My H told me that he would delete the OP's phone number from his cell. He showed me that her names was gone, and I let it go at that. UNTIL last night he left his cell downstairs with me, and I could not help myself, I picked it up and looked throught the address book to see if he just changed the spelling or somethings. Sure enough there was a new entry named "bob"- we have a neighbor by that name, and he has a hunting buddy- but it still striked an interest. I opened the number up and yep- you guessed it, her numbers, cell, home, work were all under the alias "bob". I am hurt and angry. he is being deceitful about this and what else I wonder!!

My question is to I contfront him with my knowledge- or stew on it?

I am so sick of what his A has done to our M AND our family. I deserve more then this. When am I going to learn?

Am I making too much out of a phone number? But why does he need it if he is in NC?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T in the road:
<strong> My H told me that he would delete the OP's phone number from his cell. He showed me that her names was gone, and I let it go at that. UNTIL last night he left his cell downstairs with me, and I could not help myself, I picked it up and looked throught the address book to see if he just changed the spelling or somethings. Sure enough there was a new entry named "bob"- we have a neighbor by that name, and he has a hunting buddy- but it still striked an interest. I opened the number up and yep- you guessed it, her numbers, cell, home, work were all under the alias "bob". I am hurt and angry. he is being deceitful about this and what else I wonder!!

My question is to I contfront him with my knowledge- or stew on it?

I am so sick of what his A has done to our M AND our family. I deserve more then this. When am I going to learn?

Am I making too much out of a phone number? But why does he need it if he is in NC? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this KMEJ? You changed your name right?

Sorry about the revelation. No marriage advice here, just some good thoughts for you. Sorry about the Vikings game, that was one damn good game to watch. They almost pulled it off. With your husband, it is all the same old thing, just a different day. Why are you suprised? What would be different this time? YOu seemed to be at peace with all of this last week, so confronting him with this information is NOT likely to change him or do anything BUT cause a fight. Just my .02, I am not quite sure why you are so upset girl, this is all standard operating procedure for him.

Just to echo what Lemonman said...this appears to be par for the course. It's sad..but not surprising.

You asked whe he would still need the numbers..obviously, he keeps them in case he needs to call them.

It's time to take a stand, IMO.

Thanks Lemonman and AndrewA-
Yes T in the Road and KMEJ are one in the same. I changed it so family who like to pop in here time and again are not so easy in finding me...

I guess I am not surprised. Just ticked off. Games, all these stupid silly games. I am tired of playing.

What do you think he would do if I accepted one of the many numbers that get offered to me at my second job? I am considered one of the "hot girls" there (I do not agree- but it is a nice compliment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I get hit on all the time, and they all get the same answer. Sorry I am married- but thank you.

Seriously- I am begining to think he lied to me about her quiting her job- as he works there occasionally and I said I would go through the roof. She started dateing the kitchen manager at her new resterant- at least this one was not married. However it is not aloud for management to date the help- so H told me she quit this time so that the Manager would not get fired like him. Nice morals.

I just want to be happy- H is showing effort now, as he told his boss he needed time with the wife, (that is what he calls me) and he took next weekend off- so I did too. He has the whole weekend planned- down to babysitters, and the only thing I know of is the Vikings game... Hopefully it will be good.

As for the Vikings game Yesterday- WE WERE ROBBED. The refs had their pockets lined. I mean please how many holding calls could they have possiably missed that were shown on Instant replay alone? And the fumble recovery- please, we came out of the pile with it, Instant replay showed Ross on top of it, but hey lets give it to the Packers. Okay, I will stop here, as I could take up two pages alone on this subject. Yes it was a good game, both teams played well. I just do not agree with some of the decisions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

T in the ROAD,

If you don't respect yourself enough to demand complete honesty from WS, what reason does WS have to respect YOU?

Just my opinion.

Sad but true fact:
H knows I am terrified of being alone- plays on that fact.

How does one continue to demand respect when one tries and either gets ignored, the finger, told "what ever" or yelled at? It eats away at you over time.

I demand respect in every other aspect but him, I wonder why that is?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T in the road:
<strong> Sad but true fact:
H knows I am terrified of being alone- plays on that fact.

How does one continue to demand respect when one tries and either gets ignored, the finger, told "what ever" or yelled at? It eats away at you over time.

I demand respect in every other aspect but him, I wonder why that is? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, I think this is something that we all have been over with you a million times over already. You know it, we know, he knows it. You are 100% responsible for the way you feel. Your husband has declared to you a thousand times over what his character and morality are all about, during and since the affair. You have clearly accepted this behavior and have actually enabled it. Your desire to stay married to him and continue this relationship is YOUR DOING....you wanted this marriage and man, well you gotta em'. I think you need a tough love 2 x 4 here. It doesn't matter one iota what your husband says. His actions speak volumes. You may be trying to "marriage build" and "support your husband"., but what you have done is enabled his behavior. I don't for the life of me see why you are so suprised, I really don't. ARE YOU HONESTLY HERE SUPRISED BY ALL OF THIS?

