About 4 years ago I took a job promotion that included a relocation. I have four young kids. I know I took my wife for granted and ignored her emotional needs – big time. It was never intentional but looking back on it; I know how I neglected her and am ashamed at my behavior as a husband. About a year after the relocation I knew my marriage was suffering and rededicated myself to restoring my relationship with my wife. I was using the book "What Every Woman’s Desires" as my bible (a book my wife bought for me) and was seeing a marriage counselor. We went to two marriage counseling sessions together but my wife felt is was doing us more harm than good. I continued to see a counselor on my own. I was putting my heart and soul into our relationship for over two years. However, the harder I tried the further she pushed me away. My counselor said that she strongly believe my wife was having an affair. My counselor was right. Unknown to me, my wife met an unmarried man while at a bar when she went back home to visit friends. They soon began having a "long distance" affair. My WS would travel home for a week every 6 to 8 weeks to "see friends and family" or for "work". I normally took vacation or used a sitter to watch the kids when she was gone. This physical and emotional affair lasted for over 3 years. I suspected this for quite a while but had no "proof" and was frightened of the consequences of confronting her. About 10 weeks ago I found proof positive of the affair - love letters, pictures..ect. I was crushed. I confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair - how could she not with the evidence I had found. I begged her to forgive me for neglecting her and not giving her the love and attention she deserved. I begged her to stay. She had broken off the physical part of the relationship about 6 months previous but was still emotionally involved with this unmarried man. My wife said she was sorry and wanted to make our marriage work.

I am again working hard at rebuilding our marriage. I believe my wife loves me, but I can tell she is struggling. She shows little affection towards me, never initiates physical contact, and I believe she blames me for "pushing" her into the affair. She maintains contact with her ex-lover and keeps his love letters, cards and photos. This is almost more than I can withstand. I have told her so but she said she just can't severe contact with her ex-lover.

We were seeing a counselor but after 90 minutes of counseling he basically said that we both knew what we had to do and our expectations of marriage were basically congruent. I was shocked. During the two sessions my wife hardly said a thing. I admitted my fault in our difficulties and my responsibilities but she only said she was looking for the emotional support that I didn't provide.


Prior to D-Day, my wife expressed her desires to relocate back home. I knew at that time our marriage was in jeapordy and was willing to do almost anything to help save it. Thus, I began a job search to get back "home".

Shortly after D-day, I was offered a job back "home". Despite this putting us 45 minutes away from the OM, I agreed to accept the job since that is what we thought would be best for our family. It is what my wife passionately desires. I am giving up a solid reputation built over 12 years with a fantastic company but I feel as though I need to make an investment in our relationship.

However,over the past few weeks, I find myself more and more depressed every day. Although my wife and I talk more than we have over the past 4 years, she still does not confide in me or does not initiate any physical contact with me. I feel like I am falling into another deception. Once we relocate back to "home", she will start her physical relationship with the OM. She has already "deceived" me at least twice since D-Day concerning her communications with the OM. On both occasions when I confronted her she did not deny the incidents but significantly "downplayed" the situations.

She has said that her counselor said that I am being to "Controlling" and that I have an anger issue. She is seeing the same counselor who said we were fine after 90 minutes - I told him to his face that he was "missing the boat" and that he "had to be kidding". He also said it was inappropriate when I lost my temper during a discussion with my wife shortly after D-Day. (It was the one and only time)

Despite all of this I love my wife. I will fight for her and endure almost anything to prove my love to her. If she walks away then I know that I will have done everything possible to save our marriage. It is the most painful experience of my life. I have tried to put my ego, pride and self-respect aside.

I just don't know how long I can go on like this - waiting for "intimacy". In one month we move home. This has me scared as hell. I have told her that. She will not commit to not seeing the OM once we move home. She said he was too important at such a critical time in her life.

Any advice on how to handle my emotions, the situation, or how long I should wait for her to end her "emotional affair" with the OM would be appreciated.

Hello SLICC,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you need to be here.I noticed too that you posted a few other times.

Ok.First of all,know that what you are going through is rather common,unfortunately though.And,you are very early in all this so you are in for a long haul.I am sure you feel like your world has been blasted apart and the pain is monumental.I'll start by giving you a plan of action since you probably don't know which way is up right now.

