When she makes these calls on the weekend, from where would she be calling? Her car? Would she ever make a call from your home?

Start reading the book immediately. This will give you tremendous insight as to the dynamics of an affair. It will help you understand the "addiction" qualities and how difficult it is to break them.

Read and study Plan A, as that will be your lifeline for the next few months, along with posting here for help and to vent.

You have a significant task in front of you. It's time to hunker down and find the resolve to get after it. I will not be an easy journey, but it can be a very satisfying one, if it all works out well.

A note of caution here. Don't be surprised if you find out, over time, that there's more to her relationship with this OM than currently meets the eye. This is often, but not always, the case. Emotional affairs and physical affairs both require the same amount of work to get to recovery, so in a way, it's a moot point.

Best wishes
SD

I have the history of phone calls. The past 4 or 5 months that they were calling each other.
Can't get record of outgoing calls till end of the months.
I can check the online account, it shows when the last call was made.

Last night she made a call at 12:14AM. That call wasn't on her phone. Like I said she deleted it.

She doesn't know "yet" that got into the online records for our cell phone account. I have all that printed out and at my workplace.
That isn't the point for me!!!!1

Yesterday I was willing to apologize to her for me being such a SH*&! An untrusting one at that.
Then, I see that she is lying to me. And more than likely has been all along.

I really don't know how to proceed. I know if I confront her with these things, she will shut down.
Is the other man married? I think so.
HAHA...I know what you are going to say about that. I've read enough to know. Scared about doing that. And if this is emotional and no longer physical is that still a consideration?

Dalton Dad

I am a FWW who like your wife cheated on my H & told him 4 months ago.

Pleae please listen to Melody she is so right. As long as the OM was around I have to say I was not even considering telling my H or stopping anything.
Even now I suppose I do miss the OM as a friend, because we were long time friends at work for years. But now there would be no choice between my H and OM over anything. I would and will do anything for my H to ease his hurt if I knew what that was.
I have so much to make up for.

Would I have realised it seeing the OM everyday? I doubt it. I'm very ashamed to admit it. I thank God every day for the OM's wife who found out and told him to leave with her for her new job in another state or that was it. Well we know where his heart rightly rested & so he left.

Perhaps you could suggest her to come post here as my H encouraged me to. I have had so much encouragement and support, as well as a few 4x2's, and can say things here that I find hard to say elsewhere.

I know you will not recover while she is in contact, it's simply not possible. There has to be no contact. I do think your wife , like I am accepting - finally, that there are costs to having an affair, her job, my job, are one of those costs.
What about trying to get her to agree to leave for a NEW job and help her find one? Maybe this could be a good start for both of you???
Of course the alternative is that you will probably give up as it just gets too painful and hurtful.

DD, yes, if it is emotional it is still an affair.

The reason that you can't seem to "get over" this is because you sensed something was wrong. And something is wrong. Contact has never ended.

Here is the thing, Dalton. If you continue on the way you have been, this affair will most likely continue. If you don't confront her with these things and start taking some action, your marriage is not likely to survive.

You are more worried about angering her, but temporary anger will not end a marriage, adultery WILL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HAHA...I know what you are going to say about that. I've read enough to know. Scared about doing that. And if this is emotional and no longer physical is that still a consideration?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes, I am going to say it. Aren't you more scared about losing your marriage to an affair that could have been stopped dead in its tracks but wasn't?

Aussiewife,
I do want to give up, quite often. It seems the easiest route. Pain is there is a huge way.
The few times I've thrown my arms up, my wife has never argued. Like that is what she wants. Like in a way, she hopes I'll get to the end of my rope and throw in the towel.

I always renig and crawl back. Hating myself for it.
I keep shaking my head, last night and today, thinking this has continued on even after I confronted her over it. That she doesn't care for me and my pain.
I guess I don't understand a thing about what is going on with her.
I have been trying to make her happy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong> Scared about doing that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">p.s. everybody is scared to do this. You would not be normal if you weren't. But you don't have the luxury of catering to your fears when your marriage is on the line. You have a family to think about here.

But, you don't have to make any decisions today. For today all you have to do is read that book and start putting together a strategy to resolve this.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'll get on the book and off of here.

Thank you all for the advice...

Dalton Dad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong> Aussiewife,
I do want to give up, quite often. It seems the easiest route. Pain is there is a huge way.
The few times I've thrown my arms up, my wife has never argued. Like that is what she wants. Like in a way, she hopes I'll get to the end of my rope and throw in the towel.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, Dalton, your W is probably just as lost as you are. She is probably a very good person who has got herself into this mess and doesn't know how to get herself out. She probably hates herself for it very much.

And that is what you are there for. You are her loving H who can lovingly lead her out of this tar pit with the right strategy. You are the only sane person in this drama so it is up to you save the day.

But your first order of business is to read that book and develop a strategy to end this affair. Once you have done everything in your power to end this affair [and are hopefully successful] you can work on really repairing your marriage.

