I hope you kind folks aren't getting tired of hearing from me, but it struck me today while I was doing some Family Matters Winter Preparation Cleaning...I know WHY my W is so hooked on OM!! I know WHY....

It doesn't really have to do with my A years ago, almost 10 to be exact..
It doesn't have to do with LB's...nope I wish it were that...
It's doesn't have to do with my age (OM is almost 10 years younger than me)

I have found it>>.and it was here all the time....

My W used to talk about this friend of hers..Lisa..YES her name was LISA and LISA wanted some excitement in her life, she longed for someone to chase dreams with, not that she had a tremendous amount of dreams herself but she longed to be on the arm of a man who had dreams to chase...

Unfortunately for poor Lisa her husband was the steady eddie, not that this was a bad thing, in fact many women long for a Steady Eddie, a good provider, reliable, family oriented, respectable, steady paycheck, a all around good guy who watches the same television programs every week while glancing at his stomach as his midsection grows a 1/4 of an inch each day.

BUT LiSA wanted MORE....LISA WANTED MR. EXCITEMENT someone to BLAZE THE TRACK of life with...YES...YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Of course LISA eventually found MR. Younger Mr. No Responsibility Mr. Excitement and guess what...
She left Mr. Reliable and the kids behind so she could be with her new friend...

but eventually like most things...MR. EXCITEMENT GREW TIRED OF LISA...and he dumped LISA...

LISA was devestated in fact she started stalking Mr. Excitment, when he continually refused her advances she left nasty notes on his car, when that didn't work she slashed his tires...eventually MR. Excitement was tired of all the excitement dealing with LISA and he took out a restraining order on LISA...and LISA eventually went back home to her Husband Mr. Reliable, the Steady Eddie...the guy in holding down the fort the whole time.


NOW>>..

I started off a MR. EXCITEMENT...
but I've become a STEADY EDDIE....

If I CAN awaken My Steady Eddie..I would appear even more attractive to her than this young jerk she's throwing her life away for...I understand I get it.

My W didn't marry Mr. Reliable, though its nice to have bills paid, it's nice to have security, its nice to have lots of gifts under the Christmas tree, its nice to have excellent inners made in your honor, a delectable massage and all of those other fine talents I've delved into during the last 5 years, but the bottom line is...

That's not very exciting, interesting, attracting as MR. EXCITEMENT now is it?

Don't get me wrong I have dreams, I always have..but somewhere along the way I became distracted by bills, wanting to climb the corporate ladder, wanting to build up a 401K, investments and many other adult goals and ambitions. My mother briefly stated as much today when she spoke about my W. My mother thinks my W doesn't want to grow up!!! I didn't understand what that comment meant, but my mom continued. Your W likes this young guys singing, I mean what else could it be? She likes when this young kid comes off the stage and sits with her and everyone goes,...ooohh look he's sitting with her!?!?!?

I hope you guys will hit me with the necessary array of 2X4's, but if I'm right please respond with your comments as well. I think there are alot of women who fell in love with their rebellious, exciting husbands, but somewhere along the line we became corporate paper pushers, computer keyboard tappers, middle managers and mouse clickers who watch way too much TV, who could stand to lose 20-30 pounds and the last time we had a six pack was when we stopped at a friends house and drank 3 too many Miller Genuine Drafts!

Okay I know what the problem is, and actually she's right! I need to recapture my spirit! I need to rekindling my goals, dreams and ambitions and chasing them. I remember an email I discovered from my W to OM where OM preached he wasn't in a position to be in a real relationship with her and she reassured him he was...

"Its not about money, you have ambitions and goals and thats attractive in itself!!"

OUCH! As if I dont have ambitions or goals? Woman I'm the guy paying for the home, the cable, the dsl, the big screen, the SUV, the designer perfume etccc.....


Okay enough complaining..she's right once upone a time I was exciting, a body of fire and ambition now I'm all grown up and reasonable. hahah no wonder she finds herself tossing and turning, MR. STEADY EDDIE is the good for you, but MR> EXCITEMENT is GOOD FOR YOU...WINK WINK WINK...