T in the road: YOU continue to let this happen, so you have to be willing to accept the consequencesa of this. Do you understand what I am saying? These feelings you have ARE A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR OWN DOING AND CHOICES. Perhaps, this will make you feel better with all of this. I don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

T,

Click on this link and read what Dr. Dobson has to say about marriage in crisis.

Love Must Be Tough Series

Its pretty obvious he has no intention of NC. I guess you have to decide whether this is acceptable to you or not.

To be honest with you, that is one of the things that really pushed me over the edge. When I found out my wife had disquised the OM phone number in her cell phone book under his wifes name. Just thinking me WW could be so sneaky and deceitful really scared me and made me think "Do I really want to be married to someone like this?"

All the best,

Miker

Lemonman- when did I say I was surprised? I had a feeling that is why I checked. yes I am a glutten for punishment. I keep staying with a man that does not respect me. I see all the good in him and ignore the bad. I am not as strong as you. How you were able to walk away from someone so easy I will never know.

I know that I make my own decisions.

Do you honestly believe that I am 100% responsible for how I feel? Am I suppose to just be happy with the fact that my H is lieing to me, just so I feel happy? Yes I know that I am the one who choses to stay, even though none of you understand why I do. I am actually beginning to wonder why I even post. I look like an idiot, and my head hurts from all the 2x4's- use some advise- and still I am back to square one.

Oh-hum

I will print that off and read it tonight. Thank you. I have that book at home actually- just have not read it, I think I should.

Miker- How did you confront your wife with that information, and then what did you do with it?

I am sick of the games. H says he is not talking to her, then why keep the numbers in his phone? For crying out loud apease me and right them down and hide them if you need them so badly- (so I can throw them away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and deleate them out of your ever present cell phone.

My situation was different than yours. The cell phone thing was discovered on D-day. That's the info I used to get the courage up to confront her.

She doesn't know that's what was the final straw for me. But when I confronted her with the affair I basically gave her the choice. Either you leave the OM and work on the M or you leave us (our family). She chose to leave the M.

That's where we still sit today, there has been no attempt at R so I'm in quite a different situation than you.

Its pretty obvious to me that your H doesn't want to do NC. If he did he wouldn't disquise her number.

T

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you honestly believe that I am 100% responsible for how I feel? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ABSOLUTELY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T in the road:
<strong> Lemonman- when did I say I was surprised? I had a feeling that is why I checked. yes I am a glutten for punishment. I keep staying with a man that does not respect me. I see all the good in him and ignore the bad. I am not as strong as you. How you were able to walk away from someone so easy I will never know.

I know that I make my own decisions.

Do you honestly believe that I am 100% responsible for how I feel? Am I suppose to just be happy with the fact that my H is lieing to me, just so I feel happy? Yes I know that I am the one who choses to stay, even though none of you understand why I do. I am actually beginning to wonder why I even post. I look like an idiot, and my head hurts from all the 2x4's- use some advise- and still I am back to square one.

Oh-hum </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, no 2 x 4 here (you can relax <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I know you didn't say you seem suprised, but when you post something like:

"I am so sick of what his A has done to our M AND our family. I deserve more then this. When am I going to learn?"

YOu convey that you were duped again and this has you upset.....as if your husband was going to "change" this time.

And, YES FOR THE RECORD, I do feel that you are 100% responsible for how you feel. If you feel like $hit because your husband is in all 100% LIKELIHOOD still being unfaitful to you and treating you like a pound of dog excrement, then ONLY you can do something about it. YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR HUSBAND, YOU CAN'T. The man is who he is----for better or worse.

I don't know what you want from the posters here. Do you want pity for the situation you are in? That train left weeks ago. You are choosing this life for yourself. I don't know why you are making me out to be the bad guy here ( I know that is a fashionable thing on this board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I am just telling you what you DON'T want to hear.

And to answer you other statement: "How you were able to walk away from someone so easy I will never know."

Well, it was NOT easy, but it was something that I had to do for my own self being. IT WAS ONE OF THE HARDESET THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. I MAY CONVEY TO YOU THAT IT WAS EASY, BUT IT WAS NOT. I have too much dignity and self esteem to stay with someone who betrayed me MULTIPLE TIMES. Why is this so HARD for people to understand? My STBEX had her chance with me (she actually had multiple chances) and I COULD NOT LIVE WITH MYSELF IF I CONTINUED TO LET her do this to me. Removing myself from this situation was the best thing that I could have ever done for my life. I am not saying that is what you have to do, but in the mean time you have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Your husband is who he is, and you have chosen to accept him this way, so you just "have to live with it" untill you no longer can.

