Has anyone else had this experience? Any advice?

He didn't volunteer the information. I found it in the internet log files and confronted him.

He told me that he just does it out of habit, "window shopping" and is not looking to meet anyone.

I have no idea how to handle the situation but I definitely feel threatened, hurt and betrayed.

We've only been married for 7 months.

Now I feel as if I can't trust him.

Incidentally we met via an internet dating service.

Yep, that need to window shop may be @ pornmart.com <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . Tell him how this makes you feel and why is it ok to go shopping for another body. Make it sound sick because it is.

Be prepared there c/b more to this window shopping excursion of his. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If there is, do you know what you next steps will be?

L.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Thanks for responding -

I did confront him last night and my plan was total lockdown of internet access for the time being. I know it's over the top but I'm so irritated.

He's apologizing, saying he will never do it again, didn't consider my feelings, he loves me etc. I told him I'm sorry too and that I want to leave town this weekend and think.

I'm considering mc = indicative that the guy is not the world's best communicator.

Wendy,

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear about your discovery. You'll get a lot of good advice here.

I would be very skeptical about the "window shopping" claim. Why would he have to window shop? What exactly does he hope to find? Even if he is "just looking," he should have enough sense to know that such behavior would not be acceptable to you.

My advice is to talk to him again about this issue and tell him again clearly - but in a calm, non-judgemental way - that it hurts you and that it diminishes your trust in him and your feelign of security in the marriage.

You're stil relatively new in your marriage, so this is a good time for both of you to pick up some habits that will lead to a lifetime of marital success. One of those is talking about needs. Read through these posts, and you'll find a myriad of examples of marriages that went off the rails because the needs of one or both partners were not understood or met.

This incident may indeed be an innocent one. But...use it as an opportunity to start a dialogue that will make your marriage stronger.

In particular, read up on the "Policy of Joint Agreement" on this site. If that had been in force in your marriage, the "window shopping" couldn't have happened...becuase there is no way that you'd ever enthusiastically agree to that.

Also, check out the Emotional Needs questionnaire on this site. It's really useful.

A good MC is vital. Please consider doing 2 MCs. One in your local area (your H can choose it) and setup phone counseling w/Steve Harley @ MB ASAP. Steve is quite good. You will both have assignments and it is hard to explain how well Steve works @ getting the guys to open up. Even my very stubborn H took up most of our session and he was very deep in the fog at the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

At this point he s/b focusing on how he can improve himself to make himself look attractive to you again. You need t/d the same but from a different angle. Therefore if you both can take the Emotional Needs questionnaire as listed in the concepts section above, it w/b good. If only 1 of you are willing to do so, then take it as yourself and as him. Also read the book: His Needs/Her Needs. Surviving an Affair w/b good also. Both are by Dr. W. Harley.

Keep posting.

L.

Andrew and Orchid, such wisdom and I so appreciate it. It's funny when you're caught up in it, how you really don't think straight.

As a positive next step, I'm going to purchase His Needs, Her Needs and make us read through it together, go through the exercises. Inherently I trust him but our need to communicate better when we are hurting each other is great.

Turns out he was harboring some ill will against me from back in July that he was unwilling to talk about except in defense. Make sense? It was almost as if he was acting out, trying to hurt me to get me to talk about this past offense.

Wish me luck and God bless for your excellent advice.

Orchid, I'll try this book as a first step but definitely will keep a CS with Dr. Harley in my back pocket as a next step. One of my GFs counseled with him, raved how great he is, and she and her H are still together.

Glad you have a plan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.