Now what if I do regain my spark? Will I still want my WW? If I regain that spark I'm sure there are lots of women who I could date and since I'm no longer sitting around waiting on my W and I'm purusing my own life now..who the heck says I will give my W the time of day. Why should I? Okay so you want me to be MR. EXCITMENT? Well maybe when I'm MR. EXCITEMENT I WON'T BE INTERESTED IN A 33 YEAR OLD MOTHER OF TWO WITH A SLIGHT POUCH AND NO TRUE RESPECT FOR MY PLACE AS A HUSBAND, MAYBE I'LL FIND ME SOME YOUNG HOTTIE WHO'S TIRED OF BROKE YOUNG GUYS WHO CANT BALANCE A CHECK BOOK, LIVE WITH RELATIVES AND CANT COOK TO SAVE THEIR LIVES...

Now that the pain is subsiding this is really getting interesting huh?

If all of us BS's think objectively I think we can decipher our WS's lure to OP, if we choose to remedy it is a whole other issue altogether.

Think about it, who were you when you and your WS fell in love?

Answer that question and reclaim your Spouse...
that is if you still want them... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks for even reading this well-intentioned rant... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to recapture my spirit! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FM, you should bronze this statement. So many of us have lost our "spirit" along the weathered path of M. We could all use a little recapturing now and then.

I think you really hit on something <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to recapture my spirit! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FM, you should bronze this statement. So many of us have lost our "spirit" along the weathered path of M. We could all use a little recapturing now and then.

I think you really hit on something <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YESSSS

I know I have...I only hope some of you folks reading this thread take it to heart before youre out of gas! Seriously...who did your WS marry? Who were you then? You may have changed but remember your spouse fell in love with who you were, how much have YOU CHANGED? I was a writer, a poet and pursuing my dream, somewhere along the way I became a Systems Engineer/LAN Manager for a Government Office? What's wrong with this picture>


WHO WERE YOU?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hey FM,

You have been having a real tough time and first of all........

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to FM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

second,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs FM, jr}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

he is such a wise old soul in a six year old body.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to your DD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

may God keep her safe in her journey and may he return her quickly and safely home.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you tonight.

Your posting was very interesting and I would like to offer my thoughts....it has some merit. I would say that I am a "steady eddie" type--what is the female version steady edwiena (sp)?

I have an adventurous side, but was the more responsible of the two of us. When WH decided to retire (we did not discuss), I was thrust even more into the responsible role. In the past few years, we experienced various family trajedies: my mom had stroke, went to nursing home and then passed, his mom has alzheimers was moved to assisted living, his brother died unexpectedly.

He was responsible with these things, but then overloaded and tried to runaway from his problems. He found a sympatheic "ear" and other world with OW. It was new, fresh and no responsiblities. He would compare me to her and put me down...say I was a stick in the mud--would not go to movies or do anything. Excuse me?!? Before you met me, you never ate in restaurants, you never traveled, went to concerts, plays or did anything. Of course, that was his fogged out mind speaking--the WH just wanting to push me away. Even now, WH stereotypes me and thinks he knows what I want without really asking.

This summer as I was taking care of me, I remembered and did somethings I liked to do and did them without him. He kept leaving so I took myself on trips as well. If it weren't for me, I would have had a crummy summer. When I was in Plan B, I took myself to Mexico. All by myself..had a blast. It shocked the h@!! out of WH. He had forgotten how un-stick in the mud-like I was!

I have learned it is important to share interests together and if I had to do it all over again, I would have started on that one earlier. I think it is okay to get comfortable in an M, because if we were under constant threat no one would ever get close. Likewise, the comfort should not stray into taking one another for granted. Bottom line for me now, both partners should share interests together....two steady eddies going out and creating excitement together.

Don't know if that answers your question, but just my thoughts from another steady eddie-type.

Hang in there, FM.....ss

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SureSurvivor:
<strong> Hey FM,

You have been having a real tough time and first of all........

