Passion, you have not said one positive thing about your husband on this thread.

What an a-hole he must be. No?

GC

PASSION--dont you see how you are making your poor unknown husband look? He is completely unaware of all this! Is this fair to him?
Put yourself in his shoes,change positions, would you like it if he was the one talking like that about you? Being connected emotinally to another woman?
No one,unless,they are masochists, would like that treatment or words.

MYRTA

Dear Passion:

I feel very sad for you. You must feel very lonely, very much like you are in some sort of limbo. Please remember you chose your husband and your husband chose you. The other man hasn't and he won't chose you; he has made it clear that he won't leave his wife. You know that in your heart. You need time away from him for your head to understand that clearly.

No matter what you are in for a lot of pain. You are already are.

I am not trying to bash him by telling lies, he is the way he is and I dont know how to make things better. He expects me to be the house wife by cleaning, cooking, waiting on him and taking care of the kids, working two jobs, and what do I get in return...From him nothing but "this house is a mess" While he sits on his butt and does nothing. He has this job for the State of NY where he has had the entire summer off and never did one thing around the house. HE is still off and I come home from work to find a mess in the house, the kids homework never done, and he expects dinner on the table which I do and then leave for my other job only to come home at 9pm and find all of the dishes and kitchen a mess and kids hoomework still isnt done, and where is he playing xbox or watching tv. Isnt a marriage suppose to be 50/50. Well in my case it isnt and we have had more than one discussion on this and it doesnt seem to do any good. I realize no one is perfect but over the last year I have been through hell with my health, I have arthirtis so bad that I have to be tested for lymph node cancer every 6 mos. cause the form of arthritis that I have could lead to cancer of the blood, I have had to have surgery on my rectum for tearing a muscle from lifting a heavy object(kitchen counter top) I couldnt get him to move it when we put the new one in so I did it myself and now suffering for that, In June I had a kidney stone that I got rushed to the hospital for by ambulance, then this december i have to have more blood work done for more cancer tests and I suffer from tension and stress. Well I wonder why, maybe cause I do it all by myself so again I ask all of you pro marriage people what do I do to get my husband to come around and help me out more. Is he waiting for something really bad to happen to me physically before he realizes! And I am not suppose to be resentful to him for his behavior for all of this.

With your constant distraction and obsession with your addiction to your OM you have kept yourself from really being a wife to your H.

Though he may not know what has been missing in his marriage; he may think this is how marriages are supposed to be...devoid of any connection. He knows nothing else because he is left in the dark. Your focus has been dwelling on what could be or should have been with OM. It has been you and your OM against the world.

You have been justifying your actions with excuses like: I really wanted to have the wedding part of marriage. I wanted kids. All the while pining for the OM even when you weren't seeing him for stretches of time. You have never really committed to your H. You haven't earned your way out of this marriage.

You will never know what your marriage could be because you have never been honest with your H. Would you be happy if you found out he had married you even though he was having a physical A with and OW and having intimate, personal conversation with her for the better part of your marriage? Wouldn't it make you feel ripped off, and a bit nauseous?

You have been a very self-centered woman. Everything you have blamed your H for could be a result of your not nurturing and loving your H as a wife should. You've not really been present in your marriage.

I want you to understand that if you can end all contact with OM and commit to radical honesty with your H and follow the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage:

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

...you can fall in love with your H and have a better marriage with the father of your children than you ever could have by breaking up your families and trying to have something with OM.

I am sorry you have wasted so much of your marriage thinking the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence. What a waste.

Please know that you can recover from this affair and regain your integrity...and even find happiness.

I am sorry for all the health problems you have been having. The stress caused by all your resentment and your pent up emotions due to your A and the dishonesty surrounding that don't help your health at all.

Letting the resentment go, forgiving, being honest, and seeking forgiveness for your part in your lack of a fullfilling marriage may help your on many levels...not the least of which may be your health. You are very young to have all these illnesses.

Read this site, get your H on board to have a better marriage than you could ever have dreamed possible. The rest may fall into place. It won't be without pain and lots of work. If you can both make it through it will be well worth the effort.
No pain, no gain applies to marital recovery too.

Lemonman-- Look like I hit a spot yesterday with that post about the children. My sources for my statement were actaually a University of Notrre dame study I read. It is very similar to the Ohio State study referenced earlier. I have also heard it on Dr. Laura and other radio talk shows.

First off, loveless M, different from constant shouting matches and dysfunctionality that you described. What I was talking about is what some of the other posters alluded to. If there is constant shouting, fighting, etc., of course shildren shouldn't be in that environment.

i am sorry if I hurt your feelings, not my intention. My statement was just as it said, based on studies. Also, based on my statement of what I would be willing to do for my child...swallow my pride and the fact that my W committed a dispicable act, a mortal sin, and work on our M and try to save it for my child's future. I have been called a martyr, whatever, my taker is out to lunch and I'm doing what I believe any parent should do, putting my needs second to my child's.

Indeed, a beautiful love story. Obviously you have suffered for many years in pursuit of forbidden love...

Tough. You married another man, and now you have to try and make the best of that.

