<small>[ December 08, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: toolate? ]</small>

I agree with you.

I did it too, and no good came of it. It made things worse.

I guess one thing you can ask yourself , is how would you feel if the situation were reversed and you were in your husbands shoes. How would you feel if you found out that he spied on you ?


If he is doing wrong, you can leave it up to God to bring it out into the open, in His timing.

Meantime, don't convict him yet. Where I live, a person is considered innocent until shown otherwise.

Be the best wife you can be, a kind of advance plan A. If he is guilty it might change his mind, and if he isn't, well...what have you got to lose by treating him with love?


Where Gods policy and MB policy conflict, I go with the former.

Shul

toolate, I am confused about why you are keeping a list of lies? Why are you doing this and what would be the point? That is not a Marriage Builders principle. I am a Christian and have yet to find anything about MB that is in conflict with the Bible.

Common sense would advocate that you confront him with evidence of his wrongdoing, such as phone records, direct evidence of his wrongdoing. That is a Christian practice that is designed to bring your H to repentence.

Confronting your H with the truth of his wrongdoing is not "keeping a record of wrongs," it is helping your H overcome sin. That is your duty as a Christian. It's not your duty to sit silently by while he destroys your marriage and family. God expects YOU to bring it out in the open and by exposing it, you help him conquer the sin.

If you have direct evidence that he is having an affair, then you should confront him with information without giving away your source. You don't have to prove to him what he already knows. I would also suggest that you expose his affair, which is one of the most effective tools in combatting an affair.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks Shul and MelodyLane,


I have a list not because it was suggested by any MB suggestion but by others who had replied to me about an earlier post when I had a feeling that my H was having an affair. An since then I just feel wrong keeping this list. I am becoming more and more depressed and it is getting harder to meet my H's needs willingly.
Now that I have this list of lies, how do I approach him without it geting turned around on me and focusing on the fact that I have been keeping tabs on him?

L

toolate, if you have evidence he is lying to you, then confront him with it. Keeping a list won't help you any, you must talk to him about it.

If you think your H is having an affair, then you should do some snooping to find out if its true or false and move forward accordingly. If he is having an affair, then you should do everything in your power to expose and end the affair.

I'd say that "love keeps no record of wrongs" is meant in a larger sense - meaning that in love we attempt to be as giving as we can, and we avoid resentments.

Keeping a list of affair evidence is not "keeping a record" in that sense - you aren't doing it with the aim of buttressing your resentment. You're doing it in hopes that the affair will end and you will ultimately be able to forgive your husband.

GC

MelodyLane

My list of evidence is all circumstancial (each incidence doesn't mean much, but when added up it starts to provide a vivid picture)- I feel like if I confront him with what I know now- he'll be able to dance around it and nothing will be resolved except that I am policing him.

L

Love does not mean being a patsy.

Toolate
Just after the apostle Paul spoke about the fruits that the spirit would produce such as love, patience, goodness etc, he gave instruction to those who are spiritual persons. Quote " My brothers, if someone is taking a false step, even if he is not aware of it, those of you who are spiritual should set him right, but you must do it in a gentle way." You are in a difficult situation, but not impossible. My experience has been that confrontation can create tight lips. The one quality that is the most difficult sometimes is communication that serves to solve a situation rather than condemn. Perhaps you could approach the subject from the standpoint of your own feelings and emotional insecurity. After all, he is the one that promised to support you with your issues isn't he? Are you concerned about the quality of your communication, your intimacy, your relationship in general? If so, maybe you could approach the subject from that perspective while evidence of the alledged A mounts. If he feels like he is needed by you, to help you with your insecurities, he will be distracted from covering all his tracks, and he will slip up. Try to be patient, and above all, pray before every conversation you have with him. You need mildness and self control to get through this as well as support from above. Hang in there. Rev

Thank you all for your replies and support. There are a couple of lies he has told me that I don't think are related to a possible A ( They could be because he knows he can get away with other lies so he's creating more in other areas). I think I'll approach him on those without giving away everything and this might help me guage his responsiveness and perhaps make him see how his deceit in these other areas are effecting me and might spark something in him to realize what an A would do to me.

L