Om wife called me back after left message, thanks for that advice Andrew.
I am shocked and a little stunned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
OM is alcoholic,verbal abuser,has issues with anger management, has been busted with 2 DUI's that somehow never got on his military record, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> good old boy system i guess,and is a chronic cheater. OM wife said after 18 years of watching him cheat and pick women up on line in front of his kids too, along with his other problems she has had enought and has filed for the divorce inwhich to be final sometime this mo.
Shocking part comes to me in that the weeks my kids are not with my wife in her apt. She is playing house and mommy to his kids for the week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I got the name of his ship and was told by his wife to call the quarter deck and ask for the command master chief and let him know what is going on. Stated did know how much good it would do though. Om wife states she really has spoken to him in over a year and gets most of all her info about him through her kids.
I cannot believe this is my wife or the woman i have known for 20yrs. I have never saw this personality from her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I really don't know what i am feeling with her right now. I am almost to the point with all this that i am disgusted with her. I cannot believe she would give up a good christian, morally right life, with some loser of a guy that this is.
I am eating dinner with WW folks tonight, i am going to tell them what i know. Then sometime this week will tell WW. I cannot believe this is her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I really feel like i really don't know who she is anymore, cannot beleive she would jeopardize her love, her family, and her life for this loser. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> sometimes feel like saying she deserves what she gets <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ,But i would never ever want to see harm come to her.
She will find out for sure next week even if idon't tell her about what i found out because OM kids will tell her that i talked with OMW.
I am actually scared for my wife now. Could she really be this blind to all this????
jets

I'm guessing your W doesn't have all the same info you do. I'm guessing OM is a charmer, he is obviously a serial cheater/snake, so I'm sure he knows how to turn it on.

She is only seeing the parts of him he is wanting to show her. Don't condemn your wife so quickly she is being played by a pro. Yes, she is at fault, for her part in this, but he is taking advantage of her.

Remember you have nothing good to say about this man, and she has nothing bad to say about him at this time, so it will be a LBfest to discuss this.

A fair warning to her, might be understood, but more than that, LB!!! Considering you have children, you should be concerned, and you absolutely should protect them.

His character can only work in your favor. His demons will soon come out, it will be harder for her to see them though due to the fog.

Good job Jets.

KY

Jets,

First, good job!

Second, someone on another thread gave waht seems to me to be really good adivce. Don't tell your wife what you know - yet.

Instea, tell her that you spoke to the OM's wife and that she told you some things that have you really worried for her - your wife's -safety. You can say something like "You won't believe it if I tell you." Or "It shouldn't come from me."

You'll plant the seed of doubt in her mind. Later, she'll likely want to talk more about what you know. When she wants to have her doubts about the OM confirmed...you'll know that the magic of the A is cracking.

Having said all of that. Do you have immediate concerns for her safety or for the safety of your kids?

Wow Jets, how perfect. KY is right, this works in your favor and your wife may not have had him turn on her yet..hopefully. Do be careful of how you impart this info to her, you want to convey how concerned you are for her, not slam her for poor judgement. If you ever read my story you'd see that it is not always obvious at the start that the guy is a loser. Your wife may not even know how bad this guy really is.

It was my H's protective and loving reaction despite his own pain that enabled the end of the A. He has never made me feel less of a person for the choice I made, even though he's had plenty of opportunities. Your wife has many, many good things in her favor besides this affair, remember those when you are tempted to berate her stupidity. I'm so glad you followed through with this, it looks like you may have some leverage after all. KB

Thanks for the reponses all,
I am glad i called OMW.
I am not really mad at my WW. I am truly concern for her safty, I really don't want to see her get hurt.
I was going to reveal this to her folks tonight, do you think this would be wise??
jets

Jets,

Do her parents know about the affair yet? Or you be revealng that to them as well?

Also, it sounds like your talk with the OMW went pretty well. Was she very emotional? Or has she pretty much finished with him at this point? My sense is that she's gotten a phone call like this at least once before.

