I have been married for 10 years and have two kids, I have been madly in love with a man that I worked with for more than 5 years and have known for over 1o years. I truly feel he is my soul mate and I really want to be with him and I know he feels the same for me, the problem is, is he is still married in a horrible relationship and so am I. Mine isnt that horrible but i am not in love with my husband. I really dont know what the right thing to do is, no matter how hard I try to love my husband it just isnt there. I sometimes wish that there was a way to end my marriage but I worry about my kids, they are only 8 and 6 and I dont want them to hate me If i leave their dad...Really what do you do when you are so in love with someone and want to be with them but there are all of these obstacles..Is this a horrible thing that i am experiencing, should I run for the hills and stay away..My heart hurts so bad and I love this other man so much I cant stand it anymore..Does anyone have any suggestions?

Yeah- stop letting the other man meet your needs and you will be amazed at how much love you still have for your H. You have chosen this life. You chose to let your heart wonder to a married man while you are married yourself. You need to change your job, and move or something, get away from this man, you are no good for eachother. No good at all. You are married, try to save that marriage if you can. If you can not then do not leave for this other man. You both had wondering eyes during your own marriage, how long do you think your actual relationship will be?????

Was the Om married when you 2 met? Is that why you didn't marry him - from your post it looks as if you met him b-4 you married your current BH.

I must say as long as you continue contact w/OM you won't be true to trying to love, honor and cherish your current husband. No marriage can survive a third party..It just pulls you and pulls you down and you can't let yourself fix what's broken.

Keep posting we are here to help you .

Do not leave your husband for this other man. You will be sorry for the rest of your life. I agree with T in the Road, you hava allowed yourself to have these feelings for this other man and he has allowed himself to have them for you. It is all wrong and is a fantasy. Not reality, as you have with your husband. The fantasy world is easy, reality takes work and dedication.

Have you been having a physical affair with this other man?

Your children will never recover from you leaving. Never. You need to do some research on this type of thing. See the damage that is caused when adults do what feels good instead of what they should do. You need to forget this other man and rebuild your relationship with your husband.

(edited because I didn't realize you had said you'd been married for 10 yrs.)

ng

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: naivegirl ]</small>

First step: As hard as it seems it is, you need to be honest with your Husband and let him know what is happening. It is only fair to him to be able to make an informed decision himself.

If he is like me he probably has no idea that he is not meeting all of your needs, and is not fully aware that you are unhappy. The affair is a construct of yours to get your unmet needs met. I am willing to bet that your H is willing to learn how to meet these needs, but as long as the A is continuing without his knowledge, you aren't even giving him a chance to meet these needs.

The A is a fantasy world, and at some point that fantasy will come to an end, and there are only three options where you will be at then.

Option 1--you are divorced, and your kids are suffering from it.

Option 2--you have figured out a way to fix your marriage with your H help, and things are much better.

Option 3--you mistakenly think you can replace your marriage with a relationship/marriage with the OM, and find out that you are even more unhappy. These relationships only work about 1 out of 100 times.

So do yourself a favor. Find a marriage counselor, and have them help you come clean with your H. Point him to this site, and you will probably be amazed at what changes he can make once he realizes the depth of feeling you have about this.

Keep posting, there is a lot of help here. Good Luck.

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: trippnbillies ]</small>

I appreciate such a quick response...I met this man before I was married I started working for the company he owns, It started with just eye contact, he had been married only a year and a half when his married was already bad but she had just had their only child.I watched her be very cruel to him and their son, he loved his son too much to leave his wife and I would never have asked him to leave her.Two years later I got married and he cried so bad the day before..It is sad that two people that love each other so much met too late. My husband and I had a bad relationship from day one and probably shouldnt have ever gotten married...but I was close with his parents and I think just the excitment of getting married is what led me to marriage..I no longer work for this other man but we still talk on the phone more now than ever. I love him so much that I really dont know what to do and I feel bad that I do not love my husband but we are in two different directions with wants and needs. My husband is very selfish and we have had endless discussions about our relationship but nothing has really made it better. My mom says I need to stay with him for the kids and maybe she is right but is that fair to me or m y husband for that matter. I am so alone and confused there is no one that I trust enough to share this with so you guys out there are it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by naivegirl:
<strong>
Your children will never recover from you leaving. Never. You need to do some research on this type of thing. See the damage that is caused when adults do what feels good instead of what they should do. You need to forget this other man and rebuild your relationship with your husband.

