I think you are right on. With the exception of me wanting to be a victim. Nope. Not into that. Nope.

Thanks guys, for your words of wisdom. I guess I kinda knew all this already. I just needed it reinforced.

John

Hi there dewt,

Btw, I haven't read the entire thread yet.

This is my understanding right now (please correct me if I'm not getting it). You reached the end of YOUR timeline twice before (the ends resulted in 1 Affair, 1 ONS) and then you regretted not giving you and Dylan more time. You decided to give you and Dylan another try and you decided the timeline again, and now you're nearing the end of it. Did I get it right?

If I got it right, then I think it's as simple as this--it's time for you to make a decision. Either get rid of the time LIMIT you impose on both of you and continue your efforts, or end the relationship and rebuilding efforts and move on (in THAT order dewt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

If you decide to get rid of the time limit and continue rebuilding efforts, what will you do more of or do differently with that time?

If you want a suggestion, here is mine. You wrote this about your recent Affairs:
"In both cases, I was trying to 'move on' and in both cases ended the relationship when I saw the effect it had on Dylan."

If it was me, even if I was considering rebuilding with you, I wouldn't--not yet--after reading that. I would need you to be more honest with yourself first.

I think that's a DJ on my part, and I ask you to excuse me and forgive me for it--I didn't know how to bring this up without it being a DJ, but I think it might be important for you to consider if you want a future with Dylan.

Take care dewt

Laundry Mistress, perhaps a thread with PDD and other disorders as it's topic might be illuminating. Dylan and I have really on just begun discussing the possibility that at least part of our problems are due to things that are handle-able (if not curable) through more appropriate and focused efforts.

LovingBoundries, Thanks for posting. Please believe that I found nothing in the way of disrespect nor judgemental in your post. In all honesty, I appreciate your candor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please understand that I believe Dylan has every right to be hesitant about entering into a marriage relationship with me. And furthermore, she has much work to do on her before she'd be ready for it even if she was sure she wanted it. And the same goes for me. I have much to prove to her, and to myself also.

I'm just looking for that first step. The declaration that she'd like to see this family as a unit again. Not just united in body, as we are, but also in spirit.

And...

...and I gotta go now 'cause Dylan's got a movie cued up for us...

Ciao

John

Hello Dewt,

PERFECT ! Nice to know that you are not in victim mode. My saying these things were just as a check. I was wondering, when was the last time you invited Dylan out for coffee or a nice supper (without the kids)? Dating could be a lot of fun and maybe, just maybe, you will discover something new about your Dylan... no expectations, just a simple date, courting.

Peace,
Odyssey

Dewt...

Dylans last post were full of I need to work on me..
I need to find myself.
I need to focus on me right now...

be honest in saying exactly how much work has gone in to that...

and how much if any progress has been made...

Is anyone in the home in any type of counseling?

and what's her plan......

ARK

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

This is a tough one. I can see that her mind is working a mile a minute most of the time. I think she puts a lot of effort into not dealing with these issues. But actual work... I haven't seen any. (Doesn't mean it's not happening)

Progress... here too, another toughie. I see some progress in terms of us spending more intimate time together. But there seems to be no solid movement towards a statement of reconciliation.

I guess that is kinda why I've been freaking some. Without progress, I'm terrified of stagnation, or worse, slipping into old habits, or even worse, I fear living in this emotional state of fear/hope/pain indefinately.

No one is in couselling. We are still waiting for our health cards.

Plan? As far as I know, her plan is to focus on our son, as he really needs our focus and attention.

I kinda wish Dylan would be the one to answer your questions, as I'm just grasping for replies for ya. She could give you a much clearer idea of what is in her head. (Well, maybe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

J

Is anyone in the family in any type of counseling...

ALSO dewt what I hear you saying...is that you are again desperately missing physical initamacy...and this does not bode well for you.

and that you are once again at great risk to go searching out there....

my other big concern is that you say and have said before that dylan never did meet your need for intimacy...that she never did show much enthusiasm for you even pre-your affair...

and if no one is working on anything...
I can't see where this is going anywhere...
and how it will ever work....

inaction is an action...
indecision is a decision...

are you sure that she hasn't decided already..
and the time is at hand for YOU to decided as well...

ARK

Hey Ark, thanks for posting.

Dylan and I are being intimate. (this is me -> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) And even if we weren't, well, I would not be going down that path again. Anyway, it's not so much the intimacy itself I crave, it's the motivations behind it... if that makes any sense. (Ok, I crave the intimacy too...)

No one is in counselling right now, but we are working on it.

No, she did not show much excitemtent for me before this affair. It has been many years since that enthusiasm's been there. That's at least half my fault. My official plan is to give her something to be enthusiastic about.


and if no one is working on anything...
I can't see where this is going anywhere...
and how it will ever work....

In my times of discouragement, which seem to come in cycles, I struggle with this. The fact is, we are working on something, albeit very slowly and in an unconcerted manner. It would not seem so at first glance, but the fact is that 'things' seem to be developing between us. I catch smiles nowadays that seem genuinely full of love. I almost got a juicy kiss the other day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's like the changes are small, and very gradual, but it looks like they are there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>
are you sure that she hasn't decided already..
and the time is at hand for YOU to decided as well...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been struggling with this one for years. I've decided to have faith and see this through. Dylan has some things to sort out, obviously, and if in the end she decides that life with me is not what she wants, well then that will be her decision. Up until then, I'm going to keep trying to give her reasons to want to be married to me.

I honestly believe that she loves me. I honestly believe that she's in love with me! I just think it's buried under a big psychic pile of dissappointment, stress, resentment and other stuff. My job is to stand by her while she sorts this all out, and to help her where I can.

I have more to write, but I gotta go help with the kiddos morning routine. And make some coffee for my sleeping sweetheart.

Again, thanks for dropping in Ark. I have a great respect for you and appreciate your posts and views. Even if you don't have a beard and a boat.

John

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 06:31 AM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Hi dewt,

It seems you are feeling very positive, which is good, and must mean you have plenty to be positive about.

I have a good feeling about this one.

Keep it up.

Lots of love

Well, the truth is, I'm still struggling. I'm still facing very painful and discouraging issues, but choosing not to let it control me or push me into acting in a way that is not helpful.

I have a good feeling too.

Just doin' it day to day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

J

Well Dewt..

your reply post to me paints a much different picture than what I was gathering from

I am glad for all of you...

I hope that Dylan is feeling better as well..
I also wish she would post here...

I hope you both can use the holiday season to seek great joy and peace in the world....

the small gifts that life brings us...come to us when we usually aren't even aware of them...
seek them out dewt...keep positive...

life is still good...

ARK

Hey ark,

G'mornin.

I kinda wish she would post too, but the fact is that she will when she is ready. No point in rushing it.

And until then, day to day life with her is actually rather pleasant.

Actually, it's way more than pleasant.

The fact that I get to make coffee for her every morning is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given.

J