Well, WH is back from sea Thursday or Friday and I have booked 2 sessions with the counsellor from the military. We spoke for a while last week and I liked her. Although she did floor me by asking if it was a good idea to go meet WH's ship. I didn't clue in until she said, "well, what if the OW was there? How would that be for DD?" I told the MC that I did not believe that he would have someone meet him, because he really had time only for someone in the miltary so that person would be on the ship with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyway, I don't want to LB in the M session. I was going to try to just let him say what he wanted to. But, I know if he says some of the same BS he has been handing me, I might react very unfavourably. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I haven't a clue what to say in front of WH. I have been to my IC every Monday for a month and a half. But, I can vent without alienating WH. Who, if you are not familiar with my situation is a major avoider.

So, I need some advice as to what I can safely bring up. Thanks

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

I don't think there is anything that you shouldn't bring up. I think its all about
HOW you bring it up. A lot of people hold so much in, that when they finally have the opportunity to confront their spouse, either in couseling or otherwise, they blow up with accusations. True or not, angry outbursts are not the best way to handle this. At least not at first.

Honesty is the best way.

Hey, TTSI. I am quite worried about me blowing up. I have been to my IC today and he told me to bring up the "pattern" that WH seems to follow. So, I will, but man, I want to smack him HARD for being such a DORK!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

How can the man I married be so off in LA LA Land? I used to respect him. But, now? I love him but honestly, his actions disgust me. And I don't want to be THAT honest right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Kind of a LB, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am going to bring up that ONE thing and let him spin his BS. Well, it is BS to me but he firmly believes that junk. GGRR!!!

Did you or do you have nightmares? I have them almost every night and wake up from them, either sick, crying or terrified. Normally I sleep without any dreams. Are you sleeping much?

OT, saw your pics on the photo thread. Nice to put a face to a name. I posted one of WH with his head semi-cut off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Couldn't resist. One of me and my oldest DD and my DS, too.

Actually, that's not me. I don't know who that is. I think someone with a screen name similar to mine I guess.

Yeah, I have a lot of nightmares. They wake me up quite a bit. Luckily, I do not remember most of them, just wake up with that feeling of dread, which gives me the knowledge that I had a bad dream. I'd really be in trouble if I remembered all of them...
Even the good dreams I have, involve my W, which once awake, end up turning into nightmares, because reality sets in.

Try your best to keep the anger under control. There will be a time and place for it, but not now. All it would probably do is scare your H out of going to further counseling.

One thing I didn't mention before, Try your best not to attack the OW. I know how tempting it is, and I'm sure she deserves all your words and feelings you have against her, but right now it will not help. It will only cause H to defend her, leading to an arguement and LBs.

TTSi. I can't bring up the OW. I have not discovered who shey/they is/are. The only thing I know for sure is that he is "dating". That is because he told me so. I have my suspicions that she is on his ship. Which really narrows it down. There are few women and some of them are EEEWWW! I mean that they look and act like men. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He only has time for one other activity where he could meet a woman and that is dragonboating. And, I plan on going to that on Thursday with my friends to scope it out.

That is one of the things that I am so frustrated about. I accept responsibility for not meeting one of his big ENs which is recreational activities. Silly me, I put our home first. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I did not recognize his HUGE need to be active in an outside activity.

Well, at least you know now what additional ENs you need to focus on. It could be worse ya know?
You could still be wondering about that.

I know you don't know exactly who the OW is, But that wouldn't really stop someone from venting their anger about them.

If the MC is cunning, he or she might beat up on you a little bit at first. It's a tactic I understand some MC use to keep WS from running.

So don't get too thrown if that happens.

GC

Graycloud. Thank you! Good to know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am VERY worried. I had the secretary email WH on the ship to confirm the appointment. I think he would read it because it came from a miltary id. But, I am scared that he will refuse to go. I did ask the secretary to tell me if he refused.

I am downright panicking and have been for the last couple of days. WH is back in avoidance mode and won't answer my emails. SO, I have no clue what our reception will be when we get to the ship. I am pretty sure that he thinks I will make a scene. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Not my style at all. BUT, if he has an OW there, another story entirely. But, I don't think he would do that as he knows DD will be there.

You know, all I need and want at this point is for him to go to counselling on a regualr basis and to keep his d!ck in his pants. I am pretty sure that he hasn't done the deed - yet.

But, of course I can't be sure. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

That is something that I try not to obsess about but that thought is there. OMG I can't stand the thought of my WH being with anyone else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That is the line where I would lose it. Even last time, he pulled this junk, he did not have a PA - it was an EA. I know becasue I monitored the computer. But, that hurt so much, I can still hardly breathe when I think about it.

And of course I am dwelling on it. I just want the pain to let up enough for me to be able to relax for one minute.

SIgh.

VENT! VENT! VENT!
Read at your own risk, please.

I am so ticked off with WH right now I could spit nails! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If there is one thing that really sets me off it is his silence. His avoidance. I am sick to death of his childish pouty attitude. Yes, that is a LB. EVEN IF IT IS THE TRUTH! I know that and haven't said it to him. Yet.

