Its now been 11 months since D-day and I am still feeling so needy and being so clinging. I hate it. Is this normal? I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. I just want to sit on the couch with my WH and vegetate. I constantly feel the need for reassurance from him and I constantly feel the need to touch him. Is this normal or am I going completely daft.

After being a pretty independent woman who has been married to this man for 38 years, I feel like a teenager who is scared of losing her first boyfriend. Help me put this in perspective.

I want that care free independent woman back. . .I miss her and I am sure I am doing more harm than good by being this clingy needy person.

As you all know my H is one of those who completely refuses to discuss the A and I do think this has retarded my recovery a lot. I keep working on myself but can't seem to get rid of this neediness.

Help anyone!!!!

^

Enid, unfortunately what you are feeling is a very natural result of adultery. It takes time to recover under the best of circumstances. You are supposed to feel insecure and needy because you have just been deeply betrayed by the one who was supposed to protect you.

And yes, if your H refuses to tell you about the affair, then your recovery is going to be very hard. Just the act of sharing the information with you is a huge trustbuilder. It helps you understand and put things in perspective so you can move on. When he withholds facts about YOUR LIFE, it means he still has secrets with the OW that he doesn't have with you. Withholding makes it very hard to trust again.

Hang in there and come talk to us when you feel bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MelodyLane, thanks, I needed someone to tell me that I wasn't crazy. I have been feeling a little crazy lately and like I said I hate that clingy, needy feeling.

I have given up trying to get him to open up to me. It is absolutely fruitless and all we end up doing is arguing. He is adamant that he doesn't want to talk about the A and I have now reconciled myself to the fact that I have to get over this in my own way.

Just wish I could act more aloof with him rather than being so needy and clingy.

ENID- My husband and I have been married for 30 years and he is very clingy to me too. Our DD was almost 6 months ago. I guess its natural, but its kind of stressful, I am the FWW, he is the BS.
He behaves like I am his new girlfriend that he is starting to date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I gave him all the details of the affair,though.It took me some time to do it, but I did.
It will get better, hang in there.

Myrta

Thanks Myrta. Before all this happened I was independent and free spirited. Now I just feel crushed and I hate this feeling.

I hope it gets better soon because I am sure I must be driving him crazy as well. I am starting to feel I need to get away from him. . .its like I am smothering him. And all I feel is this hurt and pain and wonder if I am going to have to endure it for the rest of my life???

Enid,

I completely understand how you feel. I also have this strong need to be reassured and I want to be and talk to hubby all of the time, but I don't. I hold it all in. It is so hard though. My husband also doesn't not want to discuss the EA very often. I don't really want to know any details about them, but I would like to find out why this happened to us and how we can move forward to become a better loving couple. My husband has now suggested counseling, but I'm going to let him pick the counselor etc. because I'm always the one who takes care of everything and does everything and I want HIM to be the one to do this.

I totally emphasize with you because generally I'm also a very strong, independent and funny woman and you know I am still that way when I'm not with my husband. But every time I get around him, I often feel sad and overwhelmed by my feelings.

Don't feel bad, enid. I think, it is very natural to feel this way. It takes time to heal.

Best to you!

Kati

Enid:

I am a guy and I feel like hugging and kissing my wife all the time after DD. I am not insecure at all. I feel clingy because the A has awakened old symptoms and signs of being in love. It is that simple. Sure, there were times when I thought I could lose my wife, but at the time I felt a desperation that is quite different.

I rather enjoy being in love and get a kick out of touching, ect. Enjoy!!!!!

Hello Enid,
I think your reaction is quite normal. Well, I think it's an abandonment reflex. I think its like, like... you know when you're looking forward to eating a good chocolate bar that you just love, and all of the sudden it slips from your fingers and is about to fall on the floor... you scramble and put all your resources together and your gross motor skils, and your hand-eye-coordination, you put all your energies in trying to save that chocoalte bar from hitting the floor or landing in someone else's mouth... right? I think it's human nature to try to reconcile our losses by overcompensating. Also, we want to recover the attention we so deserve and which was given to someone else instead.
I think I'm rambling...

Peace,
Odyssey

Enid:

Another reason why I sometimes felt the urge to hug was when I became sad thinking about the fact that my wife gave herself away in such a meaningless manner. I guess I was trying to provide consolation assuming she was remorseful or perhaps I wanted to feel good by simply touching her.

Shortly after D-day I would also have an uncontrollable urge to massage her entire body as if though I was trying to reclaim her body. I would do this after waking up in the middle of the night.

