This is a question that's really bugging me. Somebody have an idea? When I finally got WH to talk, he said our biggest problem was an affair I had 20 years ago. I left him during it, we reconciled after about 10 months, then 2 years later (after we moved 1500 miles away from our families, changed jobs, our son was born, and H developed a physical problem that left him handicapped-talk about stress!) I left again for a month to be with OM then came back. I've never seen or had contact with him again. Since then, We've had 2 more children. I've been a dedicated mother, pillar of the community and faithful, loving wife. I feel that it affair-proofed me.

I am not proud of this affair or anything to do with it. I was a different person then. WH had A's before and after that period in our marriage. He actually encouraged me to have the affair and was surprised when it became serious. In retrospect, OM lead me on. I was naive and trusting. In a fog. What I learned about myself was that I can't have that kind of casual relationship, I don't like to lie and I'm still much too trusting.

It was a mistake not to do MC at that time. H didn't want to. I suppose I blocked it out and moved on with a different life. I guess it's been festering all this time. I guess he's used it to justify the things he does. Is this too much of an obstacle? Is it too late to resolve this? We've had a good life for the past 20 years. Was it a lie?

Is it too late to sort through the past? Can it help? Can discussing our views make things better today?

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: HurtingCarol ]</small>

Carol,
He said "our biggest problem was an affair I had 20 years ago"...But he's having an affair NOW and the problem is yours from 20 years ago?

Didn't you do what all the BS's here would love to have their WS's do? Your A ended and you recommitted yourself to your M. For the last 18 years. What more can you do?

Maybe he does have pent up anger and hurt. Maybe he needs to talk about it, to hear that you understand what he felt and feels, that you hate what happened. Have you talked it through?

Maybe he needs your acknowledgement of his pain. Why did he become a WH? Was it to put you through the same pain? Sorry, I haven't read your other posts so I don't know anything other than what you wrote here, but it seems significant that he's now a WH but thinks your A from eons ago is the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Or is it an excuse? A handy justification for his multiple affairs?

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: haywire ]</small>

It's never too late to deal with the past. Providing both partners want to.

Thanks This is an issue I'm going to talk with my IC about. I'm sad WH never talked about it. I guess we did the MB thing years ago without knowing what it was. It's hard to know how WH has felt through the years. Maybe he's mad he "took me back" or something. I thought we had a life. Maybe it was a sham.