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Joined: Sep 2004
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(edited to change subject)

I have discovered that my WW is reading my posts here. Not sure what this means or if I should ask her to stop.

About a week ago or so, I began posting here after lurking for a month or so. At home, my wife entered the room as I was looking at a reply to my post and I immediately minimized the screen. She asked what I was doing, and I initially told her that it was none of her business, but then showed her what I was doing, because I do feel like we need to be as open and honest with each other as possible.

After she started to look at it she told me, "I am glad you have some support here, I don't feel like I should be reading this". She basically said that she felt that she was invading my privacy by reading this, and was uncomfortable. Now on several occasions I have noticed that she is checking up on the board and reading all of my posts, and replies.

I have mixed feelings about this. Like I said, I want to be honest and open, but I am wondering why she continues to check if she feels it is an invasion of privacy.

I am especially confused, because she is very uncomfortable with me checking her e-mail and phone log etc.

What do you all think? Good, Bad, neither??

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: trippnbillies ]</small>

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First off I guess I would like to say "Hi" to your FWW then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well could be good since your in recovery. But if that changes you need to protect yourself. The moderators here can remove your posts if need be. Also you can change your visable name quite easily. Just a few things to keep in mind.

I would suggest that if she is going to read your posts that you require her to talk to you about how they make her feel. Are you both spending the 15 hrs. a week together that is required to rebuild your M?

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Hi TnB,

I think this can be a positive thing... My W doesn't post here or read here, but I'm always aware of what I write just as if she's standing right by me...

It may be good for her to see some of the pain that you are dealing with... and it may give you an opportunity to discuss some of your feelings with her.

Now, if she reads your posts and starts feeling like you are using the MB boards to bash her, then it's definitely going to be a huge LB for her... so think before you hit the send button!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

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I would like to say hello to the Mrs. as well. She has already read some of my work, probably thinks I am crazy some of the things I said she might do. I agree with the earlier statement, if you two talk about what is posted, then it is good. If she just uses it to spy on you and get info she can "use" against you, then not good.

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trippn,

Anonymity is an underlying theme for this board. BUT if you are uncomfortable with your WW reading your posts, you must look at them and ask why. We ask radical honesty from our WS's, I hope that we are held to the SAME standard.

My WW may or may not be reading this, she has read SAA(or so she says). I for one have no problems with her reading. Quite honestly if she was reading these boards it could only help. There are some very brave FWWs here!!!!!!

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

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I agree. I hope that if she reads it, it will help her understand how I feel. I am inclined to think that she wants to know how I feel, as well as to see what everyone else is telling me.

Now, a new Chapter in this saga. If you read my story you will know that after D-Day, my wife violated NC for about 2 months behind my back. She opened a new hotmail account, and hid it from me. I discovered that she had a new account, and confronted her. She has since kept NC, and I am very proud of her. She has had a difficult time with some Withdrawal/sadness.

To make a long story short I never got the password from her to this e-mail account and it has been about 2 weeks. I believe that she has not used it, or called OM. However, today at noon I asked her for the password because I wanted to check and see if OM had tried to contact her.

This made her very angry, and she became very upset with me. I told her that I needed to know that there had been NC, and that meant to make sure OM had not written her. If he is trying to contact her I want to know because if he doesn't reach her via e-mail I believe he will only escalate his attempts. Of course, WW tells me that he won't contact her because she told him not to. I tell WW that I don't trust HIM.

Needless to say this turned into a big LB. However, I don't see any other way around it. I believe that I need to know what is going on. She of course says that she feels her life is being "rifled through".

She did finally share the password with me and we checked the account together. There were no e-mails from the OM.

I really don't want to violate her privacy, and quite frankly felt proud of myself that I had let 2 weeks go by before asking for it. I also feel good that there has been two weeks and he has not attempted to e-mail her.

It is frustrating that the very thing that is helping me to re-build trust with her is the very thing that pushes her away.

By the way, to be fair to WW she doesn't think that we should have to check that account because I have software on the computer now that I can see if she has been on that account. But again, my main purpose was to see if OM was attempting contact.

WW feels that it shouldn't matter to either of us if OM is attempting contact, she is going to stick to NC no matter what.

Help me please!!!

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No way around it, the trust thing. I'm dealing witht he same thing. WW's seem to be saying "I know I did this but you should trust me." Fact is, I don't trust her at all and i need proof that the activities aren't continuing. BS's are Doubting Thomas's, we have to see to believe. WW's just don't get that they have to earn our trust and if that means being an open book, that than that is what it is going to take.

Honey, it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I DON'T trust you. Be honest with your W. You don't trust her and she shouldn't blame you for that. Trust needs to be earned. And, you don't trust him, did you ever? Here is a solution, the email account should be closed (can you do that?).

It does matter if he tries to contact her. Each time she gets an email from him it brings back memories, feelings, that he is still thinking of her and it makes it harder to recover.

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: Bear04 ]</small>

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The MB board is therapy to me.

When W and I went to MC the therapist brought up topics and we discussed them. Being honest with each other. It greatly helped the communication.

So it would generally be a good thing if both parties came here to view and then discussed their feeling and ideas and concerns.

Ranting and raving and venting threads would not be good to view by the partner...do ya think?

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Doesn't the Harley philosophy entail NO privacy? I thought I read that there should be transparancy in the relationship. NO passwords, separate mail boxes, etc.

Please correct me if I am wrong.

k

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You're right. Total transparency.

Venting, I need a place to vent and get feedback. I think it's better I vent here than on W.

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Bear, being that it is a hotmail account it cannot be closed. All you can do is not access it for 30 days and then they will close it.

I told WW that I don't want to check it ever again, but wanted to know what OM was up to.

Harley does reccomend complete transparency, and no secrets, but how do I get WW to understand the importance of it? Right now it seems to me that she is defining herself as a person by the secrets she keeps. If she doesn't have any secrets, then she is not "herself".

I wish that she could understand that nothing would make me happier than to feel that I didn't need to check it. I am looking forward to the day that I don't have those thoughts.

Why can't she understand that the only reasons I have to check it are her previous untruths?


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