Kloe,

I truely feel for you right now. I was in the exact same position. My EXhusband wanted to work on the M after our son was born. I can tell you it was awful. All he cared about was the baby and not be. He came home for a week and I was miserable. I knew it was over after that time. It gave me complete closure. My advice to you is to follow your heart. Don't worry about the books and what others say. It is a process that you will go through and when you are finished wanting to work on the M you will know. If you want him to come home let him. See how it goes. It may be awful but in the end you will have peace that you tried everything.
As for visitation ect I can help you with that if you end up taking the D route. You can email me at mahoneya@unit5.org. Hang in there. Happiness is just around the corner. I am so happy right now. I am divorced and am dating a wonderful guy.

Kloe, I think the question of whether the affair is over is the critical one.

It sounds like it may be over, but your H is confused and agonizing over things.

And he still sees her at work, right?

Is she married? If she is, maybe she ended it and decided to commit to her marriage, and your H has just been left twisting in the wind.

Anyway, if it's over, maybe having him around is not the worst thing, even if he isn't ready to fully dedicate. It's not cake-eating if there's no cake over there with OW.

A few months ago, you were talking about your H not seeming the slightest little bit interested in this child. Now he seems different, wouldn't you say?

GC

We have never specifially discussed the A and it being over, just danced around the issue a couple times. But he has talked about his guilt and everything in the past tense. Plus he has been accounting for his time to me (I don't ask, he's just done this), so other then work I don't know when he would be seeing her. And the people at work would not approve and condone it. His boss wanted to throw us a shower, not something she would do if he was still seeing her. Also, he is constantly telling me how much he hates his job and is actively searching for other opportunities. It is something I want to/need to talk about this weekend. I really doubt she would have been the one to end it. This was not her first A and she was the one who pursued WH. We'll see what I find out this weekend.

In the beginning he was not focused on the baby, but always said he would be there for her. I don't think the reality of the situation hit him until much later, which from what I have heard is pretty normal for lots of men. As the fog lifted over the summer so did his involvement, which I knew it would. He has 19 nieces and nephews and is very involved with them, in fact he has spent a lot of time with them over the last few months. This weekend he went with me to the baby store to get some things we needed and he picked out some stuff to decorate the walls of the nursery.

GC - I have such a hard time communicating about stuff like this. I am hoping I can find the right words this weekend. I was always so inspired and impressed by the way you were able to communicate with Sparrow and get out what needed to be said.

Durham - Thank you for posting, I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how things were going. I am so happy to hear things are turning out well for you.

Thanks Kloe. I prepared for those meetings, most of them at least. I made lists of things not to say and things to say, things to expect from her and not to expect from her, and reminders of how I wanted to carry myself. I was not "acting", I was just prepared.

I avoided reacting emotionally. When she said things that hurt me, I just calmly absorbed it and tried not to show the pain, then told her that it hurt me to hear those things.

My mantra was to respond, not react, to be compassionate, and to be as calm as a cow.

GC

Sounds like he is projecting-by saying he can be there to take care of things-I think he is really saying so that you can take care of me. Be careful, but it would be easier to do a plan a. but I don't know your whole story.

I just got back from the doctors, I am 1 cm dialated, 50% effaced, good strong heartbeat, and the baby's head is down. He said that right now I am far enough along that he could induce me if I wanted after 38 weeks (2 weeks from now). They can do what is called scraping of the lining and this will usually cause you to go into labor within 72 hours. He'll do this if I want, which I probably will. My next appointment is Monday, November 29th so maybe he would do it then.

WH seems to be getting more anxious as the due date gets closer. Maybe the reality of the situation is fully setting in. The concept that it's not just about our future, but the future of our baby and family. We'll see what he has to say this weekend, especially since he could be a father in as little as 2 weeks.

Wow that is great news Kloe. I was the same on my first doc visit that I had a exam. Course they haven't mentioned anything about speeding up my labor or anything. I think they are trying to let me go into labor naturally if I can.

Our little ones may be born closer together than we expected. I am still hoping mine happens before Thanksgiving. But I have no say in the matter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Did you tell you husband the news yet?

BTW: Kloe, the chances of your water breaking outside the hospital are fewer than if you are actually in labor. From www.babycenter.com:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Most women start having the regular contractions that indicate labor sometime before their water breaks, but in some cases, the water does break first. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My first, the water broke b4 labor...the next 2, the docs had to break it.

I think the REAL question is how much would his presence ease your labor....not his mind.

Much love to you and your little one (from a fellow Sagittarius - couldn't you like, squeeze your legs together till the 21st - it's an awesome day to be born??)

- Kimmy

SML - I sent WH an e-mail as soon as I got back from the doctors, actually I was at the doctors longer then expected so he had e-mailed me to see how it went first. I know he called one of his sisters and told her all about it because she called me later in the day. I would love to have the baby the week after Thanksgiving, then I could be home and better before Christmas.

Dealan - One of my biggest fears is my water breaking at the office. I would be so mortified! I know they say the water only breaks in about 10% of women ahead of time, but lets face it my luck hasn't been so good this year! Having WH present during labor will greatly ease my mind. I am a very private person and couldn't imagine having anyone else in the room, even my Mom. Plus if anything happens to the baby where they have to take her out of the room (the hospital I am delivering out does everything possible to keep the baby with you at all times), he knows to stay with her no matter where they take her and that will ease my mind greatly.

Kloe,

Wishing you luck this weekend. Hope you are finally able to get him to open up about what his plans are.