However, I will say I have always been a touchy guy. If I walked anywhere with my wife I always held hands with her. One of the few things the OM did not do with my wife was to walk outdoors while holding hands. OM wanted to do this very badly. So in a way that is still precious for me.

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

I've been very needy and clingy with my wife.

Part of it is that I'm insecure. But the other is I realized how much I do love her.
I've also realized how lonely I've been for a very long time.

Am I over compensating. Sure. But, I don't know any other way to be. I try to not be over the top. It does feel good.

Despite my wifes not "there" yet.

Thanks for your answers. It really makes me feel better that I am not alone in this. I think that the fact that my WH had a four year affair has also got a lot to do with it.

For the four years while he was having the affair he was distant and aloof. He was suffering from depression and was suicidal. I thought he was feeling like that because he was impotent and spent those four years sympathising with him and trying to get him help for his impotence. Meanwhile he was popping viagra's to have his little affair.

I think I am dealing with not only the A but also the four years of living with a depressed aloof person. Its hard not to be clingy. Maybe like Stanley says I should enjoy what I am feeling now.

I almost see it as a flaw in my character. . .this neediness. . .but perhaps its what I need to feel. . .NEEDY.

Thanks, as usual you guys have come through again with some rock solid advice and help. I don't know how I would manage without this board. I have a read every single day.

:::I almost see it as a flaw in my character. . .this neediness. . .but perhaps its what I need to feel. . .NEEDY.

Oh Enid, Your posts always sound so sad. My kids said I was horribly needy for the first few months. My daughter said she hated hearing me talk on the phone to my H coz she barely recognised me, I sounded so pathetic. I had always been very strong in the family. Strong minded, sure and confident. I was so utterly crushed.

I moved from that stage to anger. But my H shared all. Anger is just as bad. So you are probably best stuck in clingy mode. I still alternate between anger and clingy (2 yrs on). When I'm angy I cannot believe I could ever be clingy and wonder what on earth possesses me to be clingy. It must be unbearable to not have your H unburden himself of his behavior and take you back into his heart and soul completely. He's protecting himself by not sharing with you. He's refusing to deal with the shame and self loathing. "Out of sight, out of mind". I gather you can recover even with this approach as my father left my mother for some slut (and she was a slut - she gave him a STD), and when he returned to my mother he recently told me they never discussed the A and my mother never cried once. There was a price to pay for my father though. When he suffered a massive heart attack, years later, my mother seemed quite together and not unduely worried about him - whilst his kids were worried sick. Interesting huh? What comes round goes round. I'm sure my mother hardened herself and decided to to protect herself from that kind of hurt in the future.

Is you H kind to you? Is he sorry for what he's done? Does he enjoy being with you now? I really hate all this cr*p we have to go thru so they could enjoy themselves at the expense of our happiness. (whoops - I'm in angry mode! Mmm, where did I leave my clingy?)

there are many who relate to you here. No, you are not mad. Get a high quality St. John's Wort and see if you don't feel a lot better. Make sure it's a good brand though.

AN

AN, thank you for your answer. I often do feel very sad. I think after being married to someone for 38 years and being the best wife you think you can be, its very hard when you find out that they have been cheating on you.

I am not sure I will ever fully recover. I liked your explanation for him not sharing with me. The fact that he can't share is also hard for me and I often make the mistake of thinking he is protecting the A.

My daughters have also seen a change in me. They are both horrified because they also know their mother to be strong and independent and suddenly they are faced with this mother who is literally falling apart before their eyes.

I hate what A's do. Don't people think before they do such stupid hurtful things.

ENID- I feel so sad reading your posts,my husband is so similar in his feelings, and I was the one that caused this suffering.
Trust me on this one, that if your husband,myself,and others knew the extent of the damage we cause our spouses we would never embark on these sordid affairs.
Do you feel clingy to him because you dont trust your husband still? Do you think that he is capable of doing this again? Or do you do it, because you want to make sure that he is yours for good and you want to make sure he is there. Because sometimes, even when, we live things and we know are real, we have to literrary "pinch" ourselves to make sure we are not dreaming.
Your husband is there with you, he wants to stay with you. The fact that he does not share everything with you, is not , because he wants to protect the affair and the OW, he wants to protect YOU, he does not want to cause you any further hurt. Why keep on opening the wound? Let it close and concentrate on each other. Try to be the best wife in the world, be "wild" with him in bed , be playful, but try not to be so clingy. It is kind of scary to see a person that was so strong and cool before, behave so different now. He was attracted to your strenght before and thats why he got married to you in the first place.
Good luck Enid.
MYRTA

Thanks Myrta. I am trying so hard to find that strong resilient woman that I was. I know she is somewhere inside of me. . .I just need to find her again.

