Some of you responded to a question I posted a month ago about my recovery being stalled and whether exposure was the right way to go. I have finally done it. Sent an email to the OM's wife this morning. I'll have to wait and see what happens.

To those of you who encouraged me to expose, a big thanks. I know it can be frustrating for some of you "veterans" out there when newbie's don't seem to get it. But please know your comments do get through and they do help. We each have to take our own steps in life, at our own pace.

Thanks again and I'll let you know who it goes.
-BS

Good Job. Expect your spouse to be furious. They all are. Let us know what happens next.

BS,

Exposure is helpful for the BS and eventually Xws. The WS will hate it but they hate everything good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

To see a BS take the right attitude and take these posts to heart makes us feel good.

Thanks,
L.

Update...there is no update. No word back from the OM's W, no screaming or yelling from my WW. I guess she hasn't seen the email yet. Perhaps she wasn't at work.

This is melodramatic after the big build up in nerve it took me to hit the send button and very nerve racking as I am jumping every time my phone rings, expecting it to be my WW calling.

I'll post again when something happens. Thanks again for your spport.

When and if the call comes, remember to stay cool, calm and collected. Don't give any credibility to stories that might have been told that you're crazy, angry, blah, blah, blah. Remain calm and speak only of the facts you know about. Offer copies of hard evidence you might have. No speculation, no attitude and no anger.

You'll do just fine!

SD

Yea this waiting stuff is hard. Patience is a virtue though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't hold your breathe......remember to breathe.....deep cleansing breathes. No hyperventilating, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Befuddled,

You did the right thing. Of course, your spouse is going to be pissed. Just stay calm and hang in there.

By the way, Befuddled...

I'm curious what you put in the subject line of your email. I hope it's not something that would have gotten snagged by a spam filter.

I thought about that. I made sure it was simple and contained the OM's name. I guess it is possible that, coming from an unknown address, it was filtered into a junk mail folder or simply deleted. We shall see. I believe she only works part time, so it is possible she simply had the day off.

Thanks again for all the encouragement. Tonight I'm going to spend some time preparing myself for the inevitable...take those deep cleansing breaths <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and picture myself emerging from this a better and happier person.
-BS

BS:

Expsoure was the best tool I used with my FWW. I exposed and then I told her who I told. I told her to quit contact, she didn't and I would tell more people. I actually layed out a plan and said I will tell all of the people on my list if NC was not implemented. It finally worked. Exposure disrupts the affair and it tests the strength of the affair relationship. Since most affairs are built on lies and deception, they have no real cornerstone or foundation and they crumble quicky. Exposure knocks the legs out from underneath the parties.

Good job.

TooSoon

Not really much for me to add here,

Just wanted to say congrats on the exposure.
It takes a lot of guts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm going crazy. I sent the email Monday. Nothing happened so Wednesday I called the OM's W and spoke to her on the phone. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, knowing that what I was about to say was going to result in so much pain for her. But I did it. She had a number of questions that I tried to answer honestly, but with not too much sordid detail. It seemed like she almost didn't believe me, but that was probably just shock. She finished the conversation by saying that she was going to drive down to his office. I spent the rest of the afternoon waiting for the screaming call from my WW. Nothing.

My wife drove up to my apartment last night (we live in separate towns, she commutes to my city once a week for classes on Thursday), still nothing. I am pretty sure she is going to his office this morning for a "visit" under the guise of seeing some of her old co-workers. Every time she calls I take a deep breath, expecting her to be screaming when I pick up the phone.

Now I'm at the point of hoping she will be screaming the next time she calls. If not, it means the OM's W has not confronted him about the A. If so, is it because she doesn't believe me? because she needs sometime to digest the information? because she wants to catch him red-handed for purposes of divorce/child custody?

It took me so long to gear myself up to do this, I guess I'm ready for it to be "over with." To deal with the fallout and see where this big gamble has gotten me. The waiting is murder.

Sorry for the rambling post. There is just so much going through my head right now. Thanks again for your support.
-BS

Well,
I finally got the call from WW. She was strangely calm. In fact, it reminded me of something I heard one time - "don't worry about the lunatic who screams and rants, worry about the quiet guy in the corner with the strange smile on his face"

We agreed to talk when she got home later tonight. She did start in a little bit, saying I had "brought her down along with him" that I had ruined his life, etc. IOW, blaming me for the result of their actions.

I think what I'm most worried about isn't the screaming and yelling that might ensue later, but the abscence of that. What if this exposure doesn't phase her at all? I've already decided that there will be a secod round - as people have suggested the "concentric circles of exposure." And then Plan B if that doesn't work.

-BS

BS,

Here's hoping for the best! Keep us posted!

Well done BS. Sit back and watch for a while now while the yeast works through the dough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BS, hang in there, you did the right thing. You won't see good results right off the bat, but further down the road when the affair crumbles. And whatever you do, don't let her con you into thinking you have done something wrong. What is wrong here is the adultery, NOT the exposure. What hurt the OMW was the adultery. And truth is always the solution to adultery.

But yes, I would prepare to do some further exposure right away. I personally advocate getting it all done in one day because it is much easier to deal with one lovebuster than several spread out over time.

Also, when you do it in stages, you risk the WS pre-empting you. And when the WS pre-empts you, the story is always spun in false light usually with the BS, that be YOU, starring as the nutjob!

Having just had the experience I did less than 36 hours ago, I wholeheartedly feel that you did the right thing. Any way you can shine the light of day on the A, go for it. It can't survive out in the open.

Your wife will be irate, I almost guarantee it...I just pray you don't have to go through what I did when my WW learned that I had exposed it to OMW.

HH - I read your thread on exposure. Good thing you can duck quickly! My night wasn't nearly as dramatic as your story. WW alternated between being sad, blaming me, crying, threatening divorce, asking why, etc. I think she was thrown off by my calm demeanor and by some of the things I said or didn't say. I had been practicing reverse babble all day in my head and actually managed to do it a few times, a first for me. So a big thanks to all the reverse babble instructors out there. It helped me get through a difficult time.

By the end of the night it seemed some of ray of reality was getting through the fog. She left this morning on semi-cordial terms and we agreed to talk later today.

Thanks again for all the support.

They sure do get furious when you mess up their nice little arrangement, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My situation was different, I was the WW, the OM was the WH, the only way I could get past the A and rebuild, was to expose A to my H and OM's W.
OM didn't like that at all....he had told his W a lot of lies. She ended up calling me, and we talked, very calmly, for more than an hour. She knew he was having an A, but she was more hurt that once found out, he had lied to her about how long it had went on, etc.
Now that she knows the truth, she understands more and it has helped her on the path to recovery.
One of the biggest slaps in the face to the betrayed spouse is to lie to them, and believe that they cannot handle the truth. The affair hurts, the truth helps rebuild