Dear LL:

Congratulations to you. You may wonder why? You do not feel like this is a day to celebrate, but it is. You are free. You can begin a life that is different. That is much closer to what you want. Your H was the wrong man for you. You have certainly tried all and everything to fix your M. But you had to realize that it takes two to be successful at that endeavor. He did not help.

Set new goals. Now you can start learning French in evening classes and then you can go to Paris yourself. You can do so many things and the best of it is that you do not have to worry about your ex-H anymore.

Here is a song I love:
She's Not Just A Pretty Face

Written by Shania Twain/R.J. Lange
(Recorded by Shania Twain)

She hosts a T.V. show - she rides the rodeo
She plays the bass in a band
She's an astronaut -
a valet in a parking lot
a farmer working on land
She is a champion - she gets the gold
She's a ballerina - the star of a show


She's - not - just a pretty face
She's - got - everything it takes
She has a fashion line -
a journalist for "Time"
Coaches a football team
She's a geologist- a romance novelist
She is a mother of three
She is a soldier - she is a wife
She is a surgeon - she'll save your life

She's - not - just a pretty face
She's - got - everything it takes
She's - mother - of the human race
She's - not - just a petty face

She is your waitress - she is your judge -
she is your teacher
She is every woman in the world

She flies an airplane -
she drives a subway train
At night she pumps gasoline
She's on the council - she's on the board
She's a politician - she praises the Lord


No, she's (she's) not (not) -
just a pretty face
She's (she's) got (got) - everything it takes
She's - not - just a pretty face
She's got everything it takes
She's not just a pretty face

-----------------------------------------------

LL, you've got everything it takes...
Keep your chin up and face your new life straight on.

All the best to you,

Thanks for all your very caring comments. I'm actually holding together better than I thought, but then again, I think that's because I don't feel any different than I did yesterday. I still feel married, but not living with him. Weird, huh?

I tried thinking, "Hey, I could go out on a date tonight and it wouldn't be wrong." But that thought made me really uncomfortable, so I went back to the "married but alone" thing again.

The latest turn of events has me a little worried. I was looking through my records because I haven't received any child support from him for a couple weeks. (He sends checks through the court--not garnishing his wages at this point). So I sent OW a text asking what the date of the last check was, in case I was just missing something. No response as of yet.

Then it dawns on me that he's been getting all these envelopes from his bank (still addressed to this address--a pain because I still feel obligated to make sure they get them, so I accumulate and send with OW occasionally).

I was thinking "wow, he's sure moving his money around a lot". Yesterday another came, and I realized, "you know, these look a lot like the envelopes that an overdraft notice would come in".

Tonight, it hits me. I think they're broke! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I knew it would happen sooner or later, with OW still not working and them trying to live off his income. So shame on me, but I asked my daughter if her dad had said anything to her about their money situation and she said, "Yeah, I think they're running out."

Confirms my suspicions! That's why, I'm fairly certain, I have not received child support. Also, I just deposited got around to depositing the last two checks I received a couple days ago. Guess I better leave enough money in my account to cover them if they end up as nonsufficient funds.

So much for asking if they'll reimburse me for my daughter's passport for Paris, or pay any college expense for our son at this point.

It won't be easy at all for me to live if child support ends and I still have the child here (and I still certainly WANT the child here!). Things are pretty tight already. Take away another $450/month and they'll get nearly impossible.

And yet....here's the kicker....I feel sorry for HIM. I seriously worry about HIM. I am hurt for HIM. Here's this guy who has tried for so many years to prove to everyone that he's not a baby, that he can take care of himself, that he IS something. And he has nothing, not even his pride. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

(Also, there is apparently a young woman who lives above X and OW who has become very good friends with them. She was living with some abusive guy and apparently broke up with him. My daughter says she's now living with X and OW temporarily. That has to add to the drama.)

I should be happy that he's feeling pain right now, after all the pain I've felt over the lst year, but I'm not. Am I nuts??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LL

LL, you might be nuts -- but then again, we might all be nuts. My ex has had money problems as well, and I've been concerned for her. However... there's a difference between concern and allowing someone else's money problems to affect you. If you're starting to have a situation where his money is running out, it's STILL his responsibility to pay his child support. If you have to have his wages garnished, so be it. It's part of the natural consequences of his actions -- and remember, this is money for your kids, not for you! Your kids should not have to bear the burden of his choices!

I'm still pretty new here, so you don't know me, but I went through a D from an abusive man. We were m'd 8 yrs, together 10. We've been d'd, gee...8 yrs now, he put me through one terrible ordeal after another after the D and I still have compassion for him. It's not crazy, you spent much of your life caring for this man. If you could just turn it off you wouldn't be a healthy person.

First thing, after the initial impact that my m was over I grieved for "what might have been". All of the hopes and dreams I'd had for our future. Then I made new hopes and dreams that were far less limited as I began to realize how much the abuse had made me settle. While m'd to my first h, anything that made him happy was certainly my best option for happiness. It took a little while to find out who I was again, but wow what a surprise. I love me now.

Second, God has a path for each of us. I believe that path is full of lessons, some we teach (by example, mostly) and some we learn. I have a feeling your exh is about to learn some of the harder ones. Mine certainly has. He's a better person and father for it. After 7 yrs. I finally got an apology. It helped me heal so much and was well worth the wait.

My two cents is go ahead and feel compassion, but let the ex clean his own backyard. Don't let him off the hook for cs. He had those children within his m and full knowledge that they were his first responsibility. Then rediscover yourself...you just might be surprised.