I just sent him an email:

"WH, I am very sorry that you continue to choose to deal with this situation in this unproductive manner.

But, I will continue to keep you up to date on what is happening. The house is up for sale, starting tomorrow. I am signing the papers at 4pm. I have repeatedly asked you to respond to me about the letter of employment. What is up?

I look forward to the counselling sessions. DD will be there but will wait in the waiting room while we go in first.

DD still says that she would do a tour of the boat. ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THAT?

I WILL CONTINUE TO EMAIL UNTIL I GET A RESPONSE.

TOMORROW, (WEDNESDAY) I will speak to the Fleet coordinator and the Chaplain. They both have the means to call the ship directly to get a message to you.

I hope you don't think that your avoiding me will make me slink off into the night. I am not going away. Until we get our issues resolved, I will be right beside you. We have a lot to work through. And if I have to pack up DD and move over there immediately, I will. Which is more palatable? Talking to me now or when I am right in your city. That is the reality.

Your choice.

Your Faithful, Wife,

Can I get some thoughts on it? Too pushy? Oh well, that's me and I need to smack someone. ANd my anger and frustration is not misplaced. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He knows darn well that I will go ballistic with this tactic.

Sorry, but here comes a 2x4;

I would say that you need to come here to vent FIRST. Before taking action.
As you said, this is the type of person that you have been, "looking for someone to smack"
If doing the same thing over and over has not gotten you results, then you have to modify how things are handled.
While there is not much wrong with what you said in the email, I think there is plenty wrong with the way it was said.

If I was in your H position, I probably would be looking for a hole to hide in, definitely not thinking of answering you, in fear of further beratements.

Thanks, TTSi. I needed that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I honestly have been keeping the emails to a neutral topic or about DD. Well, most of the time.

He is SOOOO pushing my buttons. And I am SOOOO letting him. GRRR!!! My problem. I accept that. And here come my lame excuse: IF I was in his city, and we were already in the MC session, AND we could physically see each other to discuss some of DDs problems, I would likely be more able to keep thing non-assertive. However that is not possible at this time.

I am very worried about the 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude. He knows I am not physically there, but boy, he knows I am in his mind. And won't go away. Well, yet anyway.

Aww nuts! I am so worried about what will happen when I get there and meet him, I can't think straight. Surviving on straight adrenalin and coffee.

I need to take a breath. ANd back off. Hard to do.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 05:32 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Well, so far no confirmaton that he will keep the appointment. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Both the counsellor and the Fleet coordinator have sent him emails.

I am leaving tomorrow and will contact the Chaplain once I get over to WH's city. I KNOW he can get me on base to meet him before he can disappear. DORK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

This avoidance is driving me insane. Just suck it up and face the unpleasantness, that is what I need from him. BUt, I know this will be a huge struggle for him to even see me.

I want to move past this. Either to recovery, (way too soon for that) or learn to live apart permanently (way too soon for that either). I need to get out of the hole I am in.

I can't stand the waiting around. Help!!!! Any suggestions?

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

H probably knows he is pushing your buttons.
Why not throw him off a bit by not allowing him to do that? He's then going to wonder what is going on, and may try pursuing you a bit.

Unfortunately, waiting around is sometimes all that is left, for the time being anyway.
If you know you've done all that you can do at a particular point, what else is there?

I know how bad the waiting sucks. For me, that is all I can do at this point. And it does get to you, no matter what type of person you are.
You can see it all around here. Even the most passive members here have a hard time with it.

Ya, I know. It is fighting the unwinnable fight. I know it. I know that I can't change his reactions, I can only change mine.

You know, I always talk in fighting terms don't I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Well, that does go with how I feel about this whole EA/PA/MLC cr@p! It is the field marshall temperament. Very confrontational if aroused. UH DUH! As if I didn't have reasons.

Anyway, how is the stitch in your neck of the woods. No News still? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Are you keeping busy?

I think I remember you saying you go out to a cottage quite often, right? How wonderful to be able to do a change of scenery. Do you have snow yet? I LOVE snow when I have to drive to it. HATE the stuff when it is around here. But, I am lucky, where I live, it only snows maybe an inch or so the entire year and then rains. But, the mountains have the greatest skiing and they are only an hours drive away.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Well, it's not an unwinnable fight, you can definitely win. What you win though, heh, no one is sure exactly what that is until you have it.
Just as any good field commander, battles have to be picked and chosen, and after each battle, win or lose a good commander doesn't just rush off into the next. They think about the last battle, what has been gained or lost, and what they have learned from it. Then they choose which direction to go next. Maybe try incorporating a little of that strategy?
And always, do not make your choices based solely on emotion.

I do go out to a lake house. Not quite a cottage, it's a bit bigger than that. I wouldn't say it's a change of scenery really, as it's only a few miles from where I live. But it is different enough. No snow here. Where W is and where I used to be, it snowed plenty though. Right now I'm in Texas. Snows maybe once every 10 years. Plenty of rain though. 11 inches since Sunday. Wheee.