1)I don't know when you found out about the affair(A) exactly but it sounds like you need a new counselor.A PRO marriage one like Steve Harley.I am not sure if your W's counselor really told her that you were being controlling.A lot of WS's say that because they just don't like to be confronted about the A especially if they are trying to keep it secret and they are holding it dear to them like some precious little....you know like Golem,in the Lord of the Ring: The Two Towers.Even though it's evil incarnate,the ring appears beautiful and precious to the beholder despite it making them sick.It's important to have professional help during this crisis and you need someone whom you both feel good about.

2) Get the books SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley to start.Other good books are 'Torn Asunder' and 'Not just Friends'.Take a look at what the EN(emotional needs) list is and review it.

3) Read up on Plan A and what it means and how to implement it.This is what you should be concentrating on for now.I know that it will be very hard for you to try and fill your WS's needs right now but it's important despite your pain.Your WW has been involved with this predatory other man(OM) for 3 years now.The likelyhood of her giving him up anytime soon is low.She is going to need a lot of help and may initially not want to do that at all,which is apparent already by suggesting that she may not be able to stop contact with him when you move.

4)Exposure.You need to tell just about everyone who may make a difference about this A.That includes all family members,both sides,and any friends or coworkers that may be able to put pressure her.Since this OM doesn't work with your WW and lives a distance away,you need to make it as hard as you can to keep them from seeing each other comfortably and shedding the light on the ugliness of this situation.She will be mad,that is a side effect but it is very necessary.You will also need support to be able to endure this and family usually can help in this area.

5) Give yourself TIME.Do not make any decisions either way until at least 6 months or more.This is way too volatile and emotional a situation for you to be thinking about leaving.But DO stay right now and follow the plans and our advice here if you want a chance to save your marriage.Your marriage deserves it and so do any children you may have.

6) Keep coming back to post here and vent your feelings.Things will get better but face the fact that it may be with or without your WW(hopefully with).That is the reality.You don't know what will happen,just be prepared for any outcome right now,ok?

7) If you find that you are unable to eat,sleep and/or function properly during the day and night and are extremely emotional,discuss this with your doctor.AD's(antidepressants) can help sometimes.Many of us here are or were on them amd I can say for myself,that they helped a great deal for the 10 months I was taking them.They helped to stabilize my emotions and helped me to sleep and eat,which I didn't do for the first month.

Hope this helps to start.

O

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I had to respond...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by IamSLICC:
I know I took my wife for granted and ignored her emotional needs – big time. It was never intentional but looking back on it; I know how I neglected her and am ashamed at my behavior as a husband. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SO familiar...

My H did the same; neglected me and my needs, took me for granted. I begged for time with him, but got nowhere. The difference is- he had the A. Go figure.

It takes two to get an M to where an A is a possibility, but if she was feeling neglected, it was up to her to tell you so- you cant mind read. And he turning to another person is a poor decision on her part to fill her void.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am again working hard at rebuilding our marriage. I believe my wife loves me, but I can tell she is struggling. She shows little affection towards me, never initiates physical contact, and I believe she blames me for "pushing" her into the affair. She maintains contact with her ex-lover and keeps his love letters, cards and photos. This is almost more than I can withstand. I have told her so but she said she just can't severe contact with her ex-lover.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's fogged. DOnt know how much of the MB stuff you are familiar with, but when a WS is still in the throws of an A (even afte getting caught), they will say and do things such as this. It helps them with the guilt and horror that they will definately feel over what they have done.

She has to have NC with this man in order for this M to survive. She has to write a NC letter (approved by you) and MAIL it to him. She will then go into withdrawal (if she is serious about NC) and will most likely continue the fog talking and LB'ing until he is out of her system- some view the whole A thing as an addition that they have to beat.

Prior to D-Day, my wife expressed her desires to relocate back home. I knew at that time our marriage was in jeapordy and was willing to do almost anything to help save it. Thus, I began a job search to get back "home".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shortly after D-day, I was offered a job back "home". Despite this putting us 45 minutes away from the OM, I agreed to accept the job since that is what we thought would be best for our family. It is what my wife passionately desires. I am giving up a solid reputation built over 12 years with a fantastic company but I feel as though I need to make an investment in our relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm worried about this. You are doing more than your fair share at trying to repair this M. I'm worried that you W may be manipulating you into the move (you will do anything to keep her happy) that will get her closer to the OM. If there are moves, usually it is to get away from the OP.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has already "deceived" me at least twice since D-Day concerning her communications with the OM. On both occasions when I confronted her she did not deny the incidents but significantly "downplayed" the situations.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not good. If she is still contacting him before you move closer, I would bet she will continue when you get to your new place. In fact, you said she will not agree to NC below.

