My wife agreed and wrote her no contact letter tonight, before I mail it what do you all think.


-----------------------------------------------------

Dear OM,<----- changed to protect scum bag

This is a letter that I‘m writing to you to let you know that I no longer wish to have any form of contact with you. If I should try to call you and you answer, I can’t stress enough the importance of you not taking my calls, please do not accept any of my calls because this would only cause me and my family further pain. I’m also asking that you make no contact with me in any way, again I can’t stress enough of the importance behind this. I have agreed with my husband that if you should try to make contact me, I will have no choice but to inform him of your attempt, this is done so that I may rebuild trust with my husband and my children.

My affair with you was not a good choice and it has hurt a lot of people, namely my husband and three children. I really need to try to pick up the pieces and reconnect with my family. I have caused them a lot of hurt, anguish and mistrust. I have lied to many family members and my own children in trying to keep my affair with you a secret. I no longer will have any kind of secret that could hurt my chances in rebuilding a happy and healthy relationship with my husband and my children. It may be hard for you to understand but I have not always been truthful with you.

I am also tired of all the lies I have told. I don’t expect you to understand what my lies have done to the people I care about. I have not been honest to anyone in this matter of our affair. I do not want it to be a secret anymore because that would be a lie. My husband needs to be told the truth about everything, so that I can once again earn his and my children’s trust. My marriage has never had a chance because of my many lies and my inability to put any efforts into my marriage. This weekend my husband and children sat down and we all had a very lengthy talk about what this family needed. I have made a self-choice of my own to put my husband and my children first. My marriage will not be a success unless I end this affair for good and give my marriage the truth and honesty it deserves. I need to start being a better wife and a better mother to my children. My affair with you was a fantasy that would never amount to anything. I have eleven years built into my family that I would be unwise to walk away from. If I should call you or try to make contact you need to be hurtful and firm by hanging up on me no matter what I say or do. No matter what message I may leave, you need to stick to my request and make no contact with me. It has taken me almost a week to write this letter and it contains the full truth. I hope you can understand and help me to keep my word to my children and my family. I have taken an oath on the Holy Bible in front of my husband and my children that I never want to see or speak to you again. This affair was wrong in every aspect and has done nothing but hurt everyone I care about. You may not understand this, but going forward, we cannot even be friends because it would hurt everyone I care about.

Sincerely,

Mschluter,

I think the letter is fine, but I have a problem with the following phrases:

”If I should try to call you and you answer, I can’t stress enough the importance of you not taking my calls, please do not accept any of my calls because this would only cause me and my family further pain.”

and

”If I should call you or try to make contact you need to be hurtful and firm by hanging up on me no matter what I say or do. No matter what message I may leave, you need to stick to my request and make no contact with me. It has taken me almost a week to write this letter and it contains the full truth. I hope you can understand and help me to keep my word to my children and my family. I have taken an oath on the Holy Bible in front of my husband and my children that I never want to see or speak to you again.”

Your W says to him she have taken and oath to never see or speak with him again, but in the same breath she says she may try to contact him again. This is very contradicting and will send mixed messages to OM. The fact that she says she might contact him again will give him the message that she is not really committed to No Contact and her oath to you and the children... And what make her think that the OM will help her to keep her word to you and her family? He had a secret affair with her and helped her to cause damage and pain to her, you, your family and your M, so why would he help her now to do the right thing?

I don’t think your W must include the above phrases in the letter (except the part about the oath she has taken).

I also have a problem with the following part:

” I have agreed with my husband that if you should try to make contact me, I will have no choice but to inform him of your attempt, this is done so that I may rebuild trust with my husband and my children.”

It sounds if your W only do this to please you and not because she really wants to… This may also send the wrong message to OM. I think it will be better if your W can say something like the following instead:

”I want no further contact from you at all. If you should try to contact me, I will immediately inform my husband about your attempt. I want to rebuild trust with my husband and my children. Please don’t contact me again.”

The rest of the letter seems fine although I think it’s too long and too full of explanations from your W... A NC letter is suppose to be short, to the point and not concerned about the OP’s feelings. Your W seems over-concerned about the OM’s feelings in the letter and I don’t think it's a good thing.

