He really has not forgiven me. My husband Stanley
does not appreciate all my efforts for the rebuilding of our marriage. He wants me to ask him for the divorce. He wants ME, to be the one asking him.
So, he can then say, that he tried all he could to save the Marriage.
He does not know how to forgive me. He cannot put the affair behind, he is too full of anger and resentment towards me.
I have mantained NO contact, I have no withdrawal, but yet he is always telling ME, that my heart is still divided.
If I dont accept his advances when HE wants, automotically it is because I am thinking of OM. He cannot understand if I am tired, or simply dont want to. I always HAVE to want! Or else!
I guess we will be next in the line for divorce! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Thats what he really wants!

Myrta

How long since D-Day, Myrta?

DD was on June 1 2004.

Myrta I am very saddened to hear that. Stanley seemed to be coming around.

It has not happened yet, maybe it never will. Some BS can say some terrible things when we feel hurt.

{{{{mytra & Stanley }}}}

Myrta - I know for sure that your husband DOES love you. So what else is going on in your life?

Believer- Sometimes love is not enough. And thats his case, his "love" for me is not sufficient to forgive me, and to put this behind us for good!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> He really has not forgiven me. My husband Stanley
does not appreciate all my efforts for the rebuilding of our marriage. He wants me to ask him for the divorce. He wants ME, to be the one asking him.
So, he can then say, that he tried all he could to save the Marriage.
He does not know how to forgive me. He cannot put the affair behind, he is too full of anger and resentment towards me.
I have mantained NO contact, I have no withdrawal, but yet he is always telling ME, that my heart is still divided.
If I dont accept his advances when HE wants, automotically it is because I am thinking of OM. He cannot understand if I am tired, or simply dont want to. I always HAVE to want! Or else!
I guess we will be next in the line for divorce! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Thats what he really wants!

Myrta </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in Marriage counseling? NC is just the beginning of recovery. I don't have any Marriage building advice, but I would suggest that you and your husband go to great lengths to get counseling from an experienced marriage counselor. You guys do NOT have all of the other horrible baggage (other children, STD's, bankruptcy, wide spread exposure, continued contact, false recoveries) that comes from an affair and perhaps your marriage is salvageable (if that is what BOTH of you want). Sorry for you and Stanley's pain. I hope that you guys can find some help to salvage the marriage (if you both belive that there is something to salvage). Good luck and best wishes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> DD was on June 1 2004. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, he is supposed to be full of anger and resentment about the affair. He is recovering. That is part of recovery. In fact, he is BRAND NEW in the process so you can expect much more of these bouts from him.

You are expecting way too much too soon. Just reassure him that you love him dearly and are deeply sorry for what you have done and he will feel better.

It would help if you would HELP HIM through these bouts instead of getting angry and indignant at him. He is going to go through these bouts of anger and resentment about once a month for anywhere from a YEAR to a YEAR and a half.

Are you willing to help him recover?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong>
He does not know how to forgive me. He cannot put the affair behind, he is too full of anger and resentment towards me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is supposed to be full of anger and resentment. He can't put the affair behind him until he recovers. That is just normal.

Melody Lane- I am more than willing to help in our recovery. But he does not believe my efforts for doing it. He thinks I am being unsincere, that myheart and thoughts are elsewhere.
I am aware that this is to be expected. I know its only been 5 months.
But days like yesterday, that we are the whole day sharing things , like a normal couple, and at night because I dont want to "do it" he gets all shaky, and tells me that he cannot believe what has become of him,etc,etc. Those things hurt me, because I am thinking things are going well for us. But no, I am losing hope. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

P.S. just a side note and this is purely anecdotal, but it seems that the 8 month mark is the WORST for many BS'. It is when the relief of saving the marriage wears off and anger climaxes. I can't count the times I have seen a BS around the 8 month mark come on here and talk about their anger and rage [and divorce]. It is usually the storm before the calm, though.

Lemonman- No, we are not in Marriage counseling. I thought we BOTH wanted our marriage to work and be better, but I guess I was wrong. He surely acts like he doesn't!

Myrta - Of course your husband loves you. The two of you are really new in this. Hang in there, sweetie.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> at night because I dont want to "do it" he gets all shaky, and tells me that he cannot believe what has become of him,etc,etc. Those things hurt me, because I am thinking things are going well for us. But no, I am losing hope. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you think it hurts his feelings when you turn him away? You affair was very very emasculating to him, so I imagine that being turned away sexually is an especially harsh slap in the face after what he has endured.

Why would you do that at this critical point, Myrta? Why aren't you concerned with the pain you are inflicting on him, Myrta? Surely you understand the impact of your actions? You are wounding him deeply when you do this.

Myrta,

Please calm down. His anger should have been expected. That is why lemon asked about the MC. As important as it is to have a truly repentant WS it is just as important to realize that the damage done is not trivial nor easily or quickly escapable. ALL of the reading that I have done says that R is the hardest part of the whole process. Please have some patience and continue being the best wife that you can be. Hopefully Stanley will come online and vent. We all know how painful a process that you two are going through. Don't leave your recovery in the hands of well meaning MBers. Get the professsional help you both deserve

MELODY LANE- I understand what you are saying. But do we really have to do it EVERYNIGHT??? Can we just cuddle sometimes? I love to cuddle with him, he is always so warm to cuddle with.
But now he is popping viagras left and right and is ready 24=7!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I want our marriage to work, I do, Melody Lane. I love HIM. I dont want us to divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> MELODY LANE- I understand what you are saying. But do we really have to do it EVERYNIGHT??? Can we just cuddle sometimes? I love to cuddle with him, he is always so warm to cuddle with.
But now he is popping viagras left and right and is ready 24=7!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I want our marriage to work, I do, Melody Lane. I love HIM. I dont want us to divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">bwahahaaaa! I know how ya feel, Myrta!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't worry, he will calm down eventually. He doesn't want a divorce. You just triggered a deep wound when you said no. He is recovering from a deep sense of rejection and I betcha you just triggered it when you said no.

hahahaaaaaa

Mryta,

Stanley is right on schedule for the anger stage in his personal recovery.

Now it is time for you to atone for your affair by not giving up on him.

Take his anger and his seeming to want to give up with calm detachment. Work with him, help him for real, now.

Your A was the ultimate detachment, the ultimate in lies and betrayal, and the ultimate act of giving up on Stanley. And he didn’t even know why you were doing it. It often takes a while to really sink in. And then we BS get angry, finally.

Read Torn Asunder. If Stanley does not process his anger now it will return in a few years and be the end of your M for real. He needs your help now more than after DDay.

My wife said to me once during a period in which I sounded just like Stanley (not long ago, either), “I am not giving up on you. I will never give up on you”.

I needed her help more than I realized. I needed her to validate my anger and my feelings of emptiness and hopelessness. I needed her to listen to me and show some genuine concern for me. And she did! The anger started to subside, though slowly.

Do the same for your husband. You finally have a chance to make some amends in a concrete way. It’s less talk, more action time Myrta.

T

I am sorry for laughing, Myrta, I am not laughing AT YOU!! I just know exactly how you feel to be badgered for sex constantly. aaaargh! I can sympathize with you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree with the others about counseling. Stanley needs to learn to handle that trigger so y'all can find a happy medium.

Myrta,

I would take the opposite tack. If he wants you every night,in a loving manner, I feel that is a very good sign. I would be much more worried about you being ignored sexually and THAT MAY COME LATER. That is why you need professional help. Do it now before any other damage can be done.

We are all rooting and praying for you both.