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Joined: Mar 2003
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Trix Offline OP
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Be aware and careful of your WS wanting to reconcile or come home just before the holidays...especially Christmas. Keep the same rules and bounderies for recovery that you have established if you are in Plan B or as a condition to reconciliation.

If not, then they just may come home only to go back to OP after the first of the year...and try to go back to eating cake...get back to the excitement of the illicit A. Or after the excitement of the holiday they miss OP or just need to contact them to see how they are doing.

They may want to not be the bad guy for the kids, then may have pangs of the nostalgia of Christmas's past...try not to buy into it because you just may be setting yourself and the kids up for a big let down or upset ie: continuing the rollercoaster ride.

All the best to all of you as you enter into the holiday season with WS's whether separated or not.

I am not saying that it can't be real...just be very careful and not change your bounderies just for the holiday's.

Hind sight is 20/20.

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I am not sure if I would have rathered that then what I got last year. H was so busy trying to make things work with the OP that he completely blew off his children on this special day. It was our youngests first christmas, and he choose not to come home until after 10:30- after I put three crying little ones to bed with out opening presents. When I refused to wake them up since he was home he left to go back to the OP house, saying that I will NEVER change, that it was always about me, me, me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I told him he was free to go, but no matter what time my children woke up I was letting them open all their presents, includeing the ones from Santa. I was tempted to wake them after he left... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I did not want three over tired little ones not enjoying the experience. H was there when the kids woke up, took them to his parents house (asked me to go, I did until he made it very clear that it was just to save face- so I left), he brought the kids home after and went back over to the OP. Later that night after all of the festivities, he came home and told me he wanted to make it work with our M. First of many because he was fighting with OP. He eventually moved out and on to plan B- now we are in a possible recovery....

Not sure my point anymore.... Sorry

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Trix Offline OP
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I am glad that you are now in recovery.

It's better for the WS to try to spend some quality time with their kids during the holiday's if they can pull their heads out of their you know whats long enough to do it 'right'. What your H did last year was cruel. Then you got the saving face behavior....

I just don't want hurting BS's to get their hope up too high and try to maintain their bounderies.

Or you go into it expecting to just have a holiday reprieve and not necessarily trust that it will be real and last...after all the holiday's have passed.

I don't really expect this thread to go anywhere. It is just food for thought as we are entering into the holiday season.

Stick to all of your conditions...MC, IC...NC etc.

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Trix, I'll second that. Last year, we also had false recovery around Thanksgiving and then again around Christmas. It's very hurtful to go through the holidays, thinking we are trying to recover, only to discover contact again.

It's been on my mind a lot lately. Thanks for posting this.

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Trix Offline OP
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I figured if I experienced it 2x, others out there will possibly experience at least once.

There seems to be a pattern there...just as all the other non unique aspects of A's.

Anyone out there who's WS came home just before the holidays and it was a real recovery?

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Thanks Trix...don't think my WH will be coming around but I wonder if he'll think about me. This will be the first time in 5 years that I won't be joining him back home with his parents and family. Fortunately, I have the love and support of his entire family while WH has a lot of people who are disapproving of his behaviors of this past year. For Christmas, it is going to be very hard because there were things that WH and I did together...like buy a tree, decorate it together, go see the Grinch at a theater, and basically just enjoy each other during the festive season. Now, he will be in the arms of OW...not sure how she'll stack up. It will probably be harder for him at home since his parents generally have a boat load of gifts for the two of us, two stockings, and they even bought us matching slippers...now he'll be on his own. I wonder if he'll lose it at this time...I know that I will be sad although I will be at home in the comfort of my family and friends. I am visiting his parents the week before Christmas to take them out for dinner and enjoy their company during the holiday season as well. I am trying to keep my head high but I know this season will be tough especially when I see other couples embracing and I really cannot bear the thought of putting decorations up because they include matching stockings, etc., etc. and that will just get me way too emotional....ugh.