Anyway, hope others will post soon to give their opinions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 02:56 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

^^^Bump for Mschluter^^^

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I should try to call you and you answer, I can’t stress enough the importance of you not taking my calls, please do not accept any of my calls because this would only cause me and my family further pain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What? Why is she putting the burden of HER desire for NC on the OM? This has no place in the letter.

I also don't like how it opens the door for her to be week and "slip up".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This weekend my husband and children sat down... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">None of his business

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have eleven years built into my family </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She doesn't have to explain all this to OM.


I think it needs to be cut down a lot. Something like:

This is a letter that I‘m writing to you to let you know that I no longer wish to have any form of contact with you. I’m also asking that you make no contact with me in any way, again I can’t stress enough of the importance behind this. I have agreed with my husband that if you should try to make contact me, I will have no choice but to inform him of your attempt, this is done so that I may rebuild trust with my husband and my children.

I have taken an oath on the Holy Bible in front of my husband and my children that I never want to see or speak to you again. This affair was wrong in every aspect and has done nothing but hurt everyone I care about. Going forward, we cannot even be friends because it would hurt everyone I care about.

Even then I might toss out the last paragraph.

The sentiment is good, no doubt about that. There is no reason to tell the OM that she may find NC difficult herself, or about the inner dynamics of the marriage and the family.

Our NC Letter was short and to the point.

It said simply, that the affair was over and that my wife wanted nothing else to do with him. Then it spelled out a few examples of what she considered contact - phone, email, visits, that kind of thing.

Her thinking - and I agree - is that if you say too much, you are opening the door for doubts. You give the OM more opportunity to read between the lines and to think that - just maybe - there is hope.

All you really need is a decisive statement that it is over, and maybe a statement about what you will do if there IS contact: "If you do contact me again, I will tell your wife."

Talking about the desire to work on your marriage is fine. But...try to write from a position of strength, not weakness.

Wow all of you have been great in this matter, My wife has decided on her own to do the NC letter. She informed me yesterday morning that she has been in contact with OM for over a month everyday on the phone. She also informed me that she has had SF with him on two other occassions. When is Plan A supposed to kick in and really start hitting home with WW...

Michael~~

Any takers?

Michael~~

Thank you all, I will make changes and send the letter out. Also should I make contact with OM and make my feelings clear on what he is doing.

Mschluter,

I’m sorry to hear about your W's telephone contact with OM and the SF…this must have been devastating for you. However, I’m glad your W has realized it’s time to stop all contact with OM and send him a NC letter.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>When is Plan A supposed to kick in and really start hitting home with WW...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This will happen as soon as your W can get through the worse stages of withdrawal. But this will only happen if she keeps NC with OM.

Please read the following from Dr Harley to better understand the process of withdrawal:

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Thank you all, I will make changes and send the letter out. Also should I make contact with OM and make my feelings clear on what he is doing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please feel welcome to share the letter again before you send it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Personally I don’t think it will be a good thing to contact the OM… Everything is suppose to be said in the NC letter and it must be clear to OM that the NC letter is from both you and your W. I understand you have this need to make your feelings clear to OM, but this may only complicate things. A NC letter is enough.

Take care,
Suzet

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet,

Thank yoiu so much for your reply, We will redo the NC letter this weekend. We have talked about her having the OM over so that we can tell him together that it is over and for him to stay away, do you still think this is a bad idea. I worry because once the NC letter is sent she could always call him and tell him some lame story to get out of it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>We have talked about her having the OM over so that we can tell him together that it is over and for him to stay away, do you still think this is a bad idea.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mschluter, my advice to send OM a NC letter and not talking to him in person or by telephone, is based on Dr Harley’s principles on how to handle infidelity. Please read the following from Dr Harley:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your W and the OM is still emotionally connected and addicted to each other and seeing him will just make it very difficult for you and your W. Things can get too complicated and emotional if the two of you try to sort things out with him in person and I think this is also the reason why Dr Harley recommend a NC letter in stead. A NC letter is much less emotional and the best way to handle this… Your W still have this weakness and vulnerability for OM and on this stage, she will most probably not have the strength and courage to tell OM straight in his face it’s over and that he must not try to contact her again. And it will not help if those words is coming from you, it must come from her.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I worry because once the NC letter is sent she could always call him and tell him some lame story to get out of it...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mschluter, I understand this fear, but that’s why it’s very important for you and your W to talk to each other about this honestly and openly. Your W must be fully committed to No Contact and you must have the conviction in your heart that she really means it before the letter is send. If you have doubt about this, it will not be the solution to have OM over and talk to him. You and your W must talk to each other and sort this out first. She must not send the letter just to please you... She must do this because she wants to and because she wants to repair the M and all the damage she has done.