Yes Andrew, her parents are and have been aware fo this whole mess since DD. I exposed to them right away. Her mom has called me last week and voiced some concern that she maybe getting used in this whole mess. How right they where.
OMW, was friendly, surprisingly, but had the attitude like she had it with him and his 18 years of BS.
I can't believe this loser would actually pick up women on line with his kids standing right behind him watching him while he was still married.
KB he is a smooth talker, according to OMW this is how he starts out, making it sound like he got big plans, for getting a big house, boats, etc. When in reality he doesn't has pot to piss in. Suppose OMW will get 41.7% of his retirement. She states that he does own house in Las Vegas that the rents out so this is extra money and supposedly is awaiting for a grandfather to die so he can get a big inheritance because he is the executive of the will, but she says she plans on taking him to the cleaner for this if it ever happens.
I am not concern with my kids, he is never around when she has them and my kids would reveal this. I am concerned about her though, although OMW stated he has never been physically abusive he has anger problem and have been known to punch out a few walls or two. Concern that he may cross that line.
Plus OMW states one of his kids has a sexual abuse problem and is not suppose to be around other kids.
Thank God i persisted with WW that this man not anywhere near my kids.
I tell her parents this they will really be concern for the safety of there grandkids.
I just don't want them to jump the gun and call their daughter before i have had a chance to share that i had spoken to his wife and have learned a few things.
Andrew i might try your advise and let this piece stimulate her curiosity to ask more of what i know.
jets

Jets,

Good job. Keep up the good work in taking charge of your life again. Hopefully we will hear your voice on these boards as other newbies ask as to the wisdom of exposure.

Melody is smiling right about now!

The bit about the sex offender son has me concerned. The IL's can be an ally, or not...but it sounds like they are standing for the M. But strange things happen the closer a D encroaches, the IL's will rally with their S/D so they can continue a R with their grandkids.

Perhaps you and the IL's can compare notes about what you are learning about OM (and especially his son) without giving TOOOO many details, some of these events the OMW is passing along she may be doing in spite (but doubtful). You can invite the IL's to talk with OMW (if you think they will be reasonable, can hold their temper, and won't burn the bridge). Perhaps hearing about the OM (and his SON <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )from her parents may help burn away some of the fog...

Just a thought. There is some important information she needs to be aware of, but won't necessarily believe it coming from you...a tough place.

I'm glad you talked with OMW!!!!

Cym and Still
Thanks, I am glad i got hit with a few of those 2X4's when i had doubt about doing this.
But i would have regretted this if i had not,especially for what i know now.
Still, her folks have always been supportive of our marriage and have had a hard time figuring where their daughter has disappeared to. I have no doubts they will be supportive of me. We aren't anywhere near divorce, only separated since end of oct. and that is currently being written up legally by my attorny have not rec'd anything yet and in VA you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce.
I will reveal to them what i know, but to tell them to not knee jerk because of WW view of this OM right now, will do no good.
Will try planting the seed with WW first. I know she will not wait and want to know what i know right away. Half tempted to have WW call OMW but OMW is pretty pissed at sitch. and would probably refuse to talk with WW.
Omw was kind of amused that this crap is all coming back into OM face.
jets

Sounds good!

BTW, you may want to have protection for SF or eventually ask FWW to get tested for STD's.

Jets,
FYI, if this guy is active duty in the Navy, adultery is a court-marshallable (?) offense. Just something to keep in mind.

thanks for the responses folks,
Update i am not sure you are aware of. I spoke with OMW told me a whole different side of this scumbag, serial cheater, alcholic,angermanagement problem, 2 dui's that she couldn't figure out how was never seen by his command and host of other problems. Omw set for divorce sometime this mo. after 18years of puttting up with him she has had it.
Relayed this all to WW last night, she shock and stunned to say the least. I tried not to love bust and for the most part i didn't. Basically alot of my anger was directed towards the scumbag, told WW i was telling her these things because i love her and i am worried for her well being and safety. BAsically said ball is in your court now. If you choose him, i will not be a part of your life anymore. If you chooses me there are certain boundaries she has to meet.
I repeated pretty much what i have been telling her all along.
Even through this she was still somewhat defending this loser. Kept asking me what good would it do to report him to his command, told her to prevent this from happening again to another marriage.
I got the name of this loser ship and ph# to quarterdeck and was advised by OMW to talk with the Master chief commander. She advised she wasn't sure how good it would do though, but it is a start. OMw was kind of amused that all this crap is going to come back to him full circle.
jets

haven't heard from WW since last night. Soon after i started to tell her this she told me she was tired of being alone and misses me the boys and was going to tell Om it was over. I wonder though if she was just saying this d/t new evidence that had come to her attention. I told her to make NC letter and get counseling and will talk further. Bugs me a little because before we ended convo. she was starting a little of that defense/protective crap with OM again.
jets

Jets,

Hang in there! Your wife may have ended the conversation sounding protective of the OM. But...I say it's likely that you have pierced his armor and this will unravel soon.

