I've been on the Just found out board. Seems there's more movement here, so switched. I'm in the early days of the process. It's Saturday night and I've only been clued in since...Tuesday. Busy week. Called a lawyer. Seen a counseler. Confronted H. Called OW. H lie, lie, lying.

The sordid story: H was out of the country for 9 weeks on company business. Somewhere before or during this period of hectic work, he started an A with a divorced coworker with 3 kids. Computer companies are terrible. They suck your life up and still will lay you off. Our summer was ruined by his 12 hour days and weekend work. He loves his job but still lets it infringe on our live. Yes, I know he was wide open to be poached during the trip. Affairs are so easy on business trips. Nice clean hotels, restaurants where nobody knows you, so exciting. Ah, the tropical heat..it's so lonely. I had bad vibes the whole time he was gone. H surprised us, my son, daughter and I at our house on Sunday night by coming home "early" when he'd actually been in the country since Friday. (Saw the passport stamp!" "Hi, Honey, I'm home!" Expected him Thursday. Wasn't prepared to greet him. Missed some important events doing this. Miss lots just by being away. Now, he's been gone until late at night since then without anything but the "I'm working" excuse. Last night, he actually came home early and stayed with us. Seemed positive but no communication.

This afternoon. we went to our son's playoff football game with his parents. Hard. They are clueless. They asked who he got a ride from the airport from and he, of course, lied. Could not meet my eyes. I zinged a few things in at him that went completely over the parents head.

I want to confront him but he always withdraws. Tonight, he is soooo tired. I replied that it's difficult burning the candle at so many ends. He said he went in to work today as he often does on Saturdays. His car has an extra 80 miles on the odemeter. Hmmm...just about the mileage to her house. But he is home tonight. He is not a fridged wall. Our children have seen him today and he has spoken to them. I consider these to be positive things. I'm studying the LB stuff.

Before I came to this page, I felt my only option was divorce. Perhaps this is not so. So far, I'm ambivalent about everything.

Plan A? We'll see how it goes. I think we need to move past this period. The whole process seems to take a lots of time. But heck, we've been married 28 years. Nothing happens overnight.

Plan A is the place to start. It is very difficult at first, but gets easier. Don't expect anything in return. When the WS is in the fog, they are very selfish. But he will notice.

When it drives you crazy, come here and post. We have been through the same thing and understand.

Hi Carol. Sorry to see you here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But the good news is we are going to take care of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have you read Surviving an affair? Definitely worth your time. It contains all the same things that you see on this site about infidelity and more. It sounds like you are on the move! You've got a lot done (Lawyer, IC, working on exposure, and reading / posting here)! All good stuff.

As you probably know, exposure of your H's A is just what the Dr. ordered to help end the it. The tricky part is staying away from the LB's while you do it. If you can enlist friends to do some of the dirty work you can stay away from the LB's a little better. Is the OW married? If she is then a call to her H is in order. Next in line for exposure would be family. Tell them exactly what you think they need to know for your personal healing. And after that work if he refuses to stop. Basically, whatever is enabling the A should be exposed. As you shine light on these things they just get ulglier and ulglier.

Don't let your H turn any exposures against you either. If he tries to get mad you can just tell him that you are doing it to help in your personal healing process. It is very hard for the WS to argue when you disarm their accusations and indignation with your need to heal.

Have you checked his cell phone record? Most of the time this can be done online or requested over the phone. Might be more on there than you think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Have you considered a PI? Also I have been hearing more and more about cell phones that use GPS. I have heard that some have been know to track vehicles with them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I busted my WW through emails and with a phone record. But I imagine your H is probably pretty careful with the email if he works for a computer co.. Just some ideas........

I saved the most important for last. You need to be taking care of yourself. How are YOU doing? Are you getting enough sleep, and eating enough? It's real easy for the BS to just let everything go in the early days of the A. Physical and mental unrest seem to keep your body and mind occupied 24/7. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I've written many a post at 4:00am on a weeknight and that's not good. You sound like your doing alright but I still wanted to ask. ok?

Remember that we know what you are going through and we are here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You are going to come through this a stronger and wiser person no matter what happens. It maybe hard to believe right now, but if you follow the MB principals you will see what I mean.