From all your other posts it appeared that you W has realized the importance of NC and it appeared she is committed to you and your family in spite of the feelings she still has for OM. Why do you have this fear that your W will call him and tell him some story to get out of it? Is it because you’re afraid that her feelings for OM will cause her to become weak and give in, or have she said or done something that caused you too feel uncertain about her true intentions?

Hope this could help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope others will post too to give their opinions.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet**,

WW sat down with me last night and say's that she does not want to continue this A with the OM but she says her feelings for him are so very strong, She says she does not love him nor does she love me, and I understand that all WW are in a fog at this stage and say and do all types of things. My fear is not her sincerity but her feelings for Om. They are so strong. She also wants to write a letter to all of her friends, family and co-workers to let them know of her A and she wants to ask all of them to help her and us through this difficult time, She fears most of these people will pass judgment on her but she seems very sincere on writing these letters. IUs this something she should do? I know my wife wants to end this A but i'm not sure OM will make it easy for her. I asked her last night if OM wanted her to move in right now what would she do, Her reply was: I would never leave my kids for om, it just would not work out. She is now on day four of NC and I have noticed her being more honest, she told me yesterday morning that she was having a moment. I held her tightly and told her I understood and that I will always be here for her, I told her I love her and that I married her for better or for worse. I hugged and kissed her for ten minutes while she cried over this om. she then thanked me and told me I was one in a million, because she does not know of anyone that would stand by there ww at this point. I laughed and told her she should read some of these post's there are many of us who love and will fight for are marriage. Suzet** --- you have been my greatest partner in this, I have no family and friends to turn to and you and othjers keep me going. God bless you.

MS,

First, my best wishes to you and your wife. Hang in there and keep up the good work!

I may have missed your originatl story. Is the OM married? If so, has the affair been exposed to his wife?

AndrewA,

Om is not married, He lives with his father in a house they just purchased. OM lives 5 miles from my home and two miles from my ww work. How do I link my other posts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>WW sat down with me last night and say's that she does not want to continue this A with the OM but she says her feelings for him are so very strong, She says she does not love him nor does she love me, and I understand that all WW are in a fog at this stage and say and do all types of things. My fear is not her sincerity but her feelings for Om. They are so strong.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Mschuler, I can understand your fear. Also, as a FWW who has struggled with those feelings myself, I can understand how difficult this must be for your W. This is a difficult time for both of you… Those feelings your W currently have for the OM is normal and all part of the ‘addiction’ and withdrawal. But those feelings for the OM WILL pass and fade… It will fade with time, patience and NC from OM. And as soon as that happens, your W will realize that her love for you never really died… Her love for you is still there…deep down in her heart. Currently she is just confused and clouded by the ‘fog’ and she can’t see it yet. From what I’ve read from your posts, it’s clear that you are a wonderful, supporting & understanding H to your W… And as soon as her ‘fog’ lifts and she can get through withdrawal, she will see this and she will be very thankful towards you...and she will appreciate you for that. I’m glad your W is sincere in her efforts to break of her A with OM and have NC with him. Just the fact that she wants to expose herself to her friends, family and co-workers and get support from them, shows me how sincere and desperate she really is to get pass this and have NC with OM. Mschuler, this is a very good sign and although your W’s feelings for OM is so strong right now, I think her sincerity; desperateness; commitment to repair and recover and most important, your support and commitment towards her, will make her strong enough to get through this. Yes, it’s possible that she may slip up and contact OM, but that’s why pre-cautions must be made and if something like this ever happen, she must call you immediately. You’ve posted earlier that the two of you have decided that if she ever feel like contacting the OM, she must call you instead. I think this is an excellent idea and this will help her from not contacting OM.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>She also wants to write a letter to all of her friends, family and co-workers to let them know of her A and she wants to ask all of them to help her and us through this difficult time, She fears most of these people will pass judgment on her but she seems very sincere on writing these letters. IUs this something she should do?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my opinion I definitely don’t think she must write a letter to ALL these people… Many people are indeed judgemental and your W doesn’t need condemnation and judgement in her life right now… She is already remorsefull, rependant and sorry about what she has done, and judgement from people will just make things worse right now. But on the hand, support and understanding from people who really cares for your W and sincerely wants to help her to get through this, will be of tremendous help. If you are not available, it will be a good thing if she can have other confidants as well who she can fell back on if she feels the need to contact OM… I think you and your W must sit down and carefully make a list of those people amongst all her friends, family and co-workers who really cares for both of you and your M and will be able to help and support your W through this with sensitivity, understanding and care. Pick those people who has been there for both of you in the past and people you can really trust. The list don’t have to be too big. Only 2 or 3 donfidants and trusting people will do. Maybe you can also encourage your W to read and post here and get help, support and advice from members. There are many FWS’s on this board who has been in her shoes and who will understand what she’s going through.