It's not about unrequited love, it's about responsibility. If you have no sense of responsibility, what kind of example are you setting for your kids?

OM is essentially an unfaithful, manipulative liar. What makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you when life gets too ordinary?

Poor you, passion.

You know,a marriage is what you make it and although your H *may not be giving it his all(he needs to be here to speak for himself),did you ever stop to think that maybe,just maybe,he knows something is amiss? YOU are not giving to him because you are involved emotionally with this OM for ALL THIS TIME.HELLOOO? Do you not SEE how ridiculous this all is? Do you know that every single thing you told us in your previous posts we have heard from all other WS's? It's absurd.

None of us is perfect and we all have PROBLEMS(medical,emotional,physical,mental).It's how you deal with those problems that counts.Our actions define us.Do you think for one second that if you up and left your H and kids for this OM that it would be one big bed of roses? Do you think that over time,all the pain and anger and issues that WILL creep up on you and OM too over time will just be magically wisked away? Won't you have just a whole NEW set of issues to deal with? A double divorce with double custody battles,financial ruin,anger,pain,withdrawal,visitation schedules,job pressures,bills,new home purchase issues,etc,etc,etc.

How about taking care of the marriage and family you ALREADY have instead of thinking that the answer lies out there with this OM? YOU have the power to change how you live and what you get out of life.It is within YOU,not some other man,not your H nor anyone else but you.How about making some healthy and right decisions for a change?

O

*edited for typos*

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Passion, you can do it. Your husband needs to be educated, and so do you.

Being a martyr and letting your resentment build is no way to live! You and your husband need to learn to talk about these things.

You know all those thoughts you have all the time, the ones where you have doubts about your marriage, are annoyed with your husband, wish things were different? You need to learn to voice them, and your husband needs to learn to care.

Now say something good about this man you're dragging through the mud!

GC

Passion,

The first thing you do to get your husband to "come around" is to tell him about your affair/love for this other man.

There are many, many people here - me included - who will testify that finding out that their spouse had to turn to someone else to get his or needs met was a HUGE wakeup call that led to a lot introspection - and in many cases, to very significant changes in their marriages.

Here's a question for you: What was it about your husband that made you fall in love with him in the first place? You say now what an awful person he is. But..at some point, you were in love with him. Why?

I agree with Andrew. It was a wake-up call for me, which means, despite the obvious issues, we entered into our marriage happier than ever.

He hurt me a great deal, but luckily we have been forced to change things and affair-proof our marriage for the future.

MB works. Follow the principles to the letter.

Anyone else willing to support this with their own successes?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by passion1_87:
Isnt a marriage suppose to be 50/50. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes.

But have you been giving your 50 to him? He sounds more and more like a man who has not had his needs met in a long time and has given up. You both need to fill each other's needs in order for you both to want to give back to one another.

Your new posts scream that you are still looking for acceptance of your A- and you will never get that here. You speak that your are lonely, that OM's W is "horrible", that H is "horrible". Do you not understand that these are just excuses to continue the A???

I hear blame all around except for when it comes to you and your OM. Funny. It is you 2 who are committing adultery, but that is ok. IT IS NOT OK!

And yes, your description of how your R started is still a fantasy. You have not experienced the everyday ho hum life with him. It is hidden and exciting and in perpetual "romantic love".

I am not as bad as a person as you people are perceiving me to be. I have done everything for my husband through the last 10 years and I have had to listen to my mom and his parents say how I am crazy for doing all the things that I do for him. Maybe now that I am older and want more out of my life I am starting to realize that I need more I work to hard and do to much and basically get no appreciation from my husband. Set aside the OM. He has nothing to do with my marriage going south it has been this way for a long time and we have had couneling and talked one on one and he tries for about a month and then things go right back to the way they were, I am not saying I am going to leave him for this OM, I just think that all of what has happened in my life over the last 13 years is making me take a step back and wonder what it is I am looking for. Marriage, work, life. My kids are my life and they come before anything and if their dad and I were to split it doesnt mean that i am going to pursue anyone. I think that I am in need of some time alone from my husband and Om. I am not happy with some of my life choices but I am living with them. But dont make me out to be this awful person cause I had an affair, We are all only human and we can learn from our mistakes, as far as me telling my husband the truth that is not possible..Unless I want one foot in the grave that is what will happen he can be violent! And no counselor and anything would stop him. And I am not going to have my kids see that happen. That is more devasting than us parting ways quietly. Maybe that is a crappy way of looking at things but that is how I feel. If we stay together which we will I just dont know how to make things better and I also feel that it cant be just me trying he has to, to and that is where we have a problem. Hasnt anyone experienced a person like this?

We are not trying to make you out to feel like a bad person. Everyone here has some idea of what you are feeling. However- Honestly- the OM has a lot to do with the current status of your relationship. You are letting him meet your needs, and not seeking your H out to meet them. You love your kids, great, really. If you are not happy then you need to look into yourself and see why. However I think you do need to be honest with your H about your feelings. Work for a common goal. If you and OM were to persue a R, that would tramatize two families- just make sure it would be worth it in the end.

