AndrewA: He's a young guy. But..he's got parents, right? And he must work somewhere.

AndrewA, I think I know his name from the DMV records, but all he has is a cell number, no home number listed to the house in the phone book. And his last name is common. So I think it would take a lot of work/$ that I don't have to get his parents names. All though I'm going to try and follow him to work one of these mornings.

BB: I'm sure at times that a "Unmarried" young guy would "take off" very fast when confronted with a few young children!
BB, I'm sure the guy knows because he's been in her car when they've left the clubs and she has three car seats in the backseat. I don't think he really cares. I've been reading SAA, and I think this is not one of those Soulmate types, it's on the otherside towards one-night stands. So I doubt this guy is thinking about starting a family with her... so she's just a piece of tail to him. I could be wrong.

HH,

Congratulations! I know it was a real roller coaster 24 hours for you. But...it sounds like things are heading in the right direction.

There are some really good Plan-A gurus here. Heed their advice: be patient. Expect some setbacks. Try to stay calm...and vent here whenever you need to.

Hopefully, last night was the start of a process that will lead to a stronger, healthier marriage.

HH, This sounds very positive, but as someone else said that they will most likely be going into Withdrawl and be in and out of the Fog. I'm hoping for the best for you!

Native

Well, she called me on her lunch break and said she just had been thinking about me all day and wanted me to know how much she loves me. I told her that I felt the same way, but that we shouldn't try to totally gloss things over...that I knew it was unlikely she would be able to get over him like flipping a light switch.

Her answer was 'Oh, you might be surprised'. I am thinking he must have told her she was nothing but a piece of tail from her reaction...If that's the case, then she has to be carrying a lot of hurt as well...

This is such a horrible thing, these A's...one thing is for certain, no one wins...everyone loses and the lucky ones survive..

HH, that also sounds positive. I totally wish the OM would tell my WW the same thing. Not so that she would be hurt, only so that she would end the A and realize her mistake. I too am in Plan A and haven't seen anything positive, but I also know from reading SAA that I shouldn't expect anything real for a month or maybe longer. Your right this A stuff really bites!!

HH,

The signs are looking good so far!

On the subject of "flipping a switch," here's my tale:

D-Day for me was a month ago. My wife that day establisehd NC...and she has shown ZERO sign of withdrawl. I was worried about this early on. Here's a guy she claimed to have loved. But..she just dropped him like she never cared for him.

I ask her about this a lot, because I think this SHOULD be harder for her. Her explanation is that she can't be in love with two people at once. She's in love with me now, so she has no room for anyone else. She also says that the affair was really about ME - that I was the guy she always wanted and that once it was clear that I was going to love her - and let HER LOVE ME - in a way that met her needs, the OM was toast.

I know your situation is a bit different. My wife basically had a ONS and then a brief EA. But...have faith! Continue to love your wife the way that you are loving her. And as importantly, let her love you!

I found out what the real deal breaker was just a little while ago when I talked with her. She said that the first time they went out to dinner or whatever she asked him if he had ever done anything like this (the A) before. He told her no.

When I told her that OMW said he had cheated on her, she asked him about it and he finally admitted it...that was it for her...

I really think she seems to be completely over him..no real signs of withdrawal at all...time will tell and I will not let my guard down.

Got to chalk that one up to your Exposure and what you did with that info and how you delivered it to your W. Good one on ya HH

Native

HH,

Congratulations! It looks like you were directly responsible for cracking the affair. That should make you feel good!

Keep up the good work! And keep your guard up!

A question for the veterans, I guess, would be whether you should talk to your wife about a NC letter at this point. I'd say yes. But...I'm still relatively new.

Well, since you bring it up. I opened the subject by asking whether she thought we had to worry about him continuing to contact her, etc. She said he had left her a voicemail yesterday afternoon (unreturned) asking if she was ok. She volunteered that she still needed to call him and tell him it was over. Then she said that she had told her work partner (fellow in his later 50's super strong Christian, etc. ...my answered prayers to a good influence in her life finally) about what had happened and he told her it would be better to just send him a letter rather than talking to him. I took that blessing and ran with it, told her I felt exactly the same way. She's going to write it and show it to me tomorrow night and then we will mail it Saturday.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> BB: I'm sure at times that a "Unmarried" young guy would "take off" very fast when confronted with a few young children!
BB, I'm sure the guy knows because he's been in her car when they've left the clubs and she has three car seats in the backseat. I don't think he really cares. I've been reading SAA, and I think this is not one of those Soulmate types, it's on the otherside towards one-night stands. So I doubt this guy is thinking about starting a family with her... so she's just a piece of tail to him. I could be wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Native,
this guy would for sure care if those seats were filled! Just imagine 3 squirming little kiddies in them. This is what I meant would get him running because I don't know many young unmarried guys that would "love" this situation.

As long as he sees those seats "empty", he doesn't have to deal with reality but gosh when they are filled................those sets just don't stay quiet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
bb

he'd be far from the thoughts of "starting a family"!

double post oppppssssssssss

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 01:18 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

HH,

well this sounds great! "Reality" sure did something, didn't it!?

Have you gotten any of the mentioned books??? I'm telling you this because no matter what the outcome is, an affair is a affair and the "aftermath" is very important.

Even if your wife has "gotten it" it's a "MUST" to work through all of this, in order to "prevent" this in the future. Get educated "together" to "Affair-proof" your marriage and to make your relationship what you both want it to be.

