I'm just wondering how long the withdrawal period is. I realize that it's gonna be different for everyone, but what have you seen?

I see Dr. H says it usually is a couple of weeks.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html
But, as you have already discovered, the first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal -- a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That seems like a short time to me. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to read it usually only lasts a few weeks, that makes it seem a little more bearable. I've been stressing that my FWW will get the urge to contact OM, and realize that if she does we start back to square one.

What steps have you all taken to help your FWS through w/d? My FWW asked me if she could call me if she felt the urge to call OM. I told her that was an excellent idea, and that would love her to do that. That way we could talk about what triggered that urge and work through it and hopefully stop her from doing it. Any other ideas out there for me?

MiF

MIF,

You are correct, withdrawal is indeed not the same for each person. I believe it depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; “sensitivity” level of the WS etc. I good estimation of the time of withdrawal can be the length of the A. If the WS have unresolved issues regarding him/herself, it can also have a big influence on recovery. I think it also depends if the WS were friends with the OP before it progressed to an A. It’s more difficult to recover from an A where it started out as friendship comparing to a situation where people start the A from the beginning and have not yet get emotionally connected and learned to care for the OP. I was friends with OM for more than 2 years before things progressed to beginning of EA. I was not in withdrawal about the EA itself. I know the EA was wrong and I felt very guilty and remorseful about it. However, the thing I was missing terribly, was the friendship I had with OM before it developed to EA. In my case, withdrawal lasted approximately 18 months before ALL withdrawal symptoms finally disappeared. I believe it took so long because OM contacted me a view times during my recovery process after the friendship ended, and even after I've send the NC-letter. I also had some mental issues and I'm using psychiatric medication chronically for 20 months now. The depression, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) and anxiety also had a influence on my recovery and time of withdrawal. 'Real recovery' for me started after I received medical help for those issues. Withdrawal also took longer if the WS still have accidental contact with the OP from time to time.

It’s very important for your W to let her feelings out if she wants to heal. Bottling up and repressing of issues will eventually lead to depression. I’m glad you want to support your W through this difficult time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here is some suggestions how to help & support your W through withdrawal:

1. Be your W’s greatest friend and confidant. Encourage her to confide in you and create an environment & atmosphere that will allow her to feel safe and secure to reveal her innermost feelings to you. Maybe you can start to be honest with her about you innermost thoughts and feelings and in the process encourage her to open up towards you too without the fear that you will Love Bursting or criticize or judge her.

2. Be you W’s ‘sounding-board’ during this difficult time. Whenever possible and whenever you feel strong enough, listen to her with empathy, understanding & care. Continue to communicate your negative feelings too, but do it without being judgmental or love bursting. I know this is a lot to ask and will still be hard to do sometimes, but you WILL receive the benefits, especially when both of you are further in recovery!

3. Realize that your W will go through stages and feelings of guilt, self-rejection etc. During this times, try to let him feel accepted, tell her that she made a mistake, but has decided to turn away and follow the right path. During times like this remind her that he is forgiven by both you and God. Remember, sometimes feelings of shame and guilt and fear to hurt you again, can prevent her from being totally honest and open to you about her feelings.

4. Assure and tell your W that she must feel free to talk to you whenever she needs it of feels like it… Encourage her to speak to you whenever she feels ‘down’. If it feels okay with you, ask her about her feelings and show interest and concern about her feelings out of your own. As a FWW it was very difficult to overcome my own pain, loss and grief and on the same time dealt with the pain I've caused my H. I know it would have meant the world to me if my H could ask me about my feelings, without me initiating the subject.

5. If you W needs to talk and you feel it’s not the right time for you at that moment, have the courage to tell her that you really want to listen to her, but on another time when you feel stronger and ready to listen. At the same time your W must also have the understanding and care to allow you to be honest towards her too. This is really a give and take situation. Your W must also encourage YOU to speak to HER whenever you need it or feels like it. On this way both of you will help each other to heal and recover. On this way you will become EACH OTHER’S greatest friends and confidants.