Think about it: she's spent a great deal of time building this relationship up in her mind. Now, she has this news to process. She's going to fight with herself. She doesn't WANT to beleive it, probably. Stay patient and keep doing what you are doing.

GREAT JOB !!

OM in my sitch also has a side he never exposed to my Squid that his GF told me. I am waiting for a time when she will believe me to tell her.

Bear in mind OM told Squid that his GF was a lying manipulative be-atch ( not true in my experience) her testimony is not popular with my wife.

Jets, it could be worse that OM being scumbag. he could be a real catch, now that would be worse IMO....

And GREAT WORK again on exposing. I wish everyone had the grit to do it. It so hard to do but so much good comes of it its untrue.

Thanks Andrew and Bob,
Andrew- i hope your right in the fact that i have blown a big hole through her fantasy bubble.
My fear is she will compare notes with OM and he will pretty much paint me out to be a hysterical husband that can't accept fact that his wife is not inlove with her anymore and a STBX wife that is mental and bitter and just out to take him to the cleaner.
I will cont. to wait. I am not calling her,she can call me, will give her that time to process.

Bob- thanks, and perhaps i should have waited but i am not that type of person to hold anything in for any length of time. ONce i know something that i feel needs to be layed out, i don't hesitate i just let it all out.
Actually slept pretty good last night. Woke up a little earlier than usual but slept somewhat soundly, been a long time.
jets

Jets,

Good job in telling your WW the truth about the scumbag and especially the way you delivered it to her. Do not let the issue of reporting him to his superiors slide. If you still get the same weasel answer 'as long as it isn't affecting his job, there is nothing we can do about it' then follow Chris's suggestion and tell him/her that if they are unwilling to nail his a** to the wall that you will go to your representative and senator to not only report him but everybody as well that has told you that they can do nothing about it. Chances are that if they see your dogged determination that they will get their sh** together and crucify the son of bi**. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Keep in mind that this is a time of war and the last thing the military needs is more sh** to deal with especially coming from the homefront.

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Jets , exposing does nothing but subjects the bindings of the affair to the light of scrutiny in truth. Many or most are bound only in lies and fantasy.

I see no reason to wait to expose any longer that the moment you have evidence.

You will find out now how tightly bound the affair is. Heres praying it is as shaky as most are and you bring your baby back into the light.

jets,

[QUOTMy fear is she will compare notes with OM and he will pretty much paint me out to be a hysterical husband that can't accept fact that his wife is not inlove with her anymore and a STBX wife that is mental and bitter and just out to take him to the cleanerE] [/QUOTE]

I would look at it completely differently. I would be worried if she DID NOT take it exactly as you described. I think exposre is a double sided blade. First the exposure brings the A to everyones radar screen and destroys the "sneeking" nature of the A, Secondly, I feel that the exposure draws the OS and WS temporarily together but now for the first time into a highly stressful interaction. The pathology of the partners in the A are suddenly forced to deal with this traumatic experience. This is when the implosion begins, the critical mass phase. I WANTED my WW to tell me how angry she was over the disclosure. I was sure that it accomplished what I intended by her harping on the "why did you tell my family and coworkers".

Just my take on the exposure scenario.

Thanks,
T,B, and C.
T- i am planning on calling this losers ship when they pull into port on the 23rd and calling his quarter deck and speaking with his Master chief commander. WW was all concerned about this what good would it do, he may come back and sue us....blah,blah,blah. I told her because this losers already ruined enough marriages he doesn't need to ruin anymore.
C- I kind of hope it doesn't bring the two of them closer. I want to split like a atom.
I pretty much told WW ball is in your court now, I gave her my terms for reconcilition on what she needs to do. Told her if she chooses to be with OM i cannot be a part of it or your life.
So far like i said have heard nothing, but i am betting on what Andrew said earlier she is deifinitely in deep thought over this. It took her a while to build this loser up in her mind it will take a little time for the reality to set in i hope.