</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AndrewA:
<strong> But..I've found that it's really important to put away the anger and the hurt, as much as you can, and to concentrate on making your W feel safe and welcome.

Love her, let her love you, and try to be as patient and calm as possible. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will, it's just tough sometimes. I am very glad that I went to his house and confronted the situation, I think it played a major role in bringing the A to an end. However, and this sounds really foolish for an educated person to say, but it somehow made it more real to me...I find that all the thoughts I am having that are eating at me are directly related to going there and finding her at his house. Before that, I knew it was going on, I wasn't in denial...but it just didn't seem quite so real...silly I know.

I have to admit to even having thoughts that all this could be a smokescreen to 'throw me off the scent' so they could continue it in secrecy...every sign points to that not being the case...just very hard not to be paranoid having been through this so recently...

my fellow HH,
It is one big roller coaster ride! You will survive!!
Just hang in there!!
It can be diabilitating & very difficult to think of anything else at times! I know!
Keep working on yourself!
Peace,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
HH

HH, I am very happy to see exposure and confrontation worked out so well for you. So far, at least, huh.

I must tell you, from personal experience, there are many more stomach curdling dips and sharp curves ahead. (More on this in a moment). There will be for maybe two years or more. But it does eventually start to get better. Or so I am told.

I confronted OMM a few days after DDay2. It turned out sort of like yours did. He cut and run. He had already dumped my wife when she told him I found out, before I talked to him. He sent her a one line, ”So long, have a good life,” email in response to her, “You are the love of my life,” email to him before I confronted him. He likes his bits on the side married but uncomplicated. (What is it about some OMs that they have to have married OWs, anyway?)

When I confronted him, he blamed it all on my wife. He wouldn’t take any responsibility for his actions whatsoever. He also lied about things I already knew and things I later found out. All he wanted was for me to believe my wife was the predator, and please do not expose to his wife. I agreed to not tell his W, thinking it would accomplish nothing. And it might remain useful leverage.

His wife found out a few months later through an anonymous letter that was sent, I think, by one of his other OW’s or their BS. I remember panicking that his BW might call my W and be abusive, so I called her first to intercede. No need to worry though . She turned out to be very nice and very hurt, just like the BW in your situation. She thanked me for calling her. It gave her a chance to work on her M and explained some of the craziness she had been feeling for years.

We have an agreement to tell each other if either of us suspects renewed contact of any kind. So far we haven’t spoken to each other again.

What I did wrong in all this was not tell my wife I talked to him until after his W found out. I just did not know what to do with all the awful things he said about her. I did not want her to be hurt by this player. She thought he loved her. He claimed she always knew they were just using each other and that is the way she wanted it. I truly did not know how to tell her this without harming her. So I sat on it for too long. When I finally told her, you would think this was worse than her A by the way she reacted -still reacts, when it comes up. Some of what she said was a little funny in retrospect, though - like I was just peeing on my territory. I guess I should not have tried to protect her from his callous treatment of her.

A’s are insidious. WWs will magnify all these things wrong with the M that in truth are present only while they are in their A. They can’t seem to sort out what they caused in the M during their A from what was going on before the A. Cause and effect gets all balled up in their minds. You will be given a thorough revisionist history of your M, for sure. You will be hit with blame for the A, and loaded with deflection of her anger and guilt. And you have to take it on the chin, according to MB principles.

Try to get her to IC if you can, or get her to come here. There are a few FWSs here I can’t stand (so I don’t read their posts any more) but most are very helpful and sincere. Your W may benefit from their experience. Talking to kindred sprits may help ease her feelings of guilt and hopelessness.

For you, I recommend reading Torn Asunder, now. It will prepare you for what you will pass through, and what you should do about things you will feel, while processing this whole big mess correctly. A am continually amazed at how on schedule BHs who post here are in what I read there. The, “I want to know stuff,” is your next phase, I think.

Then comes the anger stage. Make sure you let yourself feel all your anger and its various sources, but express it appropriately. I notice that BH’s who do not, or are not allowed by their wife to express their hurt and fears (which generates much of the anger), tend to drift out of their M two to five years later. I looked for these cases on MB and there are a lot of them. It’s uncanny how well it correlates with what is in Torn Asunder.

I sometimes feel myself drifting there.

With prayers for you and your wife,

T

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

I am going to start a new thread.

The answer to the question in the subject is an emphatic, screaming YES!!!!

My fww is home, committed to our M and me, and we can begin what I hope won't be a horribly long or painful recovery process...

Don't ever doubt yourself as I did, expose it, expose it, expose it....vile, nasty, dark loving things can't survive in the light of day and righteousness!!!