Passion,

I understand how you feel. You are in a difficult situation. You feel trapped.

But...you came here looking for help because things aren't working. Your original post made it seem like you view the relationship with the OM as a problem.

I appreciate what you say about your H being violent if you tell him. But, I think you have to recognize that things WON'T get better UNLESS you tell him. Unless you tell him, you'll have no incentive to end the affair. Unless you tell him, you'll never know whether he is committed to re-building the marriage.

QUietly going your separate ways doesn't seem like a plausible option because if your husband is the control freak you make him out to be, he'll ASSUME that you left him for someone else, even if you didn't.

As for marriage being 50/50...I used to think that as well. But...I've since learned that I was wrong. To work, marriage has to be 100/100. Both parties have to give all of their best selves to the relationship and to the other person.

Passion,

We don't think of you as a horrible person but rather your choices have been really poor and hurtful.Because we are being tough with you,please don't misinterpret that as not wanting to help.

You have put,and continue to put yourself between a rock and hard place.Years and years of habit and bad personal choices have lead you to exactly where you are this moment.You CAN change that.Making the choice to have an A is never the answer to anything and actually only makes things worse in many ways.You mention you have a H who may seriously hurt you.Well,isn't this the best reason to end the A with OM before he finds out on his own,which by the way,is worse than if you told him? Just how long are you going to keep this secret?

Face it passion,your life is one big mess and a big part of it is due to the A.Of course we don't know you personally and no we haven't followed you around for days to see what your home life is really like.All we can do is try to help with the inofrmation you give us here and well,it's not positive at all.

Professional counseling I think is your best bet right now and maybe even with Steve Harley if you can.

O

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks to all of you!

Passion, nobody is calling you a horrible person. Nobody is aiming their finger at you screaming "J'accuse!" We're just trying to help. Adultery is a dreadful experience for all involved, WS included. We get it!

Have you ever heard of the "age 30 transition"? It goes by other names as well, but it is something experienced by many women these days. There are biological changes that happen to women, usually in their early 30s, that coincide with their marriages reaching a certain duration, and change in career and family status. It's a time when many women begin to look at where they are, and wonder if it is where they want to be, and they begin to question many of their early choices.

Many women have affairs during this time.

Hope4future is a former WS who has a particular interest in this phenomenon - maybe she'll post to you.

Anyway, if your husband is abusive, the whole equation changes. But an affair is not the answer.

If you want to end your marriage, sticking to the "earn your way out" mantra with honesty and maturity is a must, for the sake of all involved. This affair with OM is no solution, now or ever.

Furthermore, having gone to see a counselor with your husband does not give you a pass. Was the counselor any good? How did you choose him/her? There are many, many, waaaay too many counselors out there who are not dedicated to saving marriages, who talk about communication but don't give couples any of the tools they need to truly make changes in their relationships.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not as bad as a person as you people are perceiving me to be. I have done everything for my husband through the last 10 years and I have had to listen to my mom and his parents say how I am crazy for doing all the things that I do for him. Maybe now that I am older and want more out of my life I am starting to realize that I need more I work to hard and do to much and basically get no appreciation from my husband. Set aside the OM. He has nothing to do with my marriage going south it has been this way for a long time and we have had couneling and talked one on one and he tries for about a month and then things go right back to the way they were, I am not saying I am going to leave him for this OM, I just think that all of what has happened in my life over the last 13 years is making me take a step back and wonder what it is I am looking for. Marriage, work, life. My kids are my life and they come before anything and if their dad and I were to split it doesnt mean that i am going to pursue anyone. I think that I am in need of some time alone from my husband and Om. I am not happy with some of my life choices but I am living with them. But dont make me out to be this awful person cause I had an affair, We are all only human and we can learn from our mistakes, as far as me telling my husband the truth that is not possible..Unless I want one foot in the grave that is what will happen he can be violent! And no counselor and anything would stop him. And I am not going to have my kids see that happen. That is more devasting than us parting ways quietly. Maybe that is a crappy way of looking at things but that is how I feel. If we stay together which we will I just dont know how to make things better and I also feel that it cant be just me trying he has to, to and that is where we have a problem. Hasnt anyone experienced a person like this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Set aside the OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't set aside OM because he has been an intergral part of the failure of your marriage. OM has been a part of your marriage even before you married. You can't have a successful marriage with a third party involved.

I know it is hard to realize but the only way for your marriage to have a chance to improve and for your H to have a chance to be the husband you have longed for him to be is with RADICAL HONESTY. He needs to know who he has been married to for these 10 yrs. He needs to know why you have remained distant from him. He needs to make his own choice as to whether you are worth it to him.

Many people do not get the response they expect from their spouse when they tell them the truth. You may be surprised. The sad part will always be the length of time you have kept this A alive. That will be the most devastating part for him. He needs the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Only then can you build a new marriage on a brand new foundation with the man you vowed to be faithful to..your H. It will take a real understanding about just what the word commitment takes. If you do the painful but important work you may be rewarded with the marriage you've longed for. A real partnership as well as better examples for your children.