acknowledging the parts of us that are<BR> fascinated by and seduced by our pain, terror and shame. The challenge<BR> here is to make wellness choices in our thinking as opposed to<BR> worseness choices. The question to ask is: Where do I want to be (in my<BR> mind) and will this thinking get me there?<p>[This message has been edited by Holly (edited September 20, 1999).]

trustntruth - thanks for your suggestions, they are good ideas and I will try them.<P>airheart - thanks for your honesty. I cried when I read it and can't believe I have to go through this for weeks and maybe months. Sometimes it seems I won't be able to make it. When does one know when to get professional help and maybe medication? I just wish I could do something.

Dear Mindfulness,<P>I too was obsessed with thoughts of the OP, I read once that "obsession blocks pain". I don't know exactly how that works but I thought that maybe my obsession was blocking the pain that I could not have him or something like that.<P>I thought like Holly that I wanted to get hypnotized to forget him. However, time does heal and lessens the obsession. I think that the one Key is to try to never have anything to do with that person. I am less and less obsessed the further and further I am away from haveing had any contact or relationship. I can not tell you how GOOD it feels to have the obsession lessen, it is such an awful thing to go around day to day with someone always in your head and an ache in your heart.

How about everytime you feel like contacting the OP, call your spouse instead? Give yourself a reminder of what you are trying to accomplish (save the marriage & get rid of the OP).<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

I’d like to say it’s easy. My heart breaks to see another person in the hellhole I’m in now. I’m in my sixth week also. My emotions are all over the place. My marriage was in the toilet, we separated and I turned my emotional affair into the real deal. I would’ve married the OW, except when push came to shove I couldn’t end my marriage of 11 years and leave my children without saying I tried to work it out with my wife. How have I made it so far?<P>Luckily my W is great, she is meeting every need I’ve ever had. Unfortunately I’m meeting very few of hers. Pray every day, or every time you have those feelings that God may comfort you with your choice to stay in your marriage and to leave the OW. I don’t believe either one of us will regret our decisions 1 year from now, but we must understand that for awhile it’s going to hurt a lot. For awhile the grass is going to seem and maybe even be greener. That doesn’t make it right to pursue the OW like I did.<P>In the end of mine deal, I ended up hurting the OW, my W and myself more that I ever could’ve imagined. At least you have to opportunity to NOT hurt people as much.<P>I would also make a list of the reasons why your not pursuing things and broke it off with the OW. Keep this list with you for later references. So when he hard times and emotional feelings come you can remember why you’re doing what’s right.<P>God is able to comfort is through everything and even when you feel like your hurt, like your sole and every part of your being is set aside to save your marriage – he will comfort you and rejoice because you are doing his will. The other thing I would say is being 100% honest with your wife, you hurt because you miss the OW, tell your W. Put your trust in her, rely on her and develop the type of relationship you had with the OW, with your wife.<BR>

Time is really the only way. Just be patient and try to busy yourself with other projects.