I am so ready for this to be over. I think the last few weeks have been my worst. I can't complain I have not had any real complications. Just the swelling, acid reflux and being so tired is getting to me. I remember not wanting my mom in the room with me when I had my first son. But I am glad I changed my mind. Course she had to promise me that she would stay up at my head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My husband wan't much help at all. My mom stepped in and was the biggest help. I did have complications one stayed beside the baby and one stayed with me. I am so scared of labor though. Since my first labor went totally wrong. But they say each delivery is different and each baby is different so I am praying for a easy fast delivery.

Hope your feeling well. Just think we will soon be meeting our little girls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WH and I went and met a pediatritian this afternoon and then came back to the house and watched a little TV. I'm not feeling too well today, tired and bloated, so I just sat on the couch with my feet up. He's going to come back tomorrow morning, with breakfast. He said he would help me clean the house for Thanksgiving and put together some of the baby stuff. And he once again said we would talk.

Of course, as always, I am scared to death to hear what he has to say. I'm sure he doesn't plan on saying anything hurtful, especially this close to my due date. But I need to force him to open up and talk about the future, which may not be what I want to hear.

SML - I hope you're doing alright this weekend. Not much longer for you! I know what you mean about no major complications. My cousin's wife just had a healthy baby last week. However, she was on bed rest from the second month and hospitalized for the last 6 weeks. Hard for me to complain about my pregnancy, next to what they have had to go through. I guess we're only given what we can handle. Take care this weekend and I'll let you know how it goes.

Kloe,

My thoughts are with you today.

Hope you are still getting some sleep, and are not too uncomfortable.

Will check back later this weekend to see how the converstation went with your husband regarding him moving in.

I'm praying that he is honest and that he does want to begin marital recovery.

Sometimes I wish he would post on here, or atleast read so that he can see great marriages are made, not born. But maybe you will find the words to let him know, your marriage can be great and new now.

Sleep is getting more and more uncomfortable. I was up every hour last night either to go to the bathroom or because of leg cramps, plus I was having braxton hicks contractions. I imagine it will just get worse from here.

WH came over today around 10 am. We just lounged around until around 1 pm. He started putting together some of the babies stuff, around 3 pm I went out and got a pizza for lunch, he finished up with the baby stuff and started to put some stuff away. He also helped me vacuum the main room. We watched football for a little while and then around 6 pm he said he had to go but would come back tomorrow afternoon. So no talk today. I was waiting for him to bring it up but he never did. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Kloe, remember last time? You had to realize that if you didn't get up some gumption, your M could just slip away from you! You realized that you would rather risk hearing something you didn't want to hear, than for sure lose it all by inaction.

Even if what he says right now is not what you want to hear, it is how he is feeling RIGHT now. It might not be the same tomorrow or next week. Often, just opening the flood-gates of communication starts off in one direction, then veers off. I don't think whatever he says will be final. Try and have some faith in this, as you have in the rest of the MB program.

You have to start somewhere. That is where talking will get you - a start. It is not a finish. You both have a LONG way to go to get to any sort of finish. Please talk before the baby comes. Please just stick it out there like you did last time. I believe last time you were very glad you faced your fear and just DID it.

DO THAT AGAIN!!! K? Love you, sweetie. Hang in there. When you hold that baby, all this uncomfortableness will disappear from your mind.

Spidey

I know, I know. I just didn't want to bring it up earlier in the day because I figure he will leave after we have our talk and it was so nice to just spend the day with him. He's not coming over until later in the afternoon tomorrow so we'll probably watch the Redskins game and then we can talk after that. At least tomorrow I'll have a deadline, Desperate Housewifes comes on at 9 pm and I don't want to miss that!

He's also going to come over Wednesday afternoon to help me get ready for Thanksgiving. He's not going to have Thanksgiving dinner here but he did say he would stop by to say hello to everyone.

Well we both chickened out. He didn't come over until after 7 pm and left a little while ago. No R talk, I know I could have said something as he was leaving but I just couldn't do it tonight, so I let him leave without saying anything. I know he wants to talk but I also know I have help him open up before he will say anything. He'll be back on Wednesday afternoon to help me get stuff ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Kloe, Kloe, Kloe!!!

You have got to be among the most patient, most layed back, non controversial people I have ever seen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If I were you I would probably avoid the subject now until after the baby is born and you have recovered from childbirth. What good would it do right now to bring up relationship talk when it might result in someone being upset?

I think maybe you have been right to keep quiet this close to due date, now that I think about it. You need your energy and that of your husbands now to deliver this baby and bring her home. No sense in bringing possible unhappiness in now.

HOWEVER, after the baby comes home and you both have settled into a comfortable routine, you, me, Spidey and several other MB's are going to have a little heart to heart about asertiveness. Okay?

Take care, and try to get some sleep would ya?

Kloe... it's okay. You've said before that you're a conflict avoider. I don't mean to encourage you to force R talk, but conflict is your friend right now. If you and WH can work it out, don't forget that you need to make confrontation okay between the two of you.

Hope you're feeling okay...

GC

Sadly, I think many ppl believe that conflict is always a hostile and negative act. Not necessarily so...IMHO.

Done correctly it can be viewed as proactive, as boundary setting, as putting your cards on the table etc.. Now may not be the best time for you to do this (only you know for sure) but when you are ready you need not be afraid. I'm guessing that what you are afraid of right now is the uncertainty of your relationship with your WH. Be proactive and illuminate your own path by discussing your life and your option with your WH. Make your own choices from the info he gives you.

All the best.