But please don't give up on your W. She is lost, DD. She has been abducted by space aliens, but she can come back. We see it all the time around here.

And you have especially powerful tools in your arsenal. You have the OM's job in your very hands. Exposure, in your case, is a nuclear bomb. If you exposed this to HR tomorrow, he would probably lose his job. And perhaps he would learn a lesson from all this and not use abuse his position at work to have affairs with married women.

I'm not sure where to start regarding a strategy. Not sure if I need to start dropping bombs, or just confront my wife with what I know.

I don't want to tell her how I know if she's being honest or not. I know that will skew things.

Aliens or no-aliens, if she doesn't want to be with me, what choices do I have? Same thing with her staying at her job, and continuing her physical and or emotional relationship with this guy.

Doesn't everyone just feel so helpless? Dr. Harley's book seems to be a joint effort. I couldn't even get her to look at it.

This marriage is about a partnership. I want that back. What I'm reading here is I have to go it alone until she wants to be with me. If that day ever comes.

Still not sure what to do...

DD, your first order of business is to end this affair so that your marriage has a chance. That is the entire purpose of Plan A. She will not like that and is likely to resist and fight you every step of the way. But you must do it if you want to save your marriage. You just do it lovingly, but FIRMLY.

The first step is to tell her what you know, that you know she is still in contact with the OM. Don't let her shut you up with the crying. [a typical female trick] Tell her that working with the OM will not work.

She may very well resist this step, but this is something with which you cannot negotiate. To do so is to negotiate away any chance of recovery. Tell her this lovingly, but firmly. Say that you want your marriage to work, but you know that it cannot as long as she continues to work there. You must sound like a broken record in order for this to sink in with her.

You must realize by now that her working there is never going to work, you can see that with your own eyes. If you understand the dynamics of an affair, you have to know that your marriage cannot survive this. And this has to be addressed with her.

That is a starting place.

The second step will be to contact the OM's spouse and let tell her what you know. You may have to put a call into Human Resources also.

I would start by having a discussion with your W [about the above, not about calling his W or HR] and doing some research to find the OM's home # and address so you can call his W.

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I'll use a line I put in one of my earlier posts to someone.

Trying to talk sense into a WS is like throwing cottonballs at a crocodile.

In otherwords, right now SAA is for you. Plan A is for you. It's your secret weapon on how to become more attractive to her. It's how you "prove" your love for her.

Trying to educate a WS is a waste of time. They're all warm and fuzzy in their "make believe" world, and they don't want the truth.

Emotionally detach from your WW. Pretend she's someone else. Do not let her anger, her rude remarks, the FOG SPEAK penetrate your armor.

Make it a game. How pleasant can I be in the face of the wrath of a WW? Know in your heart it's NOT your Wife. Think of it as temporary insanity. You can't treat her like she's normal, because she's not.

Calm down, and get a grip. You are just on the front end of a long and painful battle. But I can tell you, as one who's been there, you can do this. You can make this work out.

You just have to believe in Marriage Builders, and believe in yourself!

We believe in you!

SD

DD, what shattereddreams said os absolutely right. Your W is not there right now. You cannot hope to educate her or count on her as a partner until this affair is ended. She is under the spell of an addictive affair and cannot be counted on at this point. So yes, you must do it alone right now. And what you must do to get your W back is to break up this affair.

You are not without hope, you have many opportunities at your disposal to put an end to this, you just have to use those tools.

And yes, she will resist leaving her job, but it won't be for the reasons you think. It will be because she doesn't want to end contact.

I was drawn to your post today DD. My FWH also works with OW. I HATE that they work together, and my guts churns everyday. I do not trust them. Either of them. FWH will not give up this job of his, even for me and our marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He makes very good money, it's easy work, and he gets all of his self-worth from it cause he is good at what he does, and the bosses love him. It makes me sick.

OW also makes very good money, and is the sole breadwinner at her household. She has told FWH that she had an interview (back in Sept.) that she was going to make $10,000 more annually at this job. Guess what??? She is still at the job with FWH.

I told a select few people at FWH's work the truth, and also called OW's Husband and told him all that I knew. I have told FWH that he is really lucky. I am almost to the point where I could call Corporate and tell on both of them, and have them both fired just because I can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That was during a <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> moment. I don't think FWH ever considered what I could do with my knowledge...

Our MC has told us that OW will probably move on as she's only worked there for a bit over a year. FWH has worked there over 5 and has more vested with the company. She has an accounting degree and can go anywhere really... That irritates me. But I guess it's reality.

I really don't have any logical advice to you. I have been where you are. I just wanted to say that I really empathized with your post. I am also reading all the really good advice given to you.

Fellow Lurker
Diz <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

DD,

When MelodyLane tells you to inform your W that you KNOW she is still involved with him, she is NOT telling to you let her know HOW you know. Do NOT give up your clues re: the phone information.

Are all her contacts with him on her cell phone? Any on the home phone? Email?

bump