passion1_87,
Please don't run off. You have to understand that there are quite a few people here who have been in your husband's shoes. The pain is almost unbearable...that's what you're seeing expressed.
I'm a former wayward. I've been where you are. I read your story and I could just change a word or two and make it what I thought mine was. The truth is we adulterer's do follow a very predictable behavior pattern.
I know you don't like admit that to yourself because it means you'd have to admit that your fairy tale isn't so special. You FEEL like it is, but the way you feel about it doesn't make it so.
From what you've described, you don't have a "real" relationship with your OM. I was like this, too. If your honest with yourself, most of that relationship goes on in your head...you obsess about, you feed it, you escape to it when things are dull or stressful.
As someone who's been in your shoes, I'd recommend you do a couple things right off the bat...
1) Terminate contact with the OM. Sure, it's going to feel like you're cutting off an arm, but that arm has gangrene and is poisoning the rest of your life! You can't heal 'till it's gone.
2) Make an appointment with a good individual counselor. You need to find out why you fixate on this OM and get help developing real world coping skills so you won't have to escape.
3) You'll need to tell your husband. If you fear for your safety, work with your counselor to plan this revelation in a safe environment. I know this will be very scary and no one can promise you that the outcome will be good. BUT...from what I've seen here, betrayed spouses almost never respond like the wayward thinks they would.
These are going to be hard things, passion. The hardest is going to be admitting that it's not the OM you love, but the rush of this illicit relationship. This why so many affairs that contune eventually disintegrate. Once the affair is out in the open, the thrill is gone and they find there is no substance to what they had.
I hurt for you, passion, but I think you know what the right thing to do is. You wouldn't have even come here if you didn't know.
I don't think you're a bad person, passion. You're certainly confused...I remember feeling that way. BUT, you have to accept that you are a grown up and you have choices. You chose to do what you've done, now you can choose to fix what you've done. You are not a victim.
I'm not going to try to guilt you into doing the right thing by telling you how much you're hurting your family. That will become apparent to you soon enough.
Good luck with what you choose to do, passion. Just know that you can CHOOSE...and you'll have to to ever have any hope of healing yourself.
Low