ng </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOu know I think this is NOT entirely correct. PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER STAY IN BROKEN MARRIAGE TO KEEP THE CHILDREN FROM BEING FROM A BROKEN HOME. I agree with doing everything possible to save a marriage when there are kids involved, BUT BLINDLY stating that all marriages with children should never be dissolved IS WRONG !!!!!!!!!!! Children would rather come from a broken home THAN LIVE IN ONE !!!!!!!!!!1

It is possible that your relationship will not work. It is also possible that there is untapped potential, and you don't know yet how good it can be.

The only way to find out is to start some counseling, and be open and honest with your H. And, end the A. If OM is unwilling to leave his W, you don't even have a false hope of making a fulfilling relationship with him. Even if he were willing to leave, you have only a 1/100 chance. Relationships built on lies and deception don't have a very long shelf-life.

During an affair, the reality of a marriage just cannot compare with the fantasy world created inside of the A. Your M, and your H may not be beyond repair. However, as long as the A continues the M will probably seem like a used Chevy compared to a brand new Beamer.

Bottom line is you need to get off the fence and start doing something to make your life better.

Lemonman, you are wrong about that. Studies show that as long as there is no physical abuse in the household that children are better off with a mom and dad whether they have a good relationship or not.

Set that point aside. Passion has not done everything possible to save her M, in fact she has done nothing to help her sitch since the day she was M. She M her H under false pretenses and, I for one, feel sorry for the man. He thought on his wedding day he was getting her whole heart and commitment, instead he got a half [censored]*d effort.

Passion, you have not given your H a chance at all to fill your needs. You want to be fair? Move, go with no contact for 2 years, if you and the OM still feel the same way, good luck to the two of you. I seriously doubt that if you give a serious effort to save your M.

P.S. Back to the children. I, for one, would die for my child. Going through life in a loveless, but stable marriage seems a much smaller price to pay for the well-being of my son.

Thank you lemonman, and to everyone...I am taking in all of your comments and suggestions..I feel that staying with my husband isnt fair to him..Things with this other man are different than most other couples..I know you are all saying "yeah right" but we started as friends and I honestly can say he is everything i have always wanted in a man, but unfortunately we met a year too late..I adore his parents and was there when his mom died from breast and brain cancer it was like losing my own mother..We didnt see or talk to each other much after that but I thought about him everyday..Then one day while I was at work he called to see how I was doing..I just love him so much there really arent enough words too express it, when I see him my face light up and so does his and it isnt a physical thing, it is way deeper than that, I truly believe he is my soul mate...I do not want to hurt my kids cause I am the sole provider with them, my husband basically does nothing with them or for them..I am married but like a single parent..I often wonder what life would have been like for me if I didnt get married..I dont wish my kids away by any means they are my life but I really want the love that I deserve and it just isnt with my husband, we have tried to talk about things but I guess after all of the bad things that have happened between us I just cant get past it and I honestly can say that I was never truly IN LOVE with him..I loved him but not IN LOVE...I feel so bad and you guys are great for listening!The other thing that is very weird is that if I think of him real hard the phone will ring and it will be him or if I am thinking of him a song that he would play for me would come on the radio..little things like that as stupid as it may sound..to me our signs of fate! Maybe I am crazy but it was like we were meant to keep coming back to each other.

I just cant get past it and I honestly can say that I was never truly IN LOVE with him..I loved him but not IN LOVE...


That about sums up the mantra of all WS.

I am not sure what WS mean..I am sorry for not following the internet language..I know all of you say be honest with my husband...unfortunately unless I want a death wish that is not possible.He is a very jealous person and that would send him over the edge and I fear something very bad would happen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by passion1_87:
..Does anyone have any suggestions? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be honest with the lives you touch. Tell your husband about the affair. He deserves the truth about someone he is sharing his life with. One note of caution*** If there is any chance of your H being violent with you ... take precautions.

You cannot continue to live a double life. You are neither here nor there, not in or out.

Tell your husband, and have the MM tell his wife. Everyone needs to know.

Anything less than honesty in this situation only serves to diminish your integrity further.

Start with honesty. Always.

