My wife had an affair over the summer.

I found out a few months ago, and have been trying to deal with it. Not very well I should add.

I've gotten to the point where I want to work on our marriage or move on. I care very much for her. I want to be married. I want her to feel in love with me, as I am with her. But, I'm not going to twist her arm to remain married to me. If she won't give it a chance, then I'm not going to beat her up over it.

She is still in love with the other man. She loves him dearly. She told me last night.
I was her friend last night not her husband. So before I get beat up my anyone, I'm not going to use what she told me to hurt her, or hold anything over her head.

She loves me like a friend. Trusts me (not as a lover but as a best friend).

I love her so much more. I am in love with her.

The other man is married. She doesn't know if he is in love with her. Or she isn't telling me. I don't really care. I do care for her. Her happiness is very important to me.
Even if it means we don't remain married.

My question:
I want to approch the other man, ask him if he's in love with her. If so....for him to "do the right thing". Leave his wife, tell my wife in no uncertian terms.....things like that

Well, I know that isn't what MB's is about.
But, you see, my wife's happiness is very important to me. With me or without me. I absolutly want to be with her. But, I won't manipulate her.

Oh, maybe this is sort of like a pro-active plan B. Pro-active for her. Forcing the other man to meet her needs. Or finding out if he even wants to.

Please, do not yell at me. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. It seems to be right.

Of course, I could be all wrong. That is why I'm asking.

Thank you for the advice.

Dalton..

out of your own fears...and out of your love for your wife...you are starting down a slippery slope that has nothing to do with her or the OM...but in the end comes straight down to the balance of your own soul and core beliefs....

you are as they say....succumbing to your captives way of thinking.....

You can not adopt at this point in time your wife's definition of love...because her actions to you the OM and most importantly....her actions to herself...are not loving nor love filled based on Gods definition...

There is nothing loving in the actions of an affair....
there is nothing noble of the actions of an affair..
and if you agree with her actions because she claims they are born from love....know her definition of love is tainted and skewed

and while the decision to go on with such a person is always in your hands.....you must protect yourself from the insanity of this being
normal or OK....

You can not let her re-define the real meaning of love...as she redefines it to justify and rationalize her and his warped use of love....

Once you start down the slippery slope of condoning and making her dishonesty and cruelity you too become just as guilty of warping the real definition of love....

and you stand to lose your own core beliefs...

she is not your enemy...
but her actions are terroristic and you must remain above feeding in to and adopting such beliefs...

ARK

Ark,
I don't condone her actions. I don't like what she has done.

But, people are free to make their own choices in life. People have to life with those choices.

I don't have to live with what she's done, she does.

I can't make her love me. That is or is not within her to do or feel.

I just want to make this easy for everyone.

Does it hit at my core? Yes. But, in the end. I must be able to hold my head up. Know I didn't twist her arm.

Dalton,

I am sorry that your situation is so difficult. Hopefully, your wife will realize the deep love that you have for her. The fact that you are willing to end the marriage for HER happiness speaks volumes about what you feel for her.

On confronting the OM...I'm not sure that you will get an honest answer out of him. As aren't built on the truth, after all. They thrive on fantasy and deception. And..keep in mind also that anything you say to the OM is going to get back to your wife - BUT it's going to have the OM's spin on it.

My advice, if you want to force his hand, is to expose the affair to his wife. Then he'll HAVE to make a hard choice: end his marriage to be with your W or cut her off and focus on HIS marriage.

From your perspective, the most important thing right is to bring the affair into the light.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

I agree with AndrewA.

Plan A: meet her ENs, avoid LBs, spend fun time with her.

Expose the A to OM's W.

Dalton,

What you are saying does NOT make any sense. You say </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't condone her actions. I don't like what she has done.

But, people are free to make their own choices in life. People have to life with those choices.

I don't have to live with what she's done, she does.

I can't make her love me. That is or is not within her to do or feel.

I just want to make this easy for everyone.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then you need to leave HER life alone and make your own decisions. It is her job to deal with the fact that married man may dump her. It is her job to deal with the reality that she will destroy another family. It is her job to deal with the fact that she has lied, and stolen from you something very precious.

You can act with love to her. You can give her freedom to choose the other man. You can leave her life, but you CANNOT run her life and that is what you are trying to do if you go to the other man and ask his intentions.

What you should do is go to the OM's W and let HER know what is going on so that she at least has the chance to fight for her marriage even if you chose to not do this.

Oh and by the way, the right thing for the OM is to stay in his marriage and honor his commitment to his W and family. Your W's happiness at all costs to everyone around is NOT THE RIGHT THING.

So step back and rethink this. You may indeed chose to leave and give her a divorce so that she can persue her love, but don't confuse that with what she is chosing to do as being right. Your W's poor decisions and search for love do not trump the lives of others.

I hope something I have said is of help to you.

God Bless,

JL