Take Care of yourself

C.

It's hard to believe how supportive everybody is here. My therapist was also a BS and has moved well past it to a successful long term relationship. She said to call day or night, that just the thought would help me feel better. I said, thank God for the Internet and some of the people on it. (Certainly not all.) We can talk to people about stuff at anytime of the day. I feel lucky to have accidently happened to access a webpage that thinks you can possibly keep a relationship.

Processing the Plan stuff takes a little effort. H is at the sparkly stage of the A and just can't talk. I leave notes on the bathroom mirror. Does it help? Is it okay? Maybe, who knows but at least I feel like I'm trying to communicate.

This is kind of like when I had a miscarriage. I never knew it happened to so many people until it happened to me.

The nice thing is that everyone here understands what it is like to go through an affair. Your family and friends will probably tell you to dump the bum. Here folks will try to support you in saving your marriage.

I'm trying to take care of myself. The divorce diet is pretty drastic. While he was gone, I went on a diet and lost 10 lbs on purpose as a surprise. (Of course, he hasn't noticed.) I'm sure more weight is going to be lost. Just a few pounds, not the 180 lbs of him.

It's midnight and I'm posting. I'm not sleeping well but I don't seem as sleep needy as before this happened.

I bought flowers this week. My kids went to the high school musical, South Pacific. I stayed home with H. Trying to make together time...he fell asleep and hated each of the 2 movies we tried to watch. Never finished the movies. He went to bed. After the kids came home and talked about the play, I started singing "gonna wash that man right out of my hair..." lustily. While I washed my face, finished the prebed stuff and climbed under the blankets. Not too subtle but enough to perhaps make someone know I don't feel like a trainwreck.

Most of us have gone through the not sleeping well thing. It was months and months for me. Finally I started taking care of myself and feeling better, and now sleep just fine.

Expect him to be critical of anything you want to watch or do. That is just how they are when they are in the fog. They all do and say almost EXACTLY the same things. That should give you some comfort.

I wonder why they all do and say the same thing? This morning, I tried to get him to talk. Of course, it's all my fault, I'm too pushy, and just because I'm the way I am, maybe he should get a divorce. Aren't these the typical WH lines?

I'm numb

Yes, typical fog babble. You should check out Orchids post on reverse babble.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This morning, I tried to get him to talk. Of course, it's all my fault, I'm too pushy, and just because I'm the way I am, maybe he should get a divorce </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reverse babble would go something like:

WH: Your too pushy.
BS: I agree, hope I didn't knock you out of breath.

WH: This is all your fault.
BS: Yes it is, and you have been a great help.

WH: Maybe I should just get a D.
BS: I agree, let me know if I can help you.

WH: You want a D!!??
BS: You know I've always wanted to do what is best for our M and family.

Don't let him draw you into any deep discussion on any of this. Just let his crinkle up his face and think. And be ready to rush him to the hospital if his brain bursts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You see WS's often can't get enough blood to their brain and sometimes overzealous BS's having some honest fun with them can cause the blood circulation to their brain to pick up suddenly. Sadly enough this can sometimes lead to repetitious statements that make no sense and seem to have no meaning whatsoever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Just kidding on the last part there I'm not a Dr. but I think there is something wrong with their noodle.

They all say the same things because most every A is exactly alike. A's start in deception and secrecy. When they are shown the light they often crumble too. Make sure you expose expose expose. Not to say you shouldn't be careful who you expose to. Make sure that you protect your children and leave hope for reconciliation. Be calculated and pick your exposures carefully. Then execute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WH and OW will be squirming in no time. Just you watch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

One last thing remember if his work is enabling the A you really need to expose there as well. Seems drastic you say?!?! Well this is a drastic situation! And it is up to you to take matters into your own hands for the sake of your M. Sorry for my mini rant there. But the quicker you can get this thing out in the open the better. Remember to set a definite order to the exposures and know WHY you need each one. This way if he finds out that you are behind them then you can tell him that you are doing this for your personal healing, or whatever reason that you have.

Take Care and keep posting,

C.