Hoping for recovery but instead papers have been filed and divorce will be final in 6 months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5
His Affair: started last fall, exact timeline unknown
D-Day: May 22, 2004; he immediately left.
Plan A thru Oct, papers signed by WH Nov, Plan B begins, I sign papers post Thanksgiving..divorce becomes final 6 months from now...very close to our 4 year wedding anniversary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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Trix Offline OP
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Kjb23,
I know that holidays are difficult. They are difficult for both BS and WS...that is why we are both ripe for a false recovery or just a pretense of recovery. Maybe it is guilt. BS want to grasp at any gesture toward a possibility of recovery.

It can be a very lonely and depressing time.

It's good you are able to spend the holidays with your family.

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Trix, good point!!!

I was also wondering how many FWS's break No Contact during this time of year. I bring that up because I thought about it today... My sneaky mind said I can just call and say "Merry Christmas" and that would be it. Then reality, and my smarts, set in and I said, "No way. I refuse to break NC! I refuse to risk my marriage over that man" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: chackler ]</small>

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Maybe I'm the only one, but my FWH came home just before the holidays and it was a real recovery. But I think it was because after 18 months of NOT setting any boundrys at all, I started a real plan B in December last year, just weeks before xmas. I told him (in the letter) I would have no contact with him whatsoever, that I was taking the kids to my parents (6 hour drive) for xmas and he could see them for new years. I told him to get out of the house and I called an emergency locksmith to change the locks on all our doors while he was out. Then I followed through on what I said. I stayed away from the house anytime I might potentially run into him and stopped answering the phone. It was so dramatically different from the way I had acted at any time before in our 10-year marriage, let alone during the A, it shocked the reality into him that I was seriously not going to take it anymore. He ended contact a week before xmas and as far as I know (and I checked up on him a LOT)has had NC with OW since then. So it is possible, but probably unlikely.

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Trix Offline OP
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Pearl, the difference is that in your case you stepped up bounderies before Christmas and got tough.

Our real recovery did take place around the holidays with H's last A. We weren't separated at the time, the D-day was in early Dec. '02. That A had lasted 8 months. It was in spite of the holiday's because I also reacted differently right with confirmed discovery. He was free to go, I was ready to divide the property, I as calm, firm and willing to be done.

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<small>[ November 29, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

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Trix,

VERY valuable thread!

I too was there. Last year. And add to that the fact that I was facing surgery right before the Christmas holiday. WH returned - probably a mixture of guilt, holiday melancholia and a sense of duty because of the surgery. He stayed less than a week, fleeing the day after Christmas to go back to OW.

Beware, everyone. What Trix says is so, so, so true.

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Trix Offline OP
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Thanks for posting Isgirl.

I was out all morning and was surprised the thread was resurrected. Hope recovery is moving along well for you albeit without your WS.

I didn't get to see TJ's post...oh well. Hope your doing okay TJ.

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I see the light! My WH wants us to have a normal Christmas. Doesn't want me to disclose to his parents. As become a nice person again but for how long?

I am working on boundary setting. I think NC and IC and MC are the place to start. He may backslide in January but I have to do something.

A big THANK YOU to the person who started this thread. Some of us are 'way too new to all of this to know the devious tricks of WS.

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Hey Trix,

I'm doing well, thanks. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

Sorry for a brief threadjack...we're tentatively trying to plan a Florida MB/SYMC get-together in February. Stay tuned for further details.

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Trix,

Although we are in recovery now this is exactly what happened last year with us. He came home just before Thanksgiving and stayed until just after the New Year then left for OP again. I knew he wasn't on the up and up though as he was like an elephant with his trunk cut off around the house during Christmas vacation. This is a great thread and I remember all of this too well. I can't wait until I can forget it all if it is ever possible.

I think this thread holds a lot of value for people just starting the nightmare. It is so easy to get sucked in.

HINY

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Good topic - my WH tried to move back into the house 2 days before Christmas last year, with no conditions. I'd been in Plan B for 3 months and hadn't heard from him.

He called me at work and told me he was in the process of moving in. I left work and went to court to keep him out. That was lots of fun right before Christmas.

Thanks to all here who warned me to keep him out.


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