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to FM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

second,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs FM, jr}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

he is such a wise old soul in a six year old body.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to your DD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

may God keep her safe in her journey and may he return her quickly and safely home.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you tonight.


I have learned it is important to share interests together and if I had to do it all over again, I would have started on that one earlier. I think it is okay to get comfortable in an M, because if we were under constant threat no one would ever get close. Likewise, the comfort should not stray into taking one another for granted. Bottom line for me now, both partners should share interests together....two steady eddies going out and creating excitement together.

Don't know if that answers your question, but just my thoughts from another steady eddie-type.

Hang in there, FM.....ss </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the well wishes SS...I pray she will be found safe and sound...poor girl who thinks she knows it all at only 14??? My Poor baby!!

THanks for responding...I'm afraid maybe I was thinking too hard, but in there somewhere is some merit. I will make it a point to reclaim some of my intial dreams, but not to win back WW but to win back my own fire.

it would be nice to journey with someone wouldn't it? Thanks again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

So call your WS and ask her on a date--

Make a date night once or twice a month--in order to recapture some of that excitement--

Get a baby sitter and go our dancing--do some of the things you did BEFORE you married--

It's not about his having goals--it's not about his not having bills---it's about sitting at home night after night--never doing anything ALONE as a couple anymore--

FM I understand what you're saying, and undoubtedly thats true to some extent in my own case.

BUT I would also say that WS become accustomed to the 'spirit' of BS over many years of loving support too. Its not that ALL the fire is grown out of us as we progress up the greasy pole of career and maturity, its also true that WS gets so used to our 'spririt' that it no longer seems unusually attractive to them.

My spontenaity must have become boring over the years, as must my decent salary, my humour and my displays of love. Thats why she chose an unemployed old serial womaniser as her affair partner.

He truly IS the opposite to me ( as Squid told me in the Fog)and in fact I have never been paid a greater complement.

So FM YES some of the fire grows out of us BUT great changes in WS are also required in many cases I suggest in order that they choose an affair.

I have asked for squids forgiveness for many things I did to contribute to our M being 'flat' before the affair but I have not and WILL NOT apologise for maturing and providing the kind of stable, secure, loving environment that kids desperately need and that most women on earth would kill for.

Push that pen with pride FM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All blessings

Well, FM, I'm awful sure I'm much more spontaneous and fun than OM. I think it depends...

In my M I was usually the one who'd say - hey, let's stop here at this crazy place on the roadside. Hey, let's just go in this weird club. And so on.

My WW needed to have the pants flattered off her, is basically it. I was flattering to her, but it stopped working! Now she tells people all kinds of lies and exaggerations about how awful I was. Funny, I told her most every day that she was beautiful. Crazy woman. She needs someone to constantly worship the ground she walks on.

So the OM in my story is saddled with children and spousal support. I'm in a damn rock band!

I can be very responsible and sensible though. OM seems to be a romantic freakazoid. Anyway...

Hope your DD's episode is calming, FM.

GC

Bob, GC,
I think I was merely thinking too hard, when you search to understand the illogical workings of betrayal, lust and love the bunny hole just keeps on going hey? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am trying to keep my head above water these days, so many issues, so many responsibilities. I agree with you both that it's not as cut and dry as I suggested. I'm sitting her with a knives pertruding from my back wondering now how did that happen again???

Where do we go from here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I haven't read the responses yet so this might be a repeat------

FM, how about starting a thread devoted to BSs and FBSs finding our sparks?

I'd like to find my spark, but I have no idea where or how to start looking. Actually, I do know where to start. But I need to get past my self-judgment and self-criticizing of what a spark is for me.

Ok, so now I've identified what my holdup is, so if you start the thread I will want "oohs" and "ahhs" and "way to go's" even if my spark is the most boring thing in the world to everyone else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think it all still comes back to how you are fulfilling YOURSELF,not being fulfilled by someone else.If a relationship is going to last more than a few years,past the infatuation stage,you have to have a life of your own,that you find exciting or at least pleasing and that you are comfortable with,so you can SHARE that with the other person(spouse)and enjoy life's ups and downs with together.

