For anyone who remembers me, just thought I'd update on here.

The final DV decree has been signed by both STBXH and myself, is in my attorney's hands, and most likely will be final sometime tomorrow if everything goes okay when my attorney appears in court on my behalf.

On one hand, it's hard to believe that STBXH's affair has been going on for over a year now. On the other hand, this whole thing went way too fast!

I am holding up okay today, but have a feeling that when it all sinks in tomorrow, I'm going to have a major crash. I feel the tears just sitting there ready to come pouring out.

This isn't how I wanted things to end. So why did I file? (Okay, I know why--to protect myself and my children emotionally and financially, and because it's hard to be M to a man who is living with and sleeping with OW). But why couldn't HE have been the bad guy?

On the positive, the decree states that I have primary physical custody of my daughter, which has been a concern recently, as she has toyed with the idea of living with them. She still could, but in order to get child support changed, he'd have to take me back to court. I doubt he's willing to do that, so I think (hope!) her stay with them would be short-lived, if it happens at all.

I am also keeping 55% of my 401k instead of splitting it exactly equal. Small consolation, perhaps, but still a tiny thing in my favor.

It will be nice when everything I see or hear in life doesn't create some kind of trigger, good or bad, of my life with him.

It all seems very unreal for some reason.

LL

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

as always continued prayers to you, RR

Dear Lordslady,

My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Sometimes it probably better to close a bad chapter and move on. I am still in marriage counseling and recovery with the husband, but I have also thought about what would it be like to be divorced.

Hi,
I don't post much here anymore but I still lurk.

My heart goes out to you.

My trial date for D is coming soon and like you I'm holding up ok now, but fear a crash is not too far behind!

I also filed for financial reasons only, the A has been going on for 2 years now!

My children and I will be ok, but just ok is not good enough....I'm not sure I can ever forgive WH for that.

My only consolation is that I know WH is not really happy at all.....substance/alcohol abuse also.....and deep down he knows what he has lost....

Good luck to you....this is not easy...but somehow, somewhere we find the strength to carry on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am holding up okay today, but have a feeling that when it all sinks in tomorrow, I'm going to have a major crash. I feel the tears just sitting there ready to come pouring out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ll,

It is ok to grieve for the marriage...and what it should have been. You have done the best that you could with what you had to work with.

His alcoholism is not going to allow for him to be a good partner to anyone at this time in his life.

Your life will go on...with new people...new experiences. Don't sit in your house waiting for them to find you...you go and find them.

I am sending my best thoughts to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

committed

LL, I am very sorry it came down like this. I wish it could have turned out better for you, but I think this is the best thing under the circumstances. Gosh, you just deserve so much better. Hang in there, girl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL

You didn't end this marriage, your H did. He has inflicted what was/is a mortal wound to your union. With no apologies. You could choose to continue to be dragged into the abyss that he has created or take the step you have.

I have no doubt you will be be deeply affected by the divorce. Expect it. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

Sorry for your pain and the fact that it had to come to this. No advice here, just support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL ...... sometimes you crack me up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are not "the bad guy" because you filed!!!

Ho~Ho~Ho (as Santa would say)

You did the best you could with the "raw material" that came with the situation.... MB methods are not recommended when there is an added issue of addiction or abuse.

Your M was no longer a safe or a healthy place for you to remain.

Recognizing that fact, then choosing out of the chaos does not make YOU "the bad guy".... It makes you "the sane one".... "the healthy one"....

Love ya,

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MB methods are not recommended when there is an added issue of addiction or abuse.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing I've noticed between the two boards (GQII and D/D) is that it seems that while I was over here initially trying to save the M, there were very few people who were dealing with an alcoholic. Over on D/D, there are several who share my problem with a spouse (or soon to be ex-spouse) with an alcohol addiction.

It seems that no matter how I wanted to believe otherwise, dealing with infidelity in an alcoholic does not follow the normal rules and the marriage seems to have a much lower chance of surviving, especially when the OW is a very manipulative, controlling much-younger woman with no job and everything to gain by giving the affair all she has in her.

Right now, she doesn't care that he is an alcoholic. She has a home. Her daughters have a father-figure (such as he is, and I do think he's better with her baby than he used to be). She has a man to love her and take her places. And of course, don't forget, he's taking her to PARIS at the end of this month! He paid the restitution to get her drivers license back. he bought a car that she drives all the time. And so far, she's only had to work for 30 days at a temporary job. Otherwise, she stays at home with her toddler.

She's referred to herself as my daughter's step-mother to a couple people. I sense marriage in the future, if she gets her way, and she seems to get it 100% of the time.

-----------------------------------------------

So, when the attorney calls me tomorrow to tell me I'm a single woman, how do I make myself feel not married to the guy I've been married to for almost two decades??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm sitting here by myself as always--daughter is out with friends--and feeling some serious anxiety tonight. Like someone squeezing my throat.

