I just wanted to take a moment and introduce myself. My name is Michael I live in upstate NY where I have 3 wonderful children and a beautiful wife I care and love for deeply. With all of that said and done I will go into my problem and maybe some of you can help me out because I feel like I have run out of options.

My wife of almost 11 yrs ( Feb 12th ) had an affair with a an old flame from years ago. This affair started this May of 2004 we were having problems before this affair and she had even talked seperation. I found out in July about this affair even who it was and where he lived through friends and family who cared. My wife claims she has only had sex with this person on one occasion and a few other things here and there. This is not the first affair my wife has had with this person, her first affair was when we first got married and she had severe forplay with him, I forgave her for this affair over time even though I have felt so much hurt from it. but i figured we did get married and she still had feelings for this person. Now almost 11 years later my wife has an affair with the exact same person. I have even talked to this person and he swears he has ended it with her on a sexual basis but will always be there for her as a friend, he is not looking for any type of relaionship with my wife, even though she does want one from him, she can not tell me why she is so hung up on this person. I have taken a very hard look at myself and find that I have not shown my wife all of the love I do have for her and I even have taken for granted that she will always be there. We tried a marriage counselor and it seemed to work for awhile but because of cash problems we had to stop going. My wife has been off and on with this person since may, I feel the only thing I can do at this point is confront this person again and whoop the crap out of him and then maybe he will force her to stay away. I know this is the wrong answer but I'm so lost. we are now at a point where she wants to save are marriage but does not know how I will ever trust her again, My daughter wrote her mother a very long letter talking of faith, betrayal,and dishonesty..My children made there mother swear on a bible that she will never see this person again, but I fear she will only break there hearts in the end. what can I do to halp her stay away and for her to be more honest with me about everything.

Michael -----> If you need more info to help answer this question please feel free to ask. I'm very desperate but running low on trying energy.

Sorry for your pain. This must be a terrible situation for you and your children to be in ( My situation was somewhat like this). I can't really give you constructive advice on saving your marriage here (what I would advise goes against this site's philosophy). I think being that your wife has REPEATEDLY betrayed you is a poor prognostic sign that you will recover...albeit recovery is ofcourse always possible. Please understand one thing: YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR WIFE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR ! She chose this and you cannot think for one second you had any fault in her making this choice. Yes, you may have been at fault for problems in this marriage, but the fact is that your WIFE and YOUR WIFE alone chose this course of action is her cross to bear. I think you probably should somehow prepare your kids for the inevitable fact that she will "break" the promise to them about not seeing the other man. These kinds of long term affairs usually DO NOT end easily and there is usually terrible, almost inhumane pain that goes into ending these affairs. I can only give you my prayers as my advice is not something that should be given in this time when you are obviously looking to save your marriage.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Hi there
I just want you to know that some long term affairs do end and do recover. Look at the signature line at the bottom of my post. If you add up the time span from their first affair to their long term affair ended it lasted 13 years. We are three years into recovery. It has been damn hard going but it gets better every day. It has taken a long time to really get down to the raw issues, but finally now we are able to really talk about them. I do think any affair is hard to recover from, but it is possible. Read all there is to read on this site. Get the books and read. Get into some marriage counseling. And individual counseling.

In my case it took my H seeing that he was about to lose me for him to realise that he did not want to lose me. He has told me that it had never occured to him that he might lose me. He has said that he got the fright of his life.

Have you been doing a good plan A. Have you exposed the affir? Has the no contact letter been sent? If you have been in Plan A for a while and contact is still occuring, might be time to consider Plan B. Sorry, I am just not sure how familiar you are with the MB concepts. Another good read for you, other than the Hrley's books, might be Love must be Tough (or similar title) by Dobson.

So sorry you are in this position. Just want you to know that the fact that the affair or even attraction has been so longstanding does not necessarily make your situation hopeless. There are examples here of couples who have recovered after long term affairs have intruded on their marriages.

Good luck
C&S

Thank you for your replies, My wife say's that she never would have started this affair with anyone if she had not run into This other person again. She say's that she is going to try and stop seeing him and cut off all contact, she told me that I should just right the dumb letter because it's what I want. I don't really understand plan A and Plan B and not sure how they work. I do know my wife and I fight a lot about her lies. She told me in heartfelt tears last night that she does not know if she wants this marriage anymore, she has also said that a small part of her does, My wife told me that she does not understand how I can ever forgive her and also asked me why I continue to want to be with her after all the hurt she has caused me and the children. I told her because I love her, She wants to earn my trust again and I told her I don't know how. To me TRUST is a hard word but I found a way to break it down to it's true meaning in my situation.


T -- Time
R -- Respect
U -- Understanding
S -- Stability
T -- Truth

This is what Trust equals to me.

I feel so much pain and I just don't know what to do. It hurts to know my wife has had two affairs with the same person in ten yrs. How can I convince her of how important this letter is to me and my children and us as a couple.

Michael~~

Please..I need advice..

Michael~~

Michael
Read up on Plan A. I would get the no contact letter written and send it together. I am worried about her saying she will try not to see him rather than that she will not see him. I don't think she is truly comitted yet.

Read about Plan A. Stop the LBs and DJs (love busts and disrespectful judgements). Expose the affair to her significant others who might have some influence. Get the no contact letter written. Get into counseling.

That would be my initial plan.

However if you have already been in plan A for some while, if she balked at any of this I would consider going to Plan B.

Another suggestion, get some counseling by the owner of this site. Unfortunately I am in another counstry on the other side of the world, but all the posters here who have counseled with the Harleys seem to swear by them.

C&S

How do I get couseling from the owner of this forum and web site, the Harly's..

Michael~~

Hi Michael
Go to the top of the page.
Under the Marriagebuilders Logo you will see some links (home, concepts and so on)

Click on the one that says counsel. That should give you the information you need.
C&S

Thank you so much....

Michael~~