While my husband was away for weeks on business, before I knew he was a WS, I was having my little fantasies. It included a character from TV show, based in a completely different time period of history, in a different country in a situation I'll never be in, with a person I'll never meet. (But who is a fine actor.) There's sites and sites of this kind of fan fiction on the web.

After some reflection, it seems that how I played this out was the the character was kind, gentle, funny, caring and cherished me. Maybe these are the characteristics I want from my H but don't seem to bring out.

Are these fantasies an indication of what I really want and need or a betrayal of my relationship?

Fantasies are just fantasies. Everyone has them. You just have to keep in mind that they are not real.

I have made up fantasies all of my life and have come to learn that they do have some meaning. They tell me things about myself that I’m perhaps not consciously acknowledging.

Fantasies such as yours, usually come to me in the darkest times. During my Hs affair, I would escape into a fairytale at night and imagine the comfort and caring that I longed for. It was an escape from a harsh reality, that I could not cope with. When life is good, I rarely find myself fantasising.

I think that fantasies are a way to play out the things we are yearning for. They tell us about the needs we have that are lacking in our everyday lives.

I don’t think you are betraying your H. I would have a different view, if you were thinking about a real person in your life as any betrayal begins in the mind, but your thoughts are of someone who doesn’t exist. A Prince Charming character, who you are giving the qualities that you are looking for in your H.

You can use these thoughts to know yourself better and to recognise when something has to change in your life.

Horizon, you made me cry. I haven't really been crying at all until now. Maybe my subconscious is telling me what I need. Maybe these should be my relationship goals: to feel cherished and cared for and the rest.

Every long dark tunnel has an end, I suppose

Yes HurtingCarol, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t quite see it yet. That is why I chose the name Horizon. We have to have faith that there are better things beyond what our eyes can see.

In the meantime, you can find comfort in your dreams. Visualising a happier time and place can help you to keep your goals in focus. I hope they become your realities HC.

Thanks. I'm filling out the emotional needs questionaire right now. I can see how low my Love Bank is.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2Corinthians (4:16-18, NIV)

Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

C.