6. You can convince your W to read and post on this board. Support and help from experienced members here will also help her through this difficult time.

Hope this will help!

One last thing... Remember, the pain “deserved” for your W is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. So, be patient with both you and your W and give it enough time and patience… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

MIF - My WW has shown no symptoms of withdrawl in the 2 months since DDay. This worries me tremendously. Her A lasted around 3 years and was friends with the OM prior to the A. WW maintains it was only EA and says no contact since NC phone call. Yes, I'm very suspicious and continue to look for ways they are in contact but have found none.

Congratulations on getting this far, I've read some of your posts.

Thanks Suzet, I'll also use your suggestions

suzet,Thank you that is exactly what I have been trying/planning on doing.

hurtin' at home,
Thanks, the last two months have been hell, but I do see a change in the last few days that my FWW is trying and does seem more set on working on saving our M.

MiF

I would say withdrawal lasted a couple of months in some form for my FWW. The key is NC must be in play or it will continue. 8 months later, thoughts of the OM still are there for her but she doesn't act on those thoughts.

Dig down deep and help her come back one day at a time. Patience and understanding are very important for you and her both. Throw away all your pride and you have a chance to recover. It is a very slow and painful process for the BS and the WS to deal with. Remember, there are no Winners, only Survivors as a result of an affair.

TooSoon

TOOSOON is being very realistic when recommending to throw away your pride. I find my situation to be very humiliating. But after talking with my WW I decided that; 1) not only did I want my marriage to survive, 2) I believed she wanted to fix our marriage and make things right. Then it was a horse pill to swallow. Keep up the good work!

Hurtin'

MIF,

We are still battling through the withdrawal, but I think maybe I see a little faint light at the end of the tunnel. It has now been 2 weeks since the last contact w/ OM, but it seems that she at least realizes now that she can get through it, and is sharing how she feels about it with me.

HAH. Please be very careful. The fact that my ww had not gone through w/d led me to do some more investigating, and lo-and-behold she was still in contact with OM. I would be very suspicious of no w/d symptoms unless it was some time of one-night-stand, or she ended it before you found out.

trippn - I'll heed your advise, I am being very careful. I continue to investigate (watchdog on my home PC and monitering phone lines at home) but would appreciate any additional suggestions.

MIF - My point is, at the stage I'm in I do consider this a war to save my marriage. Plan A the WW, but don't be stupid, verify to rebuild trust. IMHO of course.

Hurtin' at home,

I can understand why you feel concerned about the fact that your W doesn't experience any withdrawal. This can be an indication of continuous contact with the OP, but I just want to let you know that from what I've read here, not ALL FWS's experience withdrawal. Here is a thread on this you can read: Did any other FWS not go through withdrawal?. There is some FWW’s who don't go through withdrawal, but this ‘phenomenon’ mostly happens to FWH’s (males) because woman is deeper involved with feelings/emotions and it’s more difficult for woman to recover and overcome the emotional part of an A than for men. But no withdrawal can happen to FWW's (females) as well. Just something to keep in mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 03:32 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

I don't mean to threadjack here, but I really had to say THANK YOU SUZET!!! I have been searching and searching for some information on FWS who don't really go through withdrawal. I went through a false recovery, worrying that FWH wasn't experiencing withdrawal, only to find out that it was because he was still talking to OW on the phone every friggin day. Well, that's supposedly over now, but I have had such a hard time believing it due to all the things I read on this forum about withdrawal. There are days I'm convinced of NC and days I'm convinced otherwise. I've seriously questioned my sanity lately. Anyway, thank you again, Suzet, for sharing that old thread. You really helped me on a day when I really needed it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MIF - Thanks for starting the thread. Hope all is going well.

Suzet - I'm beginning to wonder if my WWs A had run its course and was dying a natural death when it was discovered. Thus the emotional attachment was waning. Thank for the redirection. Your comments are much appreciated.

Hurtin'

SJ’sViolet & Hurtin’ at home –

I'm glad my post and the link to that old thread could be of help to you.

Take care, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet