Just when I agonized over the plan b letter I got it just right thank you starfish and Chris. I was on day 5 of not hearing from him not trying to contact him and thinking I can do this. My children are ok maybe even better because mommy's attention isn't on where is daddy or doing something for daddy. Mailed the letter -- and what happens he comes back at 1 am last night.

He cried for 3 days he knows I love him (I said I didn't love him anymore). I tried to read him the Plan B letter he didn't get --because he would not read it and he gently took it out of my hands and said so far I do not agree with it (the 1st couple of paragraphs where I accept some responsibility of the demise of our M) -- 'you can read it to me later."

So here is another Monday that he comes home at an ungodly hour -- I am tired, I can't think straight and I know I can not let this go on because my love for him his truly fading. Sure I know I will have a great week or two with him but then we will be right back to where we started. He won't leave - do I want him to leave? I don't know what to do anymore?

My H did the same thing. Would leave for days and then come back, wake me up at like 3am. after him and OP had a blow out, say he was so sorry for ever doing this to me, she was gone and he wanted so very badly to make the marriage work. I bought it hook line and sinker everytime because I NEEDED too. I thought I needed him, hated the rejection, and wanted to believe he meant it. I knew he did not and with in hours sometimes days- he was back on the phone or seeing her.

After he was out of the house for a few months (plan B)he came home again, crying, the whole nine yards again. I took him back again WITHOUT setting boundaries, MY BIGGEST MISTAKE!!!!!

If you love him and think he is serious, take him back but make sure the boudaries are very very VERY CLEAR!!!! Let him know you love him, and want this to work, but if he messes up again, you will race him to the courthouse, and mean it.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, maybe not even helpful.

First - let me give the caveat that I ended up divorced, but....

I knew when X walked out that he would try and come back eventually. I didn't know it would be two days later... but fortunately, I had already planned for it by then.

I realized that if I waited until he was crying and begging to come home, I would be too emotional to make a rational decision. So I decided that no matter what he said, when he asked to come home, my answer would be that we could work on the marriage, go to counseling, etc., but that he couldn't move home for at least a year.

That may sound harsh, and I don't know that it exactly follows MB principles (I didn't know about them at the time.) All the same, I still feel it was a very wise decision. In a way, it was following the MB plan B, and once he walked out, we were in plan B, like it or not.

I say it was sort of a plan B because, more than anything, telling him a year was my way of demanding real work and changes before I allowed him to come home. I had already seen enough deception from him that I knew he would swear there was NC until he was blue in the face, but would be doing whatever he wanted. And that as long as I gave into him, he would take it as a sign he could get away with more. Without a set time period like that, during which he couldn't come home but he couldn't continue living with her, he would have continued to waffle.

As it turns out, he still lied - told me he was living with a (male) friend, when truth was, he was still living with her. When I found that out, I basically said we were done. I decided that if he could go to counseling with me, and our MC was a minister in our church, and lie to both of us straight in the face about having NC with OW (when he was still LIVING with her!) that this was a man I would never be able to trust again.

The bottom line is, I was setting up clear goals and boundaries. I was trying to establish some way of finding out how sincere he was about really wanting to be home with me. If he was being honest, or if she had kicked his butt out and he was desperate (and I firmly believe it was the latter.) I figured if he couldn't commit to a year of working on things with me, with no guarantee it would work out, that I couldn't depend on him to be there the rest of our lives.

And I was afraid that once I let him come back, each time he walked out (and I KNEW there would be a next time if I let him come back,) it would get easier and easier for me to let him come back with no consequences - to let him cakewalk. I didn't want to be one of those women who apends the rest of their life with a real jerk, making excuses for him and saying "but this time he really has changed" everytime he walked out & later came back.

Basically, I tried to step out of myself, and figure out what I would tell a friend if this had happened to her instead of me. I just didn't want to let him walk all over me the rest of my life, and continue cheating or whatever else he wanted. And knowing his personality, the more he "got away" with it, the more he would continue to take advantage.

Impressive tactic. You have strength and courage. GOOD FOR YOU!!

How did you come up with that exact plan?

Thanks! I actually don't really claim much credit for the plan. I really think it's one of those times when God was kind of whispering in my ear.

I say that because the way it happened - he left on a Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, after changing the locks on the house (I didn't want him waltzing in while I was out and taking whatever he wanted,) I went to work. Yep, the night after he walked out, red face from crying and all. Because I didn't have any time to take off. Things had already been rough for a couple of years, though I didn't know the reason why until about 2 months before he left.

Well, a friend from church that had been helping support me since I found out about the A called me at work (I had left her a message the night before about WH walking out) and asked me to go to lunch. When I walked up to the table where she was at the restaurant, I found that the first thing out of my mouth was that plan - that I knew he would be calling to come home eventually, and when he did, I would tell him the stuff about not coming home for a year, counseling, etc. She was pretty surprised (and impressed,) but I don't think she was as surprised as I was. Up until that moment, I hadn't thought about any of that, or how I would handle it, or really, much of anything other than the typical "my life is over!"

But as soon as that plan popped out of my mouth, I realized it was exactly what I needed.

In retrospect, I think that was a major part of the problem in our marriage for years - that I never demanded anything of him. I took care of all the bills, and he gave me basically the amount he wanted. When he came up short, I never questioned where all the money went, and let it slide when I couldn't get a straight answer out of him about what his salary really was. We watched what he wanted on tv, we listened to what he wanted on the radio, he always drove.... I could go on, but you get the picture. I really do think God steered me in the right direction, and at least got the idea started for me....

The hardest part, of course, was actually sticking to the plan once he started crying, begging, etc. He even hinted at suicide if I didn't let him come home. I just kept reminding myself how awful I felt the night I came home to find him gone, and imagining myself re-living that night over and over again through the years. I really felt very strongly that once I let him walk out and do that to me and then come home with no consequences, that I would be unable to escape that cycle.

And I also kept remembering how much he cried and how sorry he acted on DDay... and yet he never quit seeing OW. I reminded myself over and over that he had already shown me he could fake those emotions, and asked myself if I really wanted to be fooled by him that way again. I'd already believed him several times when he had told me that he had quit seeing her, and every time he had been lying. I realized that him telling me was no longer sufficient, since he had shown that he could fool me. So, I had to have a way for him to SHOW me.

And also, our MC kept saying that guys need very clearly stated, clear-cut goals, that because of the way a guy's brain works, he just can't wrap his mind around something as vague as "things need to get better." So I came up with a clear-cut goal. And I figured if he couldn't commit a year towards saving a 10-year marriage, then asking him to commit the rest of his life would be silly.....

The funny part about it is... having boundaries like this really isn't hard..... except, in a way, it's the hardest thing in the world! Because all you have to do to have those boundaries is to draw that line in the sand, outline consequences for crossing that line, and then actually stick to it. Sounds easy, but the "sticking to it" part can be the hardest thing in the world. Especially when our hearts are screaming that all we want is for our WSs to be home again.

But are you really getting anything of value back if they come home without commiting to change/