Read "Torn Asunder" by Carder. Decide which type of affair yours is. There is nothing *NOTHING* unique or especially wonderful about your affair. Affairs all end badly because they are dishonest.

So, shine the light of truth on your affair ... then you will have reality to deal with. When you are dealing with reality, the correct choices may often be clearer to you.


Pep

A WS is a wayward spouse.

So, are you and OM having a physical affair, or an emotional one, or both?

[physical means sex or touching of any sort that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse/boss/child]

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bear04:
<strong> Lemonman, you are wrong about that. Studies show that as long as there is no physical abuse in the household that children are better off with a mom and dad whether they have a good relationship or not.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SHOW ME THESE **** STUDIES THEN!!!!!!!!!Give me the journals so that I can trek to my medical library and pull them. This is just an excuse for guilty parents not wanting to get a divorce when they are *****miserable in their marriages and lives.

I can speak from personal EXPERIENCE here !!!! I can tell you that life would have been much better for me and my brothers and sisters if my MOM and Dad would have gotten divorced. THEY STAYED TOGETHER FOR US in a loveless marriage. We lived on egg shells waiting for the next argument or threat of Dad or Mom leaving. We all played teh dysfunational part so that there would be "peace" at home. We played our role as pawns for our parents affections. We all did what we could so that MOM AND DAD COULD STAY TOGETEHR. becaseu we thought that would haev made us happy. What a complete load of *******!!!!!!! THERE WAS no Physical Abuse in my family. . I want you to ****show me a reputable source that advocates staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children. Ofocurse any quack with a PH.D can make this suppostion, but I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH THIS THINKING ! WAKE UP !!!!!!!!!!! The kids KNOW the truth. You don't fool anybody.

God this topic pisses me off sooo much. I CAN SPEAK FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE ON THIS, so don't tell me about "studies".

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Passion,

It seems that you have made your decision. So...you need to tell your husband ASAP. And...you need to be honest with him.

He is going to be stunned and devastated. And..he may even want to work on the marriage. Are you going to refuse himthe chance to do that?

WOW.

Uhm, good, you should be afraid...you should be even more afraid of your husband finding this out under a 'spur of the moment' type situation.

Your rationalizing your own fears...oh well.

By the way, thanks for being such a sacrificial noble person, and marrying a person you loved, but weren't in love with, and having sex with that person, and giving birth to that person... and, if your husband is such a terrible bump on a log, why would you even think your kids would care if you left him? I mean, gosh, he doesn't work, he doesn't care for the kids..I mean, he just stays in bed all day and doens't move...

Give me a break. Perhaps your more worried that your kids will discover that you are an adultress. It really sucks when the fantasy gets put into reality.

If you read the info on this site and also others about affairs (other than ones dedicated to keeping A's alive) and the testimonies of those who have been through A's you will notice something VERY strange! Virtually ALL wandering spouses have very, very, very similar stories. It is almost a script. Their marriage had problems--uh, whose doesn't--they didn't talk directly to their spouse about it and INSIST that the problems be solved FIRST, before they began a relationship outside their M. The WS slowly starts giving their all to the affair partner while taking it away from their spouse and all the while re-writing history to the tune of "We shouldn't have gotten M, I was never really in love" etc. All rationalizations.

I could go on and on. The affair is a fantasy world that becomes addicitive. It is like a perpetual state of romantic love because none of the every day realities of life intervene. It is exciting, stolen time, passionate because you don't have to clean up after them or rely on them to pay bills or whatever goes with family life and REALITY! Did you know that less than 2% of relationships that begin as an A last?

You are currently in the fog, and DEEP.

You owe it to yourself, your family and the OM to read up on this area. Read this site, Surviving An Affair and also Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass so that you understand the dynamics of your situation.

As Dr. Phil says, you need to earn your way out of your M and you are FAR, far, from that. By giving all your love and attention etc. to the OM you are guaranteeing that your M won't work. REad, read, read the posts of some FORMER wandering spouses on here for their perspectives and experience AND those of us Betrayed Spouses so you will come to true consciousness of what you are doing to your H, your kids and yourself in your life of dishonesty.

this one is for noodle....In the past many years ago when i worked for him we were very physical and lately we have just been talking on the phone and when I have seen him it has been very passionate kisses and hugs, no sex.