I am wild in bed and we have great sex. I hope that you are right in thinking he doesn't want to talk about the A so as not to hurt me further. I would love some answers though. He gives me nothing. . .the A is a subject to be avoided.

Hi Enid

I posted this morning that i was feeling low and then i saw yor post and read it and i connected to it. That's exactly how i feel. We left for work this morning and i felt so lonely. he called me soon after and we had a nice conversation but i am at work now and i want so much to call him and tell him take the day off and i'll do the same for us to be alone together.

Thanks to you enid i am not going to do that cause i know that i should give him his space. We normally have lunch together so i'll just have to wait to see him then.

But man oh man do i hate this feeling. I wish that i could be care free and just live with or without him (dream on right?)

Take care and godd luck

Sindy

Myrta
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband and I have been married for 30 years and he is very clingy to me too. Our DD was almost 6 months ago. I guess its natural, but its kind of stressful, I am the FWW, he is the BS.
He behaves like I am his new girlfriend that he is starting to date
I gave him all the details of the affair,though.It took me some time to do it, but I did.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't tell you how closely this parrallels my own situation. It must be the huge dose of insecurity that the A throws at you. WS had a chance to live with the thought for a while before it even happened and we (the BS's) have only had since DD to get a handle on things.
I'm trying to leave the A alone...no talking or obsessing about it but it does come up and always because of me. I guess she doesn't want to be reminded about it because of guilt maybe?
I feel most of the time like I need to go drinking...heavily, or something else stupid to help me with my numbness. The warm centre of what was me is now gone and since I can't find it I think I'm trying to rub out the memory of it existing. 28 yrs of M is a long time with someone and when the happiness has been removed the hole is pretty damned big.
So you think I should stop trying to talk about the A and about her feelings, do you?
brian

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: bbrriiaann ]</small>

enid, what you are going through is very natural...however, after 11 months the clinginess phase is prolonged because of your H unwillingness to discuss the A. The only way to truly recovery without resentment setting in it to talk, talk, talk until there is no more to talk about. A partner who withholds information that you see desperately needs give them power. They have the power of knowledge, they know the details and they have no idea how damaging that can be for the BS to be denied of. The mind can take you to some awfully harmful places, many times more damaging than the actual events of the A. If it is just brought into the light of day with some open, honest discussion it can make recovery and the marriage so much better.

I suggest MC, and IC for you to find that independent, strong soul you once were. Personally, without it I would be a shell of the person I once was.

God's blessings and strength to you!

MORE ON CLINGY:

Got to be careful.

At some times I have been all over my wife to the point that my adult kids were wondering why I was acting like a crazed teen in love. Even my wife's sisters noted I was very touchy. They also noted I had the “look of love” in my eyes and were wondering what was going on with me.

Luckily I have always shown affection to my wife in public and they felt that perhaps this was an exacerbation do to my age or whatever. In any event I always showed affection to my wife if we were in public. Always held hands or put my arms around her waist. If we sat down to eat I was as close to her as possible. Always had a need to rub elbows and hips when we sat together. If I had more than a glass of wine was always very demonstrative of my love. This is the way I have been since day one for 30 years. Everybody thinks we are the perfect marriage and madly in love with each other. But, now it is more exaggerated.

I wish I could be normal again, but to be honest I have no clue about how to act normal. I will be normal again whenever it comes. My secretary was also suspicious of me for a very long time because I lost some weight and was acting “blue”. Then I think she saw that my computer was at MB site--------- Hmm. One needs to be careful to keep this issue under wraps, but sometimes our actions give everything away. I know my grown kids suspect something is not right and they keep asking questions.

I also stopped playing golf---------- only one round since D-day and I was not into it at all. I don’t go to the gym anymore. But lost some weight. So friends think I am working out a lot. To be honest I have no desire to lift a 2 lbs dumbbell right now. I had to explain to some friends why I didn’t want to play golf anymore.

I have done well with my work and managed to put in a very busy hectic day a few hours after D-day. I was a walking zombie, but somehow I have managed to work quite well.

I call my wife a few times a day. Before I only called at noon and not every day. BTW, she never called me. She had about 20 calls per day from OM. I feel weird about calling more than once a day, but if OM called 20 times I assume 2-3 calls from my part is not excessive.

Sorry for rambling!

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>