Get rid of the MC and find one who works for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't know how long I can go on like this - waiting for "intimacy". In one month we move home. This has me scared as hell. I have told her that. She will not commit to not seeing the OM once we move home. She said he was too important at such a critical time in her life.

Any advice on how to handle my emotions, the situation, or how long I should wait for her to end her "emotional affair" with the OM would be appreciated.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep Plan A'ing. Deposit more into her love bank and you be the one who meets her needs- find out what they are. Insist on NC in order fo this M to work. Expose the A to the OP's family, your family (A's love the dark, when the light is shined on it, it loses it's appeal), be good to you, you may want to look into getting on an anti-depressant (most find they help a lot). And keep coming here for support.


I'm sorry that you find yourself here

Just know that all the emotions you are feeling now are normal

I hope this helps,
albw

Thanks for the advice and the words of encouragement. I see a new counselor tomorrow. My W will continue with the current counselor. I feel we need to be in counseling together but she believes she needs to work through her issues first.

I discussed with her again my "request" for her to make a NC agreement. I positioned it as a "request" understanding that it was her decision and that I was not trying to "control" her. I clearly stated that her continued contact with the OM was causing me great pain. I also clearly stated that my love and commitment was unconditional. I tried not to use Love Busters.

She simply did not reply to my request.

I have told one person in our family/social circle about her A. It was her brother who is also a very close friend of mine. He does not live near us. She is very upset that I discussed it with him. She even wrote in a "Love Letter" that she was angry that I disclosed a very "personal and private situation" with others. I had a difficult time not reverting to a LB on this one. Due to her request I have told no others. I do know that her closest friend knows. She was even an "accomplice" in her affair, covering for her on several occassions. Her friend divorced her husband 4-years ago after she had an affair with a married man at her work.I don't believe she is giving my W "great advice" or any pressure to quit seeing the OM.

I know of two very close friends of my wife's - who I also know well - who would put pressure on her to end her contact but I just can't take the risk of her finding this unforgiveable. I know she would find such action a "betrayal". Ironic, huh?

Additionally, I know our minister, who my wife and I both respect and have great admiration for, would be a great influence. Unfortunately our counselor (now only my wife's) supported my wifes decision to maintain contact and to keep her love letters, cards, and pictures. He said that the relationship and items were "emotionally important and significant" and my request was unreasonable.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement. Is comforting to know that there is support out there and others who have gone through and are going through what my W and I are going through. I will continue to pray, keep the faith, and give it my all.

Hi again,

It sounds like you are already going with the flow here at MB.I can hear some strength in your post that usually does not show up for some time so that's good.Just be ready for what we call the "rollercoaster".Every day yields many different emotions and it can be exhausting.

Just a few things for this post.First,I can understand your apprehension at exposing your WW to people.Just about everyone that first arrives here feels this way.But the truth is,even though your WW will be mad,and she is,this is one of the best ways to burst the fantasy bubble of the A.If she and her OM cannot keep it a secret anymore and important people know about it,especially those closest to her and yourself,it doesn't make it so exciting anymore nor comfortable.Now people know.She has to face possible ridicule,anger,confusion and pain from those she loves.Not a pretty sight but a necessary one for her to start to realize that A's have major consequences.

And in all the time I have been here(a little over a year) exposing has yet to be THE sole reason a marriage never recovers IMO.In fact,it one of the best ways to try and save it.Most WS's huff and bluff and threaten that "if you ever tell anyone else,we are done!" etc.Not true.

I have to say I am quite surprised at your WW's counselor too.With all due respect,he sounds like a quack.Any decent and knowledgable counselor does NOT support adultery.For heavens sake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Suggestions of keeping momentos and feeding into the A is just plain negligent.

So,how about the parents and Minister? Do you think you can gather enough strength to tell them? I think it would be wise but if you need more convincing in this area,keep reading and look for WAT's Affair exposure 101 thread.

Take care.

O