Tomorrow ought to be just a barrel of laughs.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL,like PEP said you are the sane one. hang in their you will be fine,like committed said it is fine to grive for what the M should have been but in time all wounds heal!

wishing you much stringth
dmb1967

First message I pulled from my phone when I got to work this morning was from my attorney. He's already been before the judge.

My divorce is final. I am no longer married. Done. Just like that.

Feel like someone punched me in the pit of my stomach.

LL

"So, when the attorney calls me tomorrow to tell me I'm a single woman, how do I make myself feel not married to the guy I've been married to for almost two decades???

I'm sitting here by myself as always--daughter is out with friends--and feeling some serious anxiety tonight. Like someone squeezing my throat.

Tomorrow ought to be just a barrel of laughs.."

LL, you know what you need to do, you need to go straight to the Lord in prayer and ask him for his grace and his wisdom to get you through this next chapter in your life and he WILL. He has said that if we make our requests known to him that he will give us our hearts desires. sometimes we don't even know what our heart's true desire is but God does and if we pray and obey then he will reveal that to us. God bless and be in church the next time the doors are open, prayers to you, RR

You don't know me, really - but I wanted to say "God will bless you." Be the best person you can be for the rest of your life and start building new experiences.

You and your daughter should go somewhere this evening - someplace you've never been before - and build a new memory together so that when you look back you can remember something besides just the bad part.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. (Trite, but true in your case.) Make new plans. Set new goals. Don't look back. Redecorate your home. I don't advocate spending much, but rearrange the furniture - change the bedroom, especially. Change it a lot. Paint is cheap, and new sheets and bedspread or whatever will make you feel better. If you can't afford stuff, buy some dye and recolor the sheets you have.

Sit down and make a list of your new goals - better job, better education, whatever, and outline the steps it will take to get there.
Do this with your daughter - she needs to set goals, too. Decide what you can do to support each other. Make a pledge with her and put it in writing.

Reconnect with old friends. By mail or phone. Find support in a church if you don't have one.
And keep coming here. You have a lot of healing to do. People here will continue to help you. Do not think of yourself as a loser. Think of yourself as a victorious survivor. God bless you.

Goodbye to bad rubbish!

I swear if I thought I had to read one more disgusting thing that Mr. Personality pulled I would have gone right through the computer.

Now you can find happiness, real happiness!

Bless you Lordslady...

Wishing all the best for you in your new found freedom from his pain and abuse, and very troubled soul.

weaver

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

As Painful as it is....at least you are now Free to begin creating your new life without all the doubt, drama and indecision.

However, I know that change is scary.

May the REST of your life be all you want it to be!

Wishing you only success in ALL you choose to Do and pursue.

Blessings to you and your family.

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Hi {{{LL}}},

You have received some nice replys here but I know it won't take the pain away.It's like telling a mother who just miscarried that she can have more children.You do have to grieve this marriage,that you just lost,in your own time.Let it happen.It's hard to feel the pain but it's necessary to forge a path to healing and a better way of life.All in due time.

Like Dr.Phil says( I love this statement):"I would rather be healthy alone than sick and with someone".Doesn't that sum up what you have gone through? It doesn't make it any easier for sure but your WH was sick,IS sick.

Also,like Binder said and how I have felt that everyone needs to know here: when you file for a D,it is not failure! Not when you are here,trying so hard to rebuild the marriage,doing all you can.Your WH failed YOU.It's to no one's benefit to hang onto something that is no longer there,you're grasping at air.The marriage,as you knew it and as you hoped it would be,is gone.It is for me too.Take heart! You WILL be ok! You just need to find your strength.I wish I could give you some right now.I seem to have a lot of it lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I will say a prayer for you LL.Tonight when I wish all the MB folks the best outcome,God willing.

O

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

LL,

Gary Louris from the Jayhawks wrote this:

Wake up, put your shoes on
Take a breath of the northern air
And rub those eyes
Genuflect beneath the starry skies

Before you climb the mountain
First the foothills must appear
Step high and light
And take up your staff and shining armor

Chin up, chin up
You don't really have a problem
Chin up, chin up
In your hour of despair

And smile when you're down and out
Find something inside you
Smile when you're down and out
Find something inside you
Smile

The stars on the horizon
Stretch as far as the eyes can see
They represent the souls of those like you and me

And smile when you're down and out
Find something inside you
Smile when you're down and out
Find something inside you
Smile

Chin up, chin up
You don't really have a problem
Chin up, chin up
In your hour of despair

And smile when you're down and out
Find something inside you
Smile when you're down and out
Find something inside you

GC

LL, I know how you feel. I've been there. God will comfort you if you'll let Him. And while you're accepting comfort, accept it from yourself as well. It's hard to stay with emotions that are so strong and terrible, but do -- allow yourself to feel them fully. Name them as you feel them. Accept them. Understand them... and let them wash you clean like rain. They will.

Blessings on you and your home.

LL,

{{{Hugz}}} Sorry for the bad news but you have within you the ability to turn this into a learning experience to help yourself and others.

Right now take the time you need for you and your family. Let us know how we can help.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.