I've followed your story with countless times of your H coming back to you but not really.

My H's lover isn't definitely in the picture, but my H seems to do exactly the minimum to keep me on the hook.

Four weeks ago, I just snapped when he started our time together with "Do you want to argue about...?" Instead of defending myself, and saying I didn't want to argue at all, I just went to bed. For three weeks, I just pulled back.

Last week, I started to be willing to spend time together. On Wednesday, while my H was at anger management, I explained to the kids what we had heard at a parent education talk on Tuesday night at our 3 year old's pre-school. I told Tom about my asking the kids what the family rules were and their response -- hold hands in the parking lot for the three year old, brush teeth for the five year old, ... a total of five rules. I thought it was cute what they told me. He was very upset that I would discuss family rules without him.

Two days ago, when he again brought this up for about the 4th time, I said it was inadvertent -- I had no idea that he would be upset by my asking the kids what they thought the family rules were. He said that I was being inconsiderate, just like he has been. I sat their flabbergasted -- was he drawing an analogy between his affair and abuse and my asking the kids the family rules? I went to bed again.

He came to bed and I told him that my tolerance is paper-thin. He had told me that a drug and chemical dependency counselor from his anger management group had said that alcoholics can tolerate a lot of alcohol and then suddenly get drunk on one drink, and I told him that I think I can no longer tolerate his treatment of me. I told him about you and MT3B and said that I think women reach a point where they just don't care any more, and I am so close that I am considering separating to protect what is left of my desire to reconcile.

Yesterday, Harley recommended that I file for legal separation. His language was pretty strong: "As I've said repeatedly, 15 hours of undivided attention is the minimal condition for restoring marriage after an affair, and he's been unwilling to give you that much time. Since then, you've learned that he's not even willing to meet your needs during the time that he has agreed to give you undivided attention. If he'd never had an affair, and if he'd never been physically violent with you, you could probably muddle through long enough to see you children get through school. But under the present circumstances, I think a separation is all you have left to protect yourself from repeated disappointment."

Last night, Tom said he'd like to restart with this MB program and have us spend 15 hours together.

I'd just appreciate your reaction to this and also I wanted to ask you if there was a point of time where you went from caring to not caring. If there was a "straw that broke the camel's back" or if it just became obvious to you that wouldn't believe him no matter what he said.

You seem to have passed a point of reconciliation, and I think I am close to having passed a point of reconciliation, but I'm not sure if I have gotten there yet.

Cherished

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Cherished -

I would follow the Harley's advice. Unfortunately I never called them. Plus I didn't do that great on the MB plan. I let everything go on too long, listening to WH's words, and hoping he was being sincere.

Finally I realized that he is just not willing to give me enough. And I want someone who is wants to be with me. I've been alone for 17 months, and my life without WH is much better than with him.

WH has made practically no effort and it just got very tiring. He drops a letter by every couple of weeks, and I just read it and throw it in the pile. It is no longer painful for me.

Believer --
Thanks for the reply. It's hard to give up hope, but there's no point living a fantasy.
Cherished

Last night, Tom said he is now willing to follow the MB program and spend 15 hours per week together. Harley said that there is no need to separate if he follows through on his commitment. I explained to Tom that, if we have another dip, I will want to separate to preserve what remains of my desire to reconcile.

What is so strange to me is that I don't really see what is the breaking point. Maybe you don't know what it is until you reach it but I recognize that I am very, very close to not caring.

Your story is a lesson to me, and it gives me courage to separate -- actually file for legal separation, as Dr. Harley recommended -- if we cannot follow this program from here on out.

Cherished

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 07:56 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>