This alone is alot of work and it can be alot of fun.

take care
bb

PS: Would your wife consider "coming here" to Marriage Builders?

You know, now is when I can really use some advice from the veterans here. Up until now, all of my focus: mental, spiritual, etc. has been on ending the affair...now that I have achieved that goal..the focus turns to saving the M.

The insecurities, doubts, hurt and anger are all starting to flood in on me now. My focus on ending the A kept them at bay. I do feel good that I was directly responsible for ending the A..but at the same time, that makes you feel not so good...I mean if it hadn't been for me, it would still be going on...does that make me the second choice...the fallback...that sort of sucks to be honest.

My FWW tells me that she just feels so stupid about all this, that she thought she knew people and that she can't believe that she was taken for a ride like this, and that if she could have only known that I cared for her this would never have happened, but by the time I found out about it and she knew that I still loved her, the OM had already told her he was in love with her...I suppose I can understand being in that situation...

But at the same time...here's a woman who two days ago told me she felt nothing for me more than as a friend, and now tells me that all her feelings are back and she loves me more than anything....is that really possible??? I have to admit there is a part of me that would like to call BS on that...

Last night we were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, haven't done that in over a year...I was happy...then had a flash vision of finding her truck in the OM's garage two days ago when she told me she was working over and just felt disgusted....it passed in just a minute...but will I have those flashes for the rest of my life?

With the A over, my self esteem begins to come back; how do I deal with the feelings that I didn't deserve any of this and I do deserve someone who would never hurt me this way?

How does one reconcile the incredible joy about the A being over and the one you love being back in your arms with the feelings of being the second choice fallback when what she really wanted didn't pan out...

I suppose one thing unique to my situation that I have to hang on to is that, by her own admission, my FWW is not well...she tells me she just can't understand why she did what she did (the A) or how she could have done it...we already have her an appt with a psychiatrist and if the finding is that she truly is bipolar or something and can be treated with medication...I think that will make this a lot easier for me..

It really is a lot for a person to deal with. Most of the time in life, emotions are pretty black and white, day or night...not a muddled mess like this...I am overjoyed and I am heartbroken, I want to hold her in my arms for days and I am for moments disgusted to touch her....how can human beings do this to one another...it is beyond cruelty..

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

HH,

did you know that there is actually a "Chemical process" happening during an affair???

I wish that I could find a thread about it because it will sure answer a few questions or at least make a few questions that you have "clearer".

The WS's are really in a state of "insanity" and they surely do not see clearly.

I hope that someone knows where there is a thread explaining the "Chemical Process" !!!!

This helped me tremendously when I was asking myself these kind of questions.

take care
bb

I believe I found it, fascinating reading

Chemical Process Thread

What I found even more interesting was this page:

http://www.biopsychiatry.com/lovesero.htm

Talk about having one of those light bulb moments, when my FWW was in therapy about a year ago, her counselor diagnosed her as obsessive compulsive...then to find out that the same chemical is involved at the early stages of lust/love as with OCD....wow....starting to make a lot of sense

"But at the same time...here's a woman who two days ago told me she felt nothing for me more than as a friend, and now tells me that all her feelings are back and she loves me more than anything....is that really possible???"

Hurting Hoosier, YES, it is ABSOLUTELY possible!

Remember when you first found out she was having an affair, how in an INSTANT, your mind process changed and you realized how much you loved her and wanted to keep her???

Before that, I am sure, like myself and others, you just took your mate for granted, then KABOOM, the Love and Caring were right there on a 'front burner'....

I think that could very well be what SHE is feeling; now that you know, and she DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE YOU FROM HER LIFE.

She realizes her 'foggy infatuation' with another man was a BIG MISTAKE and that it is YOU she Loves and Needs FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!

HEARTFELT FORGIVENESS IS THE GREASTEST GIFT WE CAN GIVE TO SOMEONE WE LOVE!

My wish for you, HH, is that through God's grace, you can truly forgive her.

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HH,
I'm printing out alot of things from the site you mentioned, so I'm going to have alot to read about. It's indeed very interesting and these things really help me to understand what was "going on" during my husbands affair.

It does bring in something "logical" and therefore it gives me answers to alot of my questions.

I hope it helps you and others too.

take care
bb

HH,

First, I hope things continue to go well for you. It sounds like they are heading in the right direction.

I felt the same way that you do immediately after my wife established no contact. She became very loving and affectionate toward me. I asked her how she could change gears so quickly - going from "loving" the other man to suddenly being in love with me. Her answer was that she can't love two people at the same time. She put the love she had for me away during the A, basically. ALso, she claims that A was ALWAYS about me - she wanted to love me. Once I showed her that was possible and that I would meet her needs....all of those old feelings rushed back.

On a different level, I'd say that you probably shouldn't believe too much of what your W told you during the A. Remember...she needed to justify and protect it. Convincing herself - and you - that she doesn't love you is a powerful way to do that.

In terms of where you go from here: I'm still pretty new at this myself. But..I've found that it's really important to put away the anger and the hurt, as much as you can, and to concentrate on making your W feel safe and welcome. And...try to keep questions to a minimum right now. There won't be a lot of answers that make any sense, and questions can rapidly become love-busters.

Love her, let her love you, and try to be as patient and calm as possible.