I won't be giving you any more advice (2 x 4's)FROM HERE ON OUT as I do NOT want to drive you from this board. I think at this time in your life you need this board. Best wishes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

K,

I also will tell you. Yes I miss her a lot and I'm lonely. But I was lonely in my marriage too, so its a bit worse but not much. What I don't miss, however, is the paranoia and worry I was forced to endure when I thought about the OM. Now its not my problem its their problem so I have a bit of space to get on with my life. Its still not easy but its different and I think my self-esteem is improving which I can tell is something that you've really gotten beat up on.

Take Care,

Miker

Lemonman, please do not stop posting to me. I was on a pity train this morning I guess- at least that was how it came across. NOT what I entended- or really what I felt. I do not feel bad for myself, I feel for the situation. I do continue to leave myself in this boat. Afraid that if I step off I will drown-even though I am a strong swimmer.

Miker-
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I remember that stage all too well. Lonely and betrayed, but yet free to feel and be yourself. Being able to parent your children and take care of yourself first instead of always wondering about the OP. It is freeing (is that a word <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

For all else. I am sorry for the way I posted this morning. I am me, I am responsable for what I chose to let others do to me, and for staying in my current situation. I just wanted to post my frustrations. I was not meaning to get a pity party started here.

Yes I know that I am the one who choses to stay, even though none of you understand why I do.

Excuse me for butting in...

T,

That is not necessarily true. TOO many of us know why you stay. TOO many of us have been right where you are today. TOO many of us know about it all too well. Don't be thinking that no one understands your situation. It's the same situation as many of us have been in...it's just in a different city...state...country.

I am actually beginning to wonder why I even post. I look like an idiot, and my head hurts from all the 2x4's- use some advise- and still I am back to square one.

Why do you post? I do not mean that confrontational either. What are you looking for from the posters here? You have been at this quite awhile now.

At the risk of offending you...and others...I *feel* that you are seeking some type of help from a forum that cannot help you. In seeking that help, it is preventing you from seeking REAL help...in real life.

There is only so much people can do here.

With you, it's the same sh*t ...it's just a different day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

There are many people on this site that will tell you what you want to hear, and disguise it under the word "support". The end result is that it prevents you from taking action. "Support" sometimes can just be a PC word for "enabling".

The people on this particular thread are trying to get you to see that. Just because they haven't jumped on some type of bandwagon...and are joining in with a chorus of "kum ba ya" it doesn't mean they don't care.

IMHO
committed

K,

Thanks... I know you're going through a tough time as well.

How long were you and H apart? What were the conditions (if any) you set when you got back together? Would H consider MC? Then at least he would be accountable to a 3rd party for his behaviour (the MC).

I probably would have given up on him long ago if I were you, but I appreciate your determination in trying to make your M work.

Committed.
I agree with you. To answer some questions

1.I come here because it is nice to know I am not alone.

2.To voice my concerns, with out fear of being laughed at, or abandoned.

3. TO try to offer some form of insight from my experience to others so they do not have to go through the same pain and mistakes taht I did.

4. Because I like everyone here.

5. Some miracle fix that I am over seeing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am sorry that I have the same [censored] a different day. I live it, I have good days and bad days. I am just trying to fix my life, with out all the tools I guess.

I realize I should get some more outside help. Maybe that would help.

I just keep thinking, I can do this, tomorrows another.

Miker-
H and I were seperated from 4/25/2003 until 3/?/04. I did not set any real boundaries just that she HAD to be GONE. H suggested that we move.
I have asked H several times to go to a MC with me, he says no, that there is nothing they will tell him that he does now already know. I keep bringing it up in hopes that he will change his mind.

Last known contact that H has TOLD me about was back in June on her birthday. He called to wish her a Happy Birthday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> came home with a big bottle of Vodka and wanted me to drink with him and feel badly for him. I am sorry but I let him cry on my shoulder enough about this person he betrayed me for- I am not going to anymore. I left and went out with Friends. Came home, crawled into bed with DS.

H says that he is done with her, just that he is concerned for her. I told him it was no longer his concern. His reply is he cared for her and the place she is in now is his fault! I then say well then I can stay in contact with ****, because I too once cared about him and he is where he is because of me. H gets mad, and just does not get it.

I honestly think he is accomadateing me by changeing her name in his phone. He has been showing some effort lately. I just expect that NC means NC- including NO PHONE NUMBER>< = Yea I know I a making a big deal out of something so trivial- however, what other reason does he keep her # for if not to contact her????? NONE I do not care what he says...

See Lemonman- I am LISTEN!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just have a hard head, a big heart, and look for the best. Sorry if I hurt your feelings!!