Hi, my name is Steve and I am 31 years old. Im really glad I found this website, heres my situation.

I have been with my significant other for 9 years, we were never "formally" married, we chose to make our promises to each other privately and do a common-law marriage. While I know alot of people wont call that being married, I feel married to my wife. She is my soulmate, I love her deeply.

From the beginning of our relationship things were great, just like all of them, after a few years we got a computer, I became addicted to it playing video games, surfing etc., well around 7 1/2 years mark, I caught her in a web of lies, I was letting her go out all the time and do whatever she wanted, I never did anything with her etc., well her lies were about this guy who was a friend of a friend. She told me she was going out of town overnight with her father to hunting camp, no problem, happens all the time, well this time I knew something wasnt right, I drove to her fathers and he was home, saw him, but he wouldnt answer the door. Hmm I thought, strange. Next evening she came home and I had thrown all of her things in the front yard, I know that was dumb, but I did it. She came in and denied it all, first it was that she did go with her dad and I was seeing things because he wasnt there, the lies start. Lots of them. That night she left to go and stay with her grandmother. So I drove by this friend of a friends house, and lo and behold parked on the side street is our car. She ended up staying there a month before she came back, I accepted her back and told her I needed the truth about what was happening between them, she said they were just friends, she slept on the couch. I knew that was a lie, all month long we talked and I told her how it hurt me she was staying with him, I told her I could tell by a phone message he left for her when he thought I moved out, in it he was saying he loved her blah blah blah, then the day she decided to come back I found a notebook in the car with little notes between them, she told me how sorry she was and still denied sleeping with him, told me I was making stuff up in my head, I was crazy.

Fast forward to the present. This whole 1.5 years since that happened she has denied sleeping with this other guy. I tried to just let it go, but I couldnt, I told her over and over and over that I needed the truth, that I could handle it etc., it wasnt the physical aspect of what happened that was bothering me, it was her lying about it, I was able to get past the physical part of it, I couldnt get past the lying about it.

I made changes in my life and broke my addiction to the computer, did more things with her, was more affectionate, she loved it, but I still couldnt get past the lying to me, and I startde to withdraw from her, I couldnt have sex with her, I went back to spending more time on the computer, not like before, I still have it under control, I know its a tool now, but never the less, I wasnt into her like I could have been, if I could have trusted her.

Well recently we got cell phones, I noticed a number on the bill that was being called alot, I mean like 6 hours worth of talking a day. She started leaving early in the mornings for work, when I asked about the number she told me that it was a girlfriend of hers. Seemed odd, so after a few weeks I called the number and a man answered, he played it all real good, but I knew. I went and confronted her about it and she told me again I was crazy. Later she admitted it was this man, but he was just a friend whose wife had left him for another man recently and was consoling him. (She lied here and said that she had recently came back also).

Well a mutual friend of ours told me that my wife told them about sleeping with this new man. I went upstairs and confronted her about it and eventually she told me that she had slept with both of them. That she didnt love me anymore like she used to, and hadnt for a long time, there was nothing left for us. Now she is again staying at this new mans house and saying they are not sleeping together (except the 1 time, and then she stopped right after it started, so she says), that she isnt ready for that, but we are no longer together. So it doesnt matter.

She has decided to just dissolve the common law marriage, so we dont have the "paper" part of the marriage to bond us. We have no children together, Im worried that trying to work a plan A wont be possible if she feels we basicly just "broke up", and we never see each other again, in one of my LB sessions I told her that she would have to take me to court to get our TV and bed. That at least that way Id get to see her again, she took the TV, dvd player and stereo today though. She asked me if it would easier for me to let her go if she did something to make me hate her.

I guess I feel that she is just to far gone from me right now, looks like shes forced plan B, although she did say she would call sometimes, and put some serious thought into "us". I told her I didnt feel that we were able to fix or work on anything between us with the lies being told, and that now that this shadow is lifted off the relationship, things have a chance to get better.

One other part of all this is that I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD and havent been able to properly support the family. I know its no excuse, but it does explain alot of the things that I have experienced in life. I learned an awful lot about this, and now that I am getting help, I feel like a new person, I feel like a man now. It took hurting her this bad for me to finally get my wake up call, now I fear its to late for her. Ive made lots of promises of things being better, let her down alot, and I feel those were in vain because they were just words for her to hear, I had no idea how to fix what needed fixing. Now, since Ive learned my responsibilities in this life, shes left. Like I fell off a cliff and just before I hit the ground I sprout wings, but its to late and I go splat.

I see things a whole lot clearer now, I see how my actions towards her could make her fall out love with me. Is it to late?? Will plan A work in this situation? I think inside she still loves me, I can see it in her eyes, last night we danced to our song (keeper of the stars by tracy byrd) in our living room and we both cried and couldnt believe it was over. She said she wishes I would have had this revelation awhile ago, but its to late now, she loves this new man. She doesnt believe I can make her happy since Ive let her down so many times. Any hope for me????? Thanks

Steve

Steve - Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be, under the circumstances.

Really the only one you can change is you. Now that you have identified some problems, work on them.

Start in Plan A, and show her you are changing. Affairs usually end on their own. But it is miserable in the meantime.

Thanks for the reply believer, that is my current plan of action. Im hoping I will be talking and seeing her enough to work a plan A. Shes told me how good this new man is to her, how great a father he is, how he listens to her, makes her feel like shes the only one in the world, and a few others. Im trying to tell myself that if I was doing these things for her, she would come back. Then I think, shes told me that she is in love with the OM, that she has no more feelings for me like that, by both the OM and I doing the same things for her, who wins that battle? I think the OM would have the upperhand, or does that even matter? Maybe our history together gives me the upperhand? I guess it doesnt matter anyway, I plan on fighting for my wife, I at least have to try. I owe her that.

Start in Plan A, and don't expect anything. Also work on changing yourself.

Ignore all the stuff she says, they all do and say the same things when they are caught up in the A fantasy. Phrases like "I love you, but am not in love with you", "He's my soulmate", are just par for the course. They all say the same things. The funny thing is they all think their A is so special, and original.

It is difficult at first, but gets much better.

Gads,
Hello and welcome.

I agree with Believer. They all do sound the same and *WE* BS's start out blaming ourselves. "if only I ...." Fill-in the Blank - "didn't do this" or "did do that". "They would see and still love me!!!". OMG, I wish it worked that way. I had to sit my H down and make him really look into my eyes and I said, "Look at me, not through me. Now do you see me, I'm still in here!!". You see we had so many other issues floating around, we were only seeing our problems and not each other. I'm working on myself and my H has to work on himself. Maybe at the end of the road we will be together -- either way we'll be better people.

I still love him very much. But yes the LIES can kill ya.

Keep posting - MBers is a good place.

Brown

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone, so I shouldnt believe that it is over yet when she asks what she needs to do to help me move on?