If you are always looking toward someone else to make you happy and make you "complete",you will be failed because no one can be everything to someone and for forever.At some point,we get tired.We cannot keep our guard up all the time and you start living for someone else, not yourself,.As Dr.Phil states,we have to have a soft place to fall.After all the courtship and wining and dining,we come to a place that we are comfortable with,in each other.

If our WS's are telling us that there is no spark left well, how about MAKING one then? Why is the answer in someone else?? We know it's not due to the abysmal failure rates of A's.

You know,I get tired of this underlying theme that if we can't be a particular type of person,then we aren't as exciting or glamorous or hot.It really makes me mad when I think of the great folks here,making ends meet,taking care of their children,working hard,paying the bills,trying to make time for each other,helping in their communities and churches,supporting our spouses,trying to rebuild marriages and hanging on for dear life,RESPONSIBILITIES,etc,etc,etc and now if we don't have a "spark" or perceived "spirit" or wear our clothes a certain way or behave in a certain way that our WS's all of sudden find attractive,that all that we were and did evaporates. It's no longer important to stand up for and protect.

The excitement to me is being faithful to one person for my life,in my marriage and being as close as two can be and sharing life's joys together.Let's not forget that WS's are looking for something that was always there in the first place.Love,spirituality,self worth,self esteem,peace,serenity,happiness,etc comes from having this within first,then being able to share it with someone else.Not by trying to obtain it from someone ELSE first.For example,if you are an unhappy person before you marry,the likelyhood of you STILL being unhappy in a marriage is very high.If you were verbally abusive,marriage most likely isn't going to change that either.You carry around with you,into every aspect of your life,exactly what you are feeling inside and what you expect other's to be able to change for you.

Like Bob mentioned,I am not going to feel sorry for or blame myself(apologize) because I upheld my part in my marriage and then some.Maybe I didn't go to bed everynight wearing thongs or whatever my WH perceives was missing(yet didn't tell me) and somehow believes he has now found in the homewrecker who had no responsibilities.I may be getting a D but I know that I did my best and I will not be made to feel badly for something I did or didn't do if I wasn't made aware of it by my WH.

I know and have known exactly who I am all this time,that has never changed and never will.It is very clear to me.Because my WH made the choice to cheat does NOT change that.It does NOT change ME.*I* am still the same,a woman who loves to laugh,have fun,care for people,loves her daughters,loves chocolate,loves sci fi movies,loves long country drives,etc,etc,etc.

Folks,don't let this revolting adultery business make you think that you were livng a lie.YOU did not live a lie,your WS did.


O

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Oh well said OG.

Really, I was trying to think of exactly how to express that very thing and I'm so pleased that you nailed it so precisely.

Noodle

NOODLE!

I am not sure if you saw my post to you a couple weeks? before but we think alike.I mentioned how you seem to "speak my mind" too in some of your posts.

O

FM - Not all of us WS left our BS for excitment, a younger man, carefree life..

I left because I felt my husband was NOT mature, yes, he worked, paid the bills, bought the house, treated me well, etc. BUT,,,he just didn't seem IMHO grown-up..Had major addiction to video games (now that I look back it was probably to release stress).

Met my WH who had 2 kids, a home, job, single, I felt HE WAS A MAN....I dont' what it was about him - but I truly believed he was a man of dignity, respect,maturity...WAS I WRONG -- took me 10 years to realize it was all a front...He may be mature and a man from certain standpoints - but, he lacks what I truly thought he was..

I want someone who is responsible, mature, loving, generous, funny, smart, strong, passionate, faithful. Someone who knows who they are and knows what they want...someone spiritual..someone who loves kids...who loves life.

Hey, I want me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Once I figured out that my X and my BF cheated because they didn't know who they were or what they wanted, I ceased to put useless energy into the why of it.

Of course I was single through out my twenties and didn't have a child until I was 34. So I got all that running/excitment of dating different guys out of my system at a young age. I think that makes quite the difference in some women and men.