Mschuler, there is just one thing that worries me about you… I’m worried that in an effort to help and support your W you are suppressing all your feelings of hurt and pain because of your W’s betrayal. You have to work through those negative feelings as well otherwise you will struggle to heal from this. Don’t try to deny those feelings to yourself. You said you hugged and kissed your W for ten minutes while she cried over this OM... Mschuler, this couldn’t be easy for you… Please take care of yourself as well. Be honest and open with your W and communicate your feelings to your W as well in a non-criticizing and caring way without Love Bursting. You can do this by using “I messages” e.g. “I feel hurt, angry, disappointment because of …….(whatever you want to say). If both of your can share your feelings honestly and openly with each other in a safe, caring and trusting environment, you can become each other’s greatest friends and confidants and this will help to heal both of you. Your W is not the only one here who needs to heal… YOU need healing, help, support and understanding too…
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How do I link my other posts?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
You can do this by going to the specific post and copy & paste the address link here.

Take care and God bless, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet**

Last night was the worst night of my life, My wife is going back to her old way's and saying that she does not love me, that she does not want this marriage and that I am only kidding myself if I think it will work out. She tells me that I do not know what she is feeling. She admits that OM has never told her he wants a serious relationship. I am trying to get ww to post on here and maybe some of you can help her out. I also set us back with some things I said last night, I keep draining her love bank.

I'm in such pain and have such a hard time balancing my EN's...

Mschluter,

I wasn’t around on this forum for the whole weekend. I’ve just read about your pain and the setback on Friday night… I’m so sorry to hear this… I have also read your posts on the thread “Update--- 911”. I don’t have any advice for you right now but I just want to let you know I will pray for you and your W. I will pray that this situation be resolved. What happened with the NC letter? Are you still going to send it or is your W not willing to do this anymore?

Suzet

The WW is not wilkling to send NC letter. Keeps telling me that I worry to much and that she will have zero contact with OM.... I just don't know what to do.

Right now I have the home phone and her work number montitored and A couple buddies are watching her when she is working or on lunch or out running errands.

I hate having her watched but I feel it's the only way I'll know she is really ending it. Her mood swings are really bad. One minute she wants to make love and the next you would think I was from another planet.

I try to fill her EN's but she just refuses any and all contact.

Mschluter,

Just want to let you know I’m reading your posts and I’m concerned about your situation… I can see you’re going through a very difficult time right now. But I see you receive good advice and support from members on your other thread. May God grant you strength and wisdom during this very difficult time.

Prayers to you,
Suzet

Thank you Suzet**,

I'm hanging on and reviving my hope in all of this, I think it's finally sinking in what I have to do...And thats nothing but expose this A and deal with her temper when she confronts me on it, if she leaves then I have to let her go and deal with that also. I have three wonderful children I have forgotten about because of my efforts to save all of this..

I love my wife but I must expose this A and see what comes of it.