I just found this site, I think it is going to be a real blessing to me as I try to work through this horrible phase of my life. I do plan to get the book ordered asap.

Those of you who are farther along, can you give me any advice on my situation, is there hope?

I am 38 years old, my wife has had an affair. I am an attorney and entrepreneur and my wife has worked mostly in manufacturing since I've known her. We have very different educational levels, etc. but this has never been a problem for us in the past. It lasted about two months and I found out about it around the middle of October. It was with a supervisor at her work. She voluntarily quit the job (I didn't even ask) and has been at a new job for about a week now.

I had begun to work many hours and she felt ignored and neglected. We also have had a problem throughout our marriage with my mother who has never felt that my wife was 'good enough for me' and made her feel very unwanted, etc.

When I learned of the affair (she told me she was going to her mothers' house, but wasn't there so I began looking for her and a friend finally called her. She called me on his cell phone and told me that she had been away with him overnight and that they had slept together...this had been going on about two months (not overnight trips or sleeping together..just spending time together)). I told her on the phone that I wanted her out of the house immediately and that we would divorce..when I got home that night and saw her closet empty and her key on the counter, my heart melted and I realized how wrong I had been..we spent the next day together talking and she came home the next day and has been there since..

The first week or two after I discovered the affair seemed to be better than now, we had sex, and she acted more loving toward me then than now.

One week ago, I put my foot down when I found she had been contacting him still and told her that she had to either choose to terminate the relationship with him or I would file for divorce. She chose to terminate the relationship. Like a fool, I let her go and do this in person...she contacted him once since then..but now three days ago decided that she wanted to have no further contact with him. As far as I can tell she has not and is being honest about that. However, she is bitter, angry, resentful, etc. about no longer talking to him. She tells me that she is here with me and will be from now on, but I shouldn't expect her to be anything but miserable. She says that he is in her thoughts constantly, and that it will never go away. Yet when I told her that I would rather her contact him when she feels she must and be happier so that we can have a better chance, she says that she does not want to contact him because she is here with me (I know it was foolish to offer that, sometimes I just feel so helpless and hurt that I do stupid things)

It could be wishful thinking, but it seems partially an act to me. For instance, I went away last Friday night and just got a room to be alone and clear my head. She tried to call me fifteen times on my cell phone when I was gone. When I came home on Sat around noon she smiled and we hugged and kissed passionately for almost fifteen minutes...then it was like she remembered she was supposed to be pissed off at me. There have been many moments like this...she often tells me that she has done too much to me, that I deserve someone better..etc.

I have confronted him and told him how much I love my wife and what a terrible thing he is doing..it felt good, I am glad I did it. I also contacted the human resources director at his work (and my wife's former work) and informed her of the situation and the exposure for a sexual harassment suit it represented...while he was not terminated..he was severely repremanded. Our close friends know about the affair.

She tells me she loves me several times a day, she says that when I was absent so much due to work a part of her died and what she got from him that I couldn't give her was just looking in his eyes and knowing that he loves her...but she says she can see that in my eyes now and if she could only have known that this never would have happened...

One thing I can tell you is that every one of her friends and her family adore me and unfortunatly have felt compelled to tell her what a great person I am and what a terrible mistake she would be making to leave me and how I did not deserve this hurt...it's all very touching, but it has made her feel pressured and rebellious...it is actually an obstacle to us working things out and she says she knows this..

Is there hope for me and my marriage...I want to believe that there is..

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 06:13 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

From what you have said, it sounds like you are on the right track.

You recognise some of the things you may have done to contribute to this and you are willing to work on fixing them.

Also because when faced with a clear choice, your wife has chosen you.

I think this can bring you closer.

Hi HH,

Welcome to MB! I'm sorry that you've found your way here, but you've come to a great place...

To answer your question... YES. You can rebuild your M. Read all of the articles here on the web site and get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder...

Most importantly, find a pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going with your W. This is a great place to learn and vent, but it doesn't take the place of a professional MC...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Unfortunately, my wife is in her angry stage and is opposed to counseling...I do have faith that the time will come when I can get her there...but now to even mention it produces anger and seems counter productive... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Her anger is causing me as much hurt as discovering the affair...for instance, I decided to get up early yesterday and cook breakfast...I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. She woke up and was angry that I did it..she said that she doesn't want me or anyone else to do anything nice for her...such a difficult phase to deal with..all this anger and resentment..

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 06:21 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

HH,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Her anger is causing me as much hurt as discovering the affair...for instance, I decided to get up early yesterday and cook breakfast...I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. She woke up and was angry that I did it..she said that she doesn't want me or anyone else to do anything nice for her...such a difficult phase to deal with..all this anger and resentment..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect that her guilt is starting to work on her... Read up on Plan-A and start looking for ways to make yourself a more atrractive spouse for her... it will take some time for her to get over the OM, and you most likely will feel some of her wrath for making her "give up" the OM...

Look up Bob Pure's posts... he's the Plan-A poster boy here and did an excellent job of bringing his W out of her fog....

Semper Fi,
RIF90