I'm nearly at the end of week 1. I can finally cry. I can't believe the Holidays are nearly here. Nobody knows yet. I don't know how I'm going to make it through

HurtingCarol,

I can not speak for everyone here, but would I be correct to assume that you are having T-day dinner with HIS parents or YOUR parents or some family anyway...and you feel like you "have to" pretend you are one-big-happy family when you feel like dying?? PLUS...everyone and there mother is expecting you to cook a gourmet meal when all you want to do is ShakeNBake and Tator Tots?? Or maybe SOUP!!

Here's what I did to help get through the holidays. I declared that I had the right to have one holiday off--that I was "tired" and this time I needed a holiday too. I said, "Either we go out to dinner, or you guys cook it...which do you pick?" We ended up that year going out to eat.

I also declared that I was not going to do the "same old" family traditions when I felt so fake, so we invented some NEW family traditions. We chose to all volunteer (as a family with H, and then after the divorce just the kids and I) at a local church that offers a free T-day meal. My daughter is the hostess and seats people. My son loads plates with the food. I carry the food out the people and sit and talk with them for a minute. Each one of us uses our own God-given talents and interests in a way that helps another human being. We work from noon to 4pm, then go home to eat our dinner. You know, you get a WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE on life when you get our focus off of your own problems and onto serving others.

Next, I am a middle-aged mother with teenage kids. I have lots of friends now who are also single mothers--kids are at ex's house--etc. So...we decided to have a potluck T-day dinner at my house every year. Anyone can come who brings a dish to share, and I make the turkey. I just buy the biggest turkey I can afford and everyone else brings everything else. We use fancy paper plates (so no dishes) and everyone washes their own dish that they brought their food in! We have LOTS of fun, LOTS of people are not alone on a holiday, and somehow the spirit of the holiday is honored...

...thanks GIVING.


CJ

You hit the nail! Actually, I do the big, deluxe Christmas dinner for everybody. I can't even face that yet. I try to never cook Thanksgiving. Since I do Christmas, I've always said 1 big dinner is enough. Generally, every year we've travel somewhere. Disneyland or something. Last year, it was London because the fares were so low. Silly me, I think I need to plan something.

CJ, I'd appreciate you reading some of my posts. I like the advice you give. Although I don't know your story, we seem to be similar. Middle aged (don't feel that way) and teenagers.
Even the same initials.

You are so right about the cooking and the food. Right now, the only thing that I really can eat are potatoes. The ultimate comfort food. I will try the you cook or else but I've tried that before with little success. I wish I could get everybody to help serve at a charity dinner. Sounds like a way to get out of a bad situation in a caring way. I haven't had time yet to network with friends. I like your creative solutions.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Carol,

DDay for us was a week or so before Thanksgiving. What we did was have dinner for us and our kids only (they were 5 and 7). That was they only way I could do it. I never could have pulled off a big dinner with lots of people, I would have melted in tears.

It actually ended up being a nice day, the nicest we had had in a long time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My advice is don't take on more than you can handle. You have to take this time to take care of yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, I am worried about the holidays too. Thanksgiving is next week and we are going to have to pretend to be a happy married couple for 4 days. It is really hard for me to pretend to be happy all to protect her. Especially when she has not shown any desire to work on our problems.

Plus she continues to "advertise" (flirt) with her study buddies, especially one in particular. It is obvious now and she can no longer deny that a certain "study buddy" has feelings for her. She doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. I will give her another week and if she continues to let it go on like it is, I will give her a choice. Either be married to me and show commitment, or be single. I can stand to be disrespected and jerked around like this. I wouold prefer it if she ended the relationship with this study buddy completely but I know she will fight this. I don't want to always seem like the demanding, controlling husband cause it only makes study buddy seem more pleasurable to be around. But it is really hard to try to compete with his affections when I'm so teed off that she is even giving him a chance.

If things continue to worsen, I fear that I may have to use the only leverage that I have left....telling her parents about her past A and her current questionable relationship. I don't know exactly how she will react but I do know that it will be very bad.

I am dreading the holidays. If I didn't have children I would skip over them completely, but that isn't fair to the kids.
We are not near family, so that isn't an issue here, the problem is that I know my WH will be spending those precious holidays with his OW and her children rather then here with me and our children....
That breaks my heart not only for myself but for our kids.
I don't know what I